Sun | Jan 20, 2019

As a Man: Mosquito withdrawal strategy

Published:Sunday | February 14, 2016 | 12:00 AMMel Cooke

Gentlemen, let us not let the gift of mosquitoes pass us by. Bob Marley, that greatest of bards who would have been 71 years on February 6, (and with at least 41 more pickney, one for every year more he would have lived), amplified in song that when one door is closed, many more are opened. Similarly, he or she who closeth one door hath the chance to open another and another and another.

The impending arrival of ZIKV on the wings of the Aedes aegypti 'floatilla' presents the glorious opportunity to close the door on a relationship you have been wondering how to make your exit from for some time, without the woman in question feeling hurt and you getting hurt.

You see, ZIKV presents the perfect withdrawal (pun intended) strategy on more than one front (ditto, pun intended). For one, since it can be transmitted sexually, if you sit her down, look her in the eye and say that you wish to suspend sexual relations because of ZIKV concerns, she should understand, as any reasonable persons would. For if you are wary about catching it from her and are determined that she not contract it from you, how can you give the union your unbridled passion? Since sexual attraction is mostly in tube mind, how can you, as a man, get your head into it when you are thinking about coughs and watery eyes?

This can then go one of two ways. Either she will look deep into your eyes, see honest concern for your mutual well-being, hug you, whisper I will always love you, and that is that. Or she will lean forward, look deep into your eyes and hiss "yu tek big ooman fi eediat" and attempt to slash your throat with her fingernails. The former is preferable, but remain aware of the alternate outcome.

The arrival of ZIKV is even more serendipitous for a man who is under pressure from a woman whose skills between the sheets are phenomenal, but with whom he does not want to reproduce, although she longs for a little one as bawling, burping and watery pooping proof of their union. It simply is no. The Ministry of Health has said it, for Chrissakes - no babies at this time and for the next 18 months. And how could we go against this advice and run the very real risk of bringing a child into the world with an abnormally small head, prone to severe developmental problems and possible death?

No, it has to be put on pause (seriously), and that gives you until summer 2017 to come up with a plan for the permanent withdrawal. Until then, withdrawal as required, should keep the rhythm of the relationship humming along nicely. Can you imagine, being saved by a mosquito?

Try it. If it works, please email me at the address below. However, requests for financial assistance to cover injury to person or pocket if said Aedes aegypti strategy fails will not be met with any success.