Sun | Dec 16, 2018

As a man: Hair probe

Published:Sunday | January 31, 2016 | 12:00 AMMel Cooke

I have a deep, philosophical question which I have asked many persons - male and female - in my incessant search for deeper understanding of the world I inhabit. But all to no avail. However, I shall not rest until I find an explanation for this phenomenon which I have observed permeating our Jamaican society.

I shall consult gurus at the pinnacles of academia and streetside colleges. If I still have no answer, I will undertake a research project. I will formulate a hypothesis, select a population, set up questions, run focus groups and get some technical whizz to crunch the data utilising the relevant software.

Whatever it takes, I shall not rest until I have resolved this issue which is key to the general progress of the human race in general, and specifically to ensuring Jamaica is the place of choice to work, live and raise families by 2030 even, hopefully, a bit earlier.

The great question of our time is this: Why 'ooman who wear a bag a false hair always a touch it?

As a man, it is a matter of putting in another piece of the puzzle in comprehending the female psyche. Don't tell me I am the only person who has seen and is intrigued by this phenomenon - clutching at the ends of purchased tresses or an intermittent brush of the fingers through the trailing edges of the crowning glory. The latter can be as rhythmic as a woman with ample rump and too short a skirt cheekily pulling at its edges. One, two, three steps, skirt rides up, tug; one, two, three, skirt rides up, tug.

Remember the movie A Beautiful Mind, where the math genius studied birds to find a pattern in their seemingly random movements? Yup, same sort of intensity is required. Maybe Half-Way Tree on a Saturday afternoon would be a good place for sampling.


What I have noticed, though, is the bigger the hair the more frequent the touching and longer the clutching. So, there is a connection between volume and frequency, which is a good enough starting point for the analysis. And since volume is inevitably proportionate to price, there is another variable to consider.

Without going through all the research, (though, it is clear that false hair is extremely important to the women who wear it) women generally pay a lot of attention to their hair, in whatever way they choose to wear it, but the BHP (Bought Hair Posse) is a bit more publicly intense.

And analysis of touching of the hair is only the start of a full-fledged interrogation into the construction of a false identity by many women. From the tonsorial to the manufactured beauty spot, the nails to the fan eyelashes, there is a whole set of constructed chicks out there, with variations on the same theme. What does it say about them? And what does it say about the men who go for them - which happens in droves.

Yeah man, carnival a come.

Next week - more female falsehood and male madness.