Thu | Jan 18, 2018

Dear Doc | My life is in ruins

Published:Sunday | June 19, 2016 | 12:00 AM

Q Doc, I am a man in despair, my life is ruined. I do not know what to do. Please help me.

Nine months ago, I met the most beautiful and wonderful 20-year-old woman.

She was 18 years younger than me, and I immediately fell deeply in love with her, and she with me. We had sex within a few days of meeting, and it was fantastic. She was the most exciting woman I'd ever met.

I was married, and I left my wife for her. My wife was very bitter, but she kept the house, and I have made sure that she is OK financially.

So, for a while, I was in heaven - having sex with the woman I love maybe four-five times for the week.

But a month ago, the bombshell dropped! My lovely girlfriend announced that it was over. She told me that she had met somebody else - some guy who is much younger than me.

It is clear that she means it, doctor. She will not talk to me, or take my calls. She has moved in with this younger man, and they have announced they are getting married shortly.

Doc, I am very sad. I lie awake at nights and I can't fall asleep until about three o'clock in the morning.

The other problem is that I am a very horny man, and I have not had sex for four weeks! Do you think it would be OK for me to masturbate? Or would it hurt my health?

A No, it will not harm you, but it might provide you with some welcome relief.

Alas, your situation is a common one. Again and again, married men (or married women) fall for some very attractive younger person, and then it all goes wrong.

That can be a terrible shock to a person's mental state. But I assure you that eventually, everyone gets over it. There will come a time when you feel like forging a new relationship, but please do not rush into any sexual or emotional relationships right now. You must give yourself time to recover from what has happened. My best advice is to avoid all thoughts of dating for a year or so.

Finally, I think you are probably depressed. Those sleep disturbances strongly suggest that! Therefore, please go to your own doctor to see if you need any treatment.


Worried about discharge after cheating


Q I had a one night stand with a younger man recently while my husband was away. I know I should not have done it, and I will never do it again.

But my problem now is very frightening - I have suddenly developed a grey discharge, and it smells fishy. It is worse after I have sex with my husband. This has me terrified! What is going on?

A Sorry to hear about this. I cannot diagnose your problem with absolute certainty, but it sounds like you may have acquired the common vaginal condition called 'bacterial vaginosis' - or 'BV.' Thousands of women get it.

The cause of BV is not exactly known, but it happens when the acid-alkali balance of the female's vagina is disturbed. The result of this disturbance is that various abnormal bacteria start growing in the vaginal fluid - notably one called Gardnerella. This little bug usually causes a grey or greyish-white discharge, plus a very fishy smell.

If you have BV, I don't think we can really blame the young man you slept with for this, as it usually not a sexually-transmitted infection.

What you must do now is to consult a doctor. She will examine you, and arrange some tests. Whether you have BV or not, you can be cured quite quickly. I don't think you should have sex until your treatment is complete.

Finally, please note that the doctor may also want to see your husband and check him out. Good luck.


She takes hours to orgasm


Q After a lifetime of 'playing the field,' I am finally going to settle down and get married. But something has me worried, Doc, I have only slept with my fiancÈe a few times, and on each occasion, she has taken a very long time to reach an orgasm - around three hours. My past girlfriends were a lot quicker than this.

Is there something wrong with her? Or am I doing it wrong?

A Well, you have to remember that having an orgasm is not as easy for women as it is for men. The average man can have one in a few minutes, but women often take anything from five to 30 minutes to climax.

Maybe the women you were with in the past managed to climax quickly because they were highly experienced. Or perhaps some of them pretended just to turn you on. Also, it could perhaps be that your recollection of what happened with those other women isn't accurate, and they did not orgasm as quickly as you recall.

Anyway, I do not think that there is anything wrong with your fiancee. My guess is that she is a little nervous, particularly if she has not done much of it before. It is quite likely that when the two of you are married, and she learns to relax, then everything will be OK.

I am glad that you have considered the fact that possibly you may not be 'doing it right.' This shows that you have both common sense and insight!

I think that you should now study one of the many books and videos which show men exactly how to stimulate a woman - and make her orgasm. But most important, you should take great care to establish a loving and romantic atmosphere in the bedroom - an atmosphere in which she can simply lie back, and take things easy and enjoy herself.

Under no circumstances should you do anything to indicate that you think she is 'slow'. Above all, avoid using expressions like 'Haven't you come yet?'


Why can't we conceive?


Q Hi, doctor. I have used the 'injection contraceptive' for about a year, and I stopped about three months ago, because my partner and I felt that it is time to have a child.

Unfortunately, we have been trying to conceive for weeks and weeks - but no luck so far. What is wrong?

A After coming off 'the Jab,' there is very often a delay in the resumption of your fertility. There have been occasional reports of women being unable to get pregnant for 22 months. But in most cases, the length of infertility only lasts a few months.

If you have not succeeded in another three months, I think you should seek medical help - preferably from a gynaecologist.

Meanwhile, just keep trying. If you are having regular menses, then concentrate your sexual efforts between the 10th and 14th day after the start of the period. I wish you well.