Wed | Jan 16, 2019

My husband has an outside child

Published:Saturday | February 13, 2016 | 12:00 AM

Dear Joan,

I am writing you with tears in my eyes right now. My husband came to me the other day confessing that during a moment of weakness, he cheated on me. That is hard enough to overlook, but he told me that the woman has a son and he doesn't want to turn his back on the child.

I am so hurt. He said the affair happened when we separated for a few months. We were having some issues and I walked away as I couldn't deal with the constant arguing. He said the woman "poured on the attention" and he gave in.

I am now wondering if I should even bother to give the marriage a chance. I know he is going to want to spend time with his child and I wouldn't want him to be a negligent father either. But I don't know if I can stand the constant reminder of his infidelity. My pastor said I should stay and work it out, but I am so hurt.


Dear K.M.,

Your pastor is right. You are hurting right now, and your emotions are running high. Give yourself time to digest all that has taken place and pray about it.

He came to you and confessed everything, he could have hid it and hope you never found out. That's one plus in his favour. You walked out and that left him vulnerable to another woman. Don't get me wrong, I am not blaming you for what he did, but I am trying to make you understand his actions a little.

Don't throw your marriage away. If he really wants to make a go of it, then, hopefully, you can find it in your heart to give it another chance.

Feeling guilty for wanting my relative

to leave

Dear Joan,

I am a charitable person. I am quick to help and I don't mind offering help when I can. However, I am experiencing some resentment right now when it comes to a relative of mine. She reached out to me asking if she could stay two days with me as she had a job interview and wanted to ensure she reached early for it.

I asked her, if she got the job if it would be too far from where she lived. She told me if she got through, she would move from where she is currently living and rent a place closer.

It sounded like a good plan to me. She left the morning for her job interview and came back all excited that she got through. Honestly, I was really happy for her too because jobs are really hard to pin down these days.

She had two weeks before she was slated to begin her employment. She left and came back the night before she was due to start work. I got no phone call, no dialogue, nothing. She just turned up with a bag packed with her clothes and she made herself comfortable in my guest room.

I asked her what's the plan, she told me she is looking for a place, and as soon as she finds one, she will be out of my hair.

It's been almost five months now and she seems quite contented. What's worse, she just comes home in the evening, shares her dinner and she doesn't make any contributions towards the bills.

I want to ask her to leave, but I am afraid it will cause bad blood. I don't mind helping out, but I think she is taking advantage of me.


Dear Upset,

You have to be firm with your relative. First of all, she had no business just turning up like that without asking you if she could stay until she found her own place. Living with you, using up the utilities, she should do the decent thing and give a contribution towards it. My dear, your relative is using you for a free pass. She gets to save, and do whatever she wants with her money while she feeds on your generosity.

You need to have a firm talk with her. Tell her you need your space and give her a timeline too. It is your place and you shouldn't be made to feel guilty for wanting some control over it.

Hopefully, she will see that you were more than generous with her and not be mad when you tell her to leave.