Wed | Jan 16, 2019

Deceived and trapped

Published:Saturday | September 19, 2015 | 12:00 AM

Dear Joan,

I am writing to you with tears in my eyes. Honestly, one of the worst things you can ever do is get out of the will of God. I have done that to my detriment.

I was comfortable in church and very happy - well the only cloud on my horizon was that I wanted to get married and settle down.

I finally met the man who I thought was all that I needed.

Some of my brethren saw us together and kept telling me that I should think twice before committing myself to him. They could give me no good reason, they don't know him personally, and when I asked what was wrong with him, they could only tell me "they felt troubled in their spirit about it".

I started going out with him a lot until I had less and less time for church activities. He said he wanted to marry me and honestly I couldn't wait to start making plans.

The trouble was, whenever I came up with a date, he always had one excuse after another. He pressured me to sleep with him and I told him I didn't believe in sex before marriage.

Suffice it to say, he had his way with me. One day I called him and told him I was coming over to see him and he told me it was not a good time as he wasn't feeling well.

Concerned about him, I still went ahead even after he told me not to come and pay him a visit.

I heard laughter as I stood on the veranda and he didn't sound sick. In fact, it sounded like he was having fun with a woman.

Upset I called his name loudly and an attractive woman came out. She asked what I wanted and something made me not acknowledge the nature of our relationship. I told her I had a message for the person.

She called out to him, I almost died when I heard her say "honey, there's a lady here to see you!"

When he came out, he acted like I was just a casual acquaintance, even introducing me to his wife.

I don't know where I got the strength to leave without making a scene. I went home and cried until I was weak.

Joan, would you believe he had the nerve to come visit me the next day apologising that his wife took him by surprise. He claimed she lives in the States and he was planning on divorcing her that's why he couldn't set a date.

Now, I have found out that I am pregnant. I am thinking of aborting the pregnancy as I really feel trapped.

- P.T.

Dear P.T.,

My heart breaks for you. I am so sorry you allowed yourself to be carried away in this kind of situation. The sad reality is that a lot of single women out there are susceptible to this kind of deception as they often feel "time is slipping away" and end up settling.

When you are dating someone, before you even reach the commitment stage it is always best to try and know as much about the person as possible. Get to know his friends and family members, most times that's when important information slips out.

You should have suspected something when he kept avoiding the commitment issue ... a man who really wants to marry you doesn't have to be persuaded.

Another give away that his intentions were less than honourable is his pressuring you to have sex with him in spite of your reluctance.

You are already caught up in the situation and my job is not to condemn you, but you need to think long and hard before you make the decision to abort your child.

You don't want to do this and then discover you may never be able to have another one.

Yes, you made a mistake in your choice of a partner, but don't compound it by doing something that may hurt you in the long run. Walk away from him, cut all ties and recommit your life to Christ. Talk to your pastor or a trusted friend, get the emotional support and think about having your baby. If you do decide to have the child, make sure you hold him accountable for his obligations.

God bless you.

- Joan

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