Dear Doc: The Pajama party ruined our marriage
Q Doc, has my husband committed adultery? And would this be grounds for divorcing him?
Let me start at the beginning. As far as sex is concerned, we have not been getting on very well in recent years. So we have been looking for ways to improve things. Eventually, he suggested that we go to a 'pajama party' in Westmoreland.
I agreed. I thought it would be a little gentle, sexy fun by a pool - maybe with some people swimming around nude. Both of us felt that the evening would pep up our sex drive.
Well, when we got there, Doc, it wasn't really like that at all. There were men and women who were naked -and they were kissing and 'petting' each other. Admittedly, I did find this quite exciting. And my husband liked it a lot.
After we had a few drinks, we wandered into a small, dark room. On the bed, was a very attractive woman who was only wearing a silk scarf. She was kind of writhing around to the music, and inviting people to have sex with her.
I was astonished and shocked when my husband accepted her invitation! He just stepped forward, got onto the bed with her and penetrated her. He only did it for a minute, smiling at me as he did so. Then he walked away, and tried to give me a kiss.
But I was horrified. I just couldn't stand the sight of my man with another woman. So I ran outside and got in the car. He came out a moment later, and we drove home.
We have not had sex since then. So that pajama party did not do our sex lives any good.
I am very mad at him, but he says what he did wasn't adultery. But I think it was. He claims that 'it was just a bit of fun' and that 'it only went on for a minute.' And he also says that what he did was with my approval.
Doc, do you think that because of his actions that night I could get a divorce from him?
A Well, my immediate concern is a medical one. If this 'writhing' woman on the bed was offering intercourse to all and sundry, then it is very possible that her body contained sexually transmitted germs - of which chlamydia would have to be on the list.
Therefore, your husband should go and get himself a check-up for sexually transmitted infections, including chlamydia. And you should definitely not have intercourse with him until it has been shown that he is infection-free.
As it relates to adultery, there is no question that is what he did! It doesn't matter that 'it only went on for a minute.' He did it.
However, I believe that a shrewd lawyer could make a case that this was what is called 'condoned' adultery - meaning that you saw what was going on, and you did not object at the time. And, after all, you went with your spouse to this 'sex party,' and you must have had some idea that extramarital relations between people might take place there.
Now, turning to the question of divorce. These days, under Jamaican law, a person has to prove 'irretrievable breakdown of marriage' in order to obtain a divorce. The court would take notice of this brief adultery, but I feel you would have to provide more evidence of 'irretrievable breakdown.'
Are you really sure that you want to divorce him? Maybe if you both sat down with a good marital counsellor and talked things over, you might be able to keep the marriage going.
But please, don't ever go to a sex party again. These 'social events' never help anybody to improve the state of their marriages. And as you have found out, they can lead to big, big problems.
Sex after removing testicle
Q Doc, I have had to have my left testicle removed because of a very bad car accident last week. When I recover, will I be able to resume my sex life?
AYes, you should be OK. One of the remarkable things about the male body is that if one testicle is lost or destroyed, the other one is able to do the work of two.
So, when you have recovered, you should find that you still have a healthy interest in sex, and that your equipment will be functioning OK. And, if later on you want to be a father, that should be OK, too.
'Leaking' during sex
QCan you answer a very embarrassing question for me, Doc? I am a 31-year-old female, and for the last three weeks, I have been passing a little urine, whenever I have sex.
I also 'leak' a little when I cough or when I laugh or sneeze.
Does this have anything to do with the fact that I have had three children?
AAlmost certainly. It is an unfortunate fact that women who have children do often develop what is called 'stress incontinence.'
This has nothing to do with mental stress! What it means is that childbirth has over-stretched the tissues that should support the womb and the bladder. As a result, any sudden belly strain - for instance, during a cough or a sneeze - causes urine to escape.
This common condition can be cured by doing an operation. Alternatively, it is possible to build up the muscles around the bladder by doing some special 'pelvic exercises.' Any midwife or doctor could teach you these.
Could she be pregnant?
QLast week, in a moment of folly, I had sex with my eldest brother's wife. It was unprotected, Doctor. I know it was crazy, but I am strangely attracted to her.
Is there any chance that she could now be pregnant? I think she is 46.
AWell, there has to be a chance of conception, because many women at 46 are still fairly fertile. But statistically, the odds are that she is not.
I don't know why on earth you did this. Sex with one's brother's wife is a very dangerous thing, because it can disrupt entire families. Whatever you do, please keep well away from her in future!
Do you perhaps think you are falling in love with her? If so, I suggest you consult a marital therapist or psychotherapist, who can help you 'talk out' your feelings.
Fed up of the Pill
QDoctor, I am 29 and fed up with taking the Pill. Is it true that there is some sort of 'vaginal ring' contraceptive?
If so, would it be difficult for me to get it into the right place? And would my partner feel it during sex?
Also, what would happen if we dislodged it?
A There are various types of vaginal rings. The popular NuvaRing is very effective, but, like the Pill, it does contain some oestrogen. Therefore, it carries a small risk of thrombosis (clotting).
NuvaRing is very easy to put in. Men do not object to it. And if it falls out, you just wash it and put it back in.