Dear Counsellor | All out of love
Q: I got the shock of my life a couple months ago when my husband said he was not in love with me anymore. I thought we had a very good marriage of eight and a half years. We have three lovely children. He is a good father. He is a good provider. All three pregnancies were difficult and I had to be on leave for extended periods.
I have not worked for the past two years. I have a degree. My husband earns adequately for us to survive. We own a house and we have two cars. The children are doing well in school. We have few arguments here and there but nothing to worry.
Then, he said that the passion has gone. I asked him if he has another woman and he said no. Nevertheless he has moved out and gone to live with a relative. Two months have gone and he has not returned. Furthermore, I expected the uncle to send him back to me. I am displeased with the relative.
There is no indication that my husband will return soon. He said I can keep the house, the car and the children. He still pays the bills but I will soon have to go and find work.
I wondered if he was experiencing mid-life crisis but he is only 38 years old. I love him. I love the very ground he walks on. I miss him and I do not know what I have done wrong. How can I save my marriage?
A: Those are dreaded words to hear from one's spouse. You should ask him what attracted him to you and what has gone wrong since.
Perhaps the responsibility of three children and a wife is getting to him. It is possible that with the workload of caring for three children there is no time for the relationship.
Please ensure that you both spend quality time together, otherwise the marriage will drift. It could be that he needs time away to clear his head and emotions. It could also be that he is frustrated that you are not working and contributing to the family budget. You can start by asking some candid questions and encourage him to be honest with you. You might even want to repeat the question as to whether he is in love with someone else.
Furthermore, your husband moving out must be handled with the children very sensitively. Finally, assure him of your love for him and that you want him back.
Do not get angry with the uncle. He is just playing the role of a Good Samaritan. It is better he stays with the uncle rather than somewhere else. You both need to see a counsellor as soon as possible.