Fri | Mar 23, 2018

Dear Doc: Is my husband cheating?

Published:Sunday | January 10, 2016 | 12:00 AM

Q: Doctor, do you think my husband is cheating? We have been married for seven years, and I have never suspected him until now.

Recently, his behaviour has changed a little. In particular:

• He has started asking me to give him oral sex;

• He has started taking an interest in making me orgasm - which he never did before;

• He has smartened up his appearance quite a bit;

• Occasionally, he stays away all night on what he calls 'work duties'.

What do you think, doctor? Do you think he has another woman? Should I hire a 'private eye'?

A: Well, it is very difficult to 'diagnose' whether a man is cheating. But over the years, experts have come up with a list of 'telltale signs' which could suggest that a husband is 'playing away from home.'

They include:

• He suddenly becomes distant with you because his mind is elsewhere;

• He improves his appearance and suddenly takes more care to have showers and to look good - particularly when he is leaving the house for a while;

• He seems guilty or secretive about where he's going;

• He keeps turning off his phone - so that you can't contact him.

Sexually speaking, there may be no change in a husband's behaviour. But he might want sex less frequently than before - because his energies are going elsewhere.

However, some cheating husbands are so turned on by their affaires that they actually want more sex from their wives!

Now, in your case, the sexual symptoms you describe are not clear evidence of infidelity. The fact that he now wants oral sex could be because quite a few men get more interested in that activity as they get older - maybe because they have seen it on a porn channel or read about it somewhere.

Also, the fact that he wants to give you more orgasms is not a sign of cheating. It could well be that this man just loves you a lot, and wants to make you happy!

Summing up, there really is no evidence that your husband is playing around with another woman. So I really don't think it would be worth your while hiring a private detective.

But clearly, some things have made you a little suspicious. To let everything continue in this uneasy way would be very bad for your marriage.

Therefore, I urge you to tell your husband that you both need to have a thorough, uninterrupted talk for an hour or two. Sit down with him, and discuss your feelings - and his.

Admittedly, there is a chance that he may suddenly 'cave in,' and admit that he has been having an affaire. But the odds are that your in-depth chat will clear the air, and (I hope) help your marriage to grow from strength to strength.


Circumcision keloid

Q: I thought that circumcision would improve my sex life, so a year ago, I did the operation.

Well, it hasn't gone too well, doc. Along the line of the cut, I have a nasty shiny, dark ridge, which is very tender during sex. What can I do?

A: Men often think that circumcision will improve their sex lives, but that is not often the case.

What you now have is keloid. That is a 'lumpy' reaction to a cut. Keloids are common in Jamaica - and they are difficult to treat.

I think that what you should do is to consult a plastic surgeon, and see if he can do anything for you. Unfortunately, cutting out a keloid can sometimes cause a next one. But he may be able to help you with steroid injections, moisturising oils or perhaps laser therapy. Good luck.


Can I take a break from the Pill?

Q: I have been on the Pill for 10 years. It has been very useful because, to be honest, my lifestyle does involve quite a lot of sex with various men. I am now 28. Do you think that I should take a break from the Pill now that I have been taking it for a decade?

A: Well, at one time, it used to be thought that it was a good idea to have a break from the Pill every now and again. But these days, most doctors do not see the need for those breaks.

However, it is important to make sure that over the years you have not developed any contraindications to the Pill - like high blood pressure. So it would be good to have a brief medical check-up every six months.

I do understand what you say about your lifestyle, and the fact that for some reason (maybe your job?) you have sex with various men. Please do take care with your health! There are quite a lot of sexually transmitted germs around, and we do not want you to contract any like syphilis or AIDS.

If you can't change your lifestyle, then do at least insist that your partners wear a condom every time.


What's the CAT?

Q: I have trouble stimulating my fiancÈe's clitoris during sexual intercourse, Doc, so she doesn't orgasm very often.

She has read in an American magazine that there is something called 'the CAT', which would help us. But what is it, please?

A: Well, first of all, may I say that most women find it difficult to 'discharge' unless the clitoris is stimulated? During intercourse, you can do this with your fingers - or maybe use a vibrator.

CAT stands for 'coitally adjusted technique.' This is simply a sex position which is intended to produce some pressure on the clitoris. The idea is that the man lies much higher than usual in the bed. With some luck, the base of his penis will put a little pressure on the clitoral area.

On the Internet you will find over 100 million mentions of the CAT technique, with diagrams of how to do it. But the basis of it is that the woman lies flat on her back, while the man lies on top of her making sure that his head is much closer to the top of the bed than hers. The effect of this is to pull his whole body up above hers so that his chest is roughly on A level with her face.

With luck, the lower front part of his genital will now be pretty close to her clitoris. This is often known as 'riding high.'

The CAT technique isn't a miracle 'cure-all', but it does help some women to achieve orgasm during intercourse.


'Love Egg'

Q: My husband is on a business trip in America, and he has just texted me to say that he is bringing me back a sexy birthday present. He says it is called a 'Love Egg', but he won't explain what that is.

I dread the fact that that I might hate it! What is it, Doc?

A: Well, a 'Love Egg' is a sort of egg-shaped vibrator which you put in your vagina. Some brands have a 'remote control,' so that your partner can switch it on from a few feet away.

These devices are not every woman's cup of tea! But if you don't like it, just tell him so.