Sun | Jan 21, 2018

Dear Doc | My husband wants to watch me have sex

Published:Sunday | June 5, 2016 | 12:00 AM

Q Good day, Doc, I am bewildered by the fact that my husband wants to watch me having sex with other men. Why?

We celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary last summer, and I would say that we have survived quite a few ups and downs. Admittedly, in the last few years we have both felt that sex has become a little dull and repetitive. So recently, we have been talking about how we could maybe 'spice things up.'

For instance, I got him to read me some sexy romantic stories while we were in bed together. I must admit, that I found this quite exciting.

But apparently, this was not enough for him! Last Christmas, we were at a party and I started talking to a handsome young man. On the way home, I was amazed when my husband said to me, 'I would really like to see you having sex with that nice guy.' I was so surprised that I nearly crashed.

In fact, we never saw the young man again. But ever since, he has been talking a lot about how good it would be if I had sex with somebody else - another male. His idea is that he would really love to be an 'onlooker' while some other man had sex with me.

Doctor, I really have mixed feelings about this. Sometimes I get very excited about the idea, and then I just feel appalled that my husband would want me to have intercourse with another man.

I guess matters are coming to a head now. You see, he has 'lined up' several men from the sports club that he belongs to. He says that he has talked with each of them about his little plan, and they are all enthusiastic.

One guy, in particular, is a very good friend of ours. He is recently divorced and has no current partner, so I suppose he may be in need of sex. I must admit that I do find him attractive - as he has a kind face and a great body.

But I am not at all happy about the idea of 'doing it' with him - especially with my husband watching. In fact, I really do not understand why my spouse wants to go in for this 'game.'

Can you explain, please?

A Please do be very careful. I do not think that you should go ahead with this 'little plan' - which could perhaps start the death of your marriage.

You may be surprised to know that there are a number of men who like the idea of seeing their wives having sex with someone else. There are even some women (but not many) who enjoy watching their spouses having intercourse with other women.

This behaviour may seem bizarre to the rest of us, but it is fairly common for someone to have invented a word for it. It is called 'compersion' - which is usually defined as 'having a feeling of joy or pleasure, at seeing a loved one have sex with another.' (Dictionary definitions vary slightly.)

But why should some people fancy this idea of compersion? I do not think that anyone has come up with a convincing explanation.

But what I have noticed is that in the couples I have seen who want to try it, their marriages are usually in a pretty rocky state already. Furthermore, a lot of them have ended up getting divorced within a few years.

For instance, I recall being consulted by a woman who was married to a French man. For a while, she enjoyed compersion, and thought it was a great idea to watch him having sex with other women. Then he went off with one of them - and that was the end of the marriage.

Summing up, I would say that it is a possibility that your relationship is in poor shape. So I urge you to get your husband to go to some kind of marriage counselling with you. What you should definitely not do is to agree to have sex with any of the men from the sports club.


How soon after a vasectomy can I have sex?

Q Doc, I have a girlfriend in Florida who I visit about twice a year. I think that on my next trip there, I might get a Miami doctor to do a vasectomy.

But if I took that 'op', would I be able to have sex with my girlfriend immediately afterwards? Like, on the same trip?

A Well, there have been cases in which men have had sexual intercourse within a few hours after doing a vasectomy.

But that is not something I would really recommend, because men are often bruised and sore for several days after taking that operation.

Also, you must bear in mind that you would not be sterile immediately after the operation. Usually, it takes several weeks to get all the sperm out of a man's 'piping'. In fact, it's normal practise to do a sperm test (or sometimes two tests) a few months post-op - to make sure that all the sperm have really gone.


Can I use a contraceptive patch?


Q At age 33, my doctor wants me to stop taking the Pill because he says that the risk of clotting in my case is too high.

Could I get that contraceptive patch instead?

A That would not be a good idea! The contraceptive skin patch is highly effective, but it contains more or less the same ingredients as the pill.

Therefore, there is a risk of thrombosis (clotting), and women who are at high risk of clots should not use it.


How can I find out whose baby it is?


Q Unfortunately, while my husband was away on business I had a 'one night stand' with a young man who is around 17 years old.

My menses are now overdue - and my test is positive! Please, is there some medical way in which I can find out whether the baby is my husband's or whether it is the young man who is the father?

A Unfortunately, medical science has not yet devised a way of determining the paternity of a newly conceived baby. Sadly, you are going to have to wait until the child is born to do any paternity tests.

However, it might be some help to you if you tried to work out when your 'ovulation day' was. That is usually around 10 to 14 days after the start of a period.

If one of the two men had sex with you around the same day of ovulation, then the probability is that he is the baby's father. But that is not certain!


I don't scream during an orgasm


Q My husband says that all the previous women that he has been with used to shriek at the moment of their orgasm. But I do not do so.

He says that therefore I am abnormal. Is that correct, doc?

A No, it isn't. Women vary greatly in their orgasms. Some shriek or squeal, others make just a little noise. I guess your husband's recollection about his past girlfriends is slightly mistaken.

I am not too happy about his less-than-kind attitude towards you. But maybe you could improve the situation by making a conscious effort to make just a little noise whenever you climax.