Dear Counsellor | Boyfriend has anger issues
Q: My best friend came to meet my new boyfriend the other night. I was very excited for them to finally meet. they know so much about each other through me. We went to a sports bar and we were having a few alcoholic drinks and we were all engaged in good conversation. The night was going very well.
We started talking to each other in codes (as we are best friends) and we were also texting on her phone, passing her phone between us. It started bothering my boyfriend, but we were having fun.
Then one of her male friends called and I spoke to him for a while before giving her the phone. This upset my boyfriend a lot and he flipped. He then made a remark to my friend and got up and left.
I followed him and asked him what was wrong and he pushed me and looked like he was going to get violent. My friend came out to help me and he stepped to her very aggressively, and I do not know what would have happened if the area did not have a lot of people around.
I left with him, and we sorted out the situation and he apologised.
The morning after, I updated my friend on the situation and she told me that she wanted an apology from him. I apologised on his behalf, but she wants it directly from him. And I agree. he was totally wrong. I brought it up with him and he got really upset again.
My friend is giving me an ultimatum, and I don't know what to do. He did apologise to me, so he knows he is wrong. I don't know why he doesn't want to apologise to her. But what's done is done, and I think it's not that big an issue for us to not move on from. What should I do?
A: It was in poor taste for you to be speaking in code in front of your boyfriend. And to add further insult, you were texting to your best friend. Nevertheless, your boyfriend's behaviour was totally repulsive. I know you said that he apologised to you and you have made up. However, it is very disturbing that he pushed you and was aggressive towards your friend without cause. He has serious anger management issues. Furthermore, he is not willing to apologise to your friend. It appears that he is not truly sorry. He just does not want to lose you.
You need to apologise for coding, etc. You need to insist that he apologises to your friend because violent behaviour towards women is no small matter. In addition, he needs to commit to getting professional counselling. If he fails to go and get help, then you should discontinue the relationship. This is a red flag. This is an ominous sign for the relationship.