DOCTOR'S ADVICE - My fiancé wants to know my sexual past
Q: Hello, Doc. I am a 28-year-old female and I plan to get married soon after Christmas, but I am having a little trouble with my fiancé on the 'sex front'. Don't get me wrong, Doctor. We have a wonderful time in bed, and he gives me immense sexual pleasure, and I think I please him as well.
The problem is the question of my sexual past. From the moment we got engaged, he has been asking me to tell him all about my past sexual experiences. He says that this is because he thinks engaged couples should be totally frank with each other. Also, I am aware that any mention of my sexual past seems to turn him on.
But I am not interested in telling him all that stuff. To be honest, I led a pretty wild sex life between the ages of 18 and 25 and I don't want to be reminded of it. After that, I became reformed, and I have not been with anyone else for around two years. But I don't want to talk about my sexual history as I am very ashamed about some of the things that happened - like the night two boys took turns with me. I am lucky that I did not get any infection. But one time I did get pregnant - though soon after, I had a miscarriage. My fiancé does not know that.
As it relates to his sexual history, he is eager to tell me all about that when we are in bed. He thinks it will turn me on, but I am not so sure. So what should I do, Doctor? Am I abnormal in not wanting to tell my fiancé about my sexual past?
A: Well, I have noticed that in recent years, there has been a tendency for people who get married or engaged to kind of 'make a clean break' with their past. Very often, they tell their partner about all the sexual affairs they have had.
So there is nothing particularly unusual in your fiancé's behaviour when he asks you who you have slept with. And presumably you have told him something, and certainly, he seems to have been turned on when you told him. But the fact is that, even though you are engaged, you are entitled to your privacy. You don't have to tell him about all the men you have had sex with. And you don't have to listen as he tells you about his past conquests.
However, I can see this disagreement flaring up into something much more serious over the years, unless you do something to calm things down - preferably right now. The first thing to do is sit down and talk with him, while the two of you are in a non-sexual situation. Explain to him that you don't want to speak about your past and that you really don't want to listen to accounts of his sexual activities.
If he won't accept that, then my advice is to go and see a marriage counsellor. Ideally, you should take him with you. She will be able to tell you whether this problem is solvable. And if it isn't - well you may have to rethink your marriage plans. One final point. You mentioned that you had a miscarriage and this is quite an important part of your medical history. There is perhaps a case for making sure that your future husband knows about it.
Q: Doc, my wife got a minor bullet wound in the stomach last week. Fortunately, she is OK. But we have heard stories that a bullet in the lower abdomen region can make a woman pregnant. Is this true?
A: That extraordinary tale goes back to the days of the US Civil War. An American gynaecologist published the story in a medical journal. He claimed that a stray bullet passed through a young lieutenant's testicle, and then hit that soldier's girlfriend in the belly. Allegedly, it carried some of his sperms on it - and one of them made her pregnant.
Frankly, I think this was all nonsense. For starters, sperms could not possibly survive on a speeding bullet. My guess is that the young couple made it all up - in order to conceal the fact that they had been having sex. Anyway, I do not think there is the slightest chance that a bullet can make your wife pregnant.
Q: Although I am married, I must confess to you, Doc, that I have an occasional lover in Portland. He always uses a condom. But last Monday, the condom came off in the middle of sex, and we could not find it afterwards. So I suppose it must still be inside me. What should I do?
A: If this condom really is still inside you, then it has to be removed. A condom which is left inside the vagina can cause an infection and an unpleasant discharge. So please go and see a doctor who will examine you. And if the condom is still there, she will be able to take it out for you. Do not delay. The other thing I must point out is that, if a condom fell off during sex, there has to be a chance of pregnancy occurring. It is now too late for you to take the post-coital pill. So you will just have to wait and see if your menses arrive.
Q: I was away from the island on business last month. When I came back, my fiancée told me that she was pregnant. I was a little suspicious, so I checked with my diary and my girlfriend's diary. She does not know I have done this. Well, seems like we had sex on the night before I went abroad, and her menses finished exactly a week before that. So am I the father - or not?
A: From the dates you gave me, I would say that it is very likely that you had intercourse with her around the same time she was ovulating (that is, releasing an egg). So the odds are that you are indeed the father.
Q: My doctor thinks that I run a slight risk of thrombosis. So he won't prescribe the Pill for me anymore. Doctor, which would be better for me to use: the Mini-Pill or the skin patch?
A: If you really are at increased risk of thrombosis (clotting), then you should not use the patch (also known as Evra). This is because it's very much like the Pill, but in the form of a sticker on the skin. But because the Mini-Pill contains no oestrogen, the risks of thrombosis are less. But please bear in mind that there are a lot of other methods - like the coil.
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