Thu | Jan 17, 2019

Dear Doc: Married but has a girlfriend

Published:Sunday | May 10, 2015 | 12:00 AM

Q Doctor, I am a married man, and I would appreciate your advice. I live with my beautiful wife, but on the north coast I have another home with a lovely woman who has been my girlfriend for almost five years. My wife does not know about her, and they have never met.

My girlfriend knows that I have been married, but thinks I am separated. She believes that I live on my own.

I have always felt that this 'set-up' was something like paradise for a virile man like me. I travel a lot in my business, and I usually spend around four nights a week with my wife, and maybe three nights per week with the girlfriend.

As it relates to sex, I probably have intercourse two-three times for the week with my wife, and the same with my girlfriend so its a very busy seven days.

My problem is this. I am wondering how long I can keep this happy state of affairs going? Already, my wife is getting a little suspicious about my activities on the north coast, and keeps asking me what I am doing there. I tell her that I read a lot of books in the evening, but I am not sure that she believes me.

Similarly, my girlfriend has suddenly started to get a little jealous. Last month, she was upset that I could not be with her for her birthday, and demanded to know what I was doing that night. And every Christmas, she has been rather resentful because I spend it in the Corporate Area, and not with her.

So I have been worrying quite a bit. And in the last few months, all this stress has been having an unfortunate effect on my sexual 'performance.' One night when I was with my girlfriend, I could not get an erection at all. And last week, I was making love to my wife for around 10 minutes when I suddenly 'lost it' completely - and could not get it back that night.

What do you think I should do, Doctor? Am I simply tired? Do I need male hormone therapy? Or should I get myself some Viagra?

A Well, seems like three people are caught up in the famous 'Eternal Triangle' here!

I have seen a number of situations like yours, in which a man has two 'wives' and happily juggle both of them enjoying sex with both.

Sometimes this arrangement goes on for years. But usually, something happens and the triangle becomes unbalanced. For instance:

• The wife finds out about the girlfriend.

• The girlfriend finds out about the wife.

• The man falls hopelessly in love with the girlfriend.

• The girlfriend becomes pregnant.

• The wife becomes pregnant, much to the fury of the girlfriend - who thought that the man wasn't having any marital sex!

Already, there are signs that your three-way set-up is beginning to 'crack' a bit. Furthermore, you are beginning to have difficulties with your potency. I suggest that this may be happening because of the stress and strain of keeping these two households going and keeping these two women satisfied.

You ask about taking 'male hormones,' but I don't imagine that you need these. But I do think that you should go to a sympathetic doctor, have a good check-up, and talk to him about your problems.

I must admit that it is just possible that he will give you Viagra. But it is more likely that he will advise you to 'calm down,' and to stop trying to run a sex life that would exhaust many men much younger than you!

My own feeling is that you would do well to decide which of these women you want as your life partner. And I hope she feels the same way about you.


Should I douche?


QI am a 26-year-old woman and have only just lost my virginity. My mother is aware that I am having sex, and she does not mind too much.

But as soon as she knew, she said to me: 'Now you must start douching!' Is she right, doctor?

I think her idea is that douching would wash out the vagina after sex, and prevent conception. Also, maybe it prevents VD. Is that so?

AUntil quite recently, a lot of women in Jamaica thought that they should douche regularly. Douching means washing out the vagina with water.

The practise has become less common because doctors have advised women that it is not a good idea.

It does not work as a contraceptive, and it does not prevent sexually-transmitted infections. And it may actually 'squirt' harmful materials into the womb. So I suggest that you don't do it.


On the Pill for 10 years


Q I have been very happy on the Pill for around 10 years. But now my friends (and mother!) are saying that I should come off it for a while. They claim that my body 'needs a change.'

Are they right?

AUntil a few years ago, some doctors thought that women should 'take a break' from the Pill every now and then. But these days, few medics hold that view.

However, I don't know what your age is. If you are over 30 (and particularly if you are over 35), then it is possible that you are in the age group when the risk of having a thrombosis caused by the Pill gets a little higher.

So if you're 30-plus, I recommend that you have a talk with your doctor to see if you need to switch to some other method of contraceptive. If you have any 'risk factors' for thrombosis, she will be keen to get you to come off the Pill.

These risk factors include:

• Smoking

• Being diabetic

• Being overweight

• Having a family history of clotting

• Having one of several dangerous genetic conditions, such as anti-phospholipid syndrome.

Just be guided by your doctor, and all will be well.


Lots of women



in his past


Q I am 31 years sold and my fiancÈ is 32. Last night he told me about his past sex life.

Apparently, he has slept with 37 women! I was very shocked. Isn't this abnormal, Doc?

AWell, it is certainly above average for a 32-year-old man. Admittedly, these days, it is a little difficult to decide what 'average' is.

You are probably wondering whether he will continue to be promiscuous after the marriage. Because of your uncertainties, I think that the two of you should urgently seek help from a marriage counsellor. A number of sessions with him or her should help you to decide whether you really want to go ahead with this wedding.

Also, on a medical point. A man who has had 37 women is quite likely to have picked up an STI at some stage! So I feel that you would be entitled to insist that both of you do some tests at a doctor's office, before you finally 'tie the knot'.