Sun | Jul 22, 2018

Dear Doc | Will my first time hurt?

Published:Sunday | August 28, 2016 | 12:00 AM

Q I am a 26-year-old female, and a virgin. But I am about to embark on a sexual relationship with a man whom I love!

Doc, will the first time hurt as bad as I have heard?

A: Contrary to what you have been told, the first time usually hurts very little - and sometimes not at all.

But you must make sure that you are very relaxed, and it is a good idea to apply a good lubricant immediately before.

You can buy 'lubes' at large pharmacies, and on the Internet.

Also, when a woman is a little nervous about her first sexual experience, it is often a good idea to follow the common American practise of consulting a female doctor, and asking her to do an internal examination. Sometimes this is very useful in helping the woman to understand the anatomical make up of her vagina.


What is 'bukkake'?


Q Doc, a strange thing has happened. My husband was abroad for a few weeks with his sports team, and when he came back, I gathered up all his clothes so that I could wash them. In the top pocket of his shirt I found a sort of business card. It gave a telephone number, and then the single word: BUKKAKE

I asked him what it meant, and he looked extremely embarrassed, then grabbed the card from my hand, tore it up, and threw it in the trash.

What is this all about? Has he been cheating? Do I have grounds for divorce?

A I must warn you that the subject of 'bukkake' is a rather distasteful one. It is a sexual practise which is very demeaning to women.

However, before I explain it, I should point out that one of your husband's sporting pals may possibly have put this 'business card' in his pocket as some sort of joke. Though it may seem odd to you, certain men do regard it as 'great fun' to put something incriminating in a friend's pocket - to get him in trouble with his wife. So your spouse could be totally innocent, and have had no dealings with 'bukkake'.

Bukkake is a Japanese word, meaning 'splash.' It is usually pronounced 'boo-KAH-kay.'

About 30 years ago, Japanese men invented this strange new sexual activity. The idea was that a naked young woman (usually a prostitute) would lie on a bed or table. Then a group of men would gather around her and masturbate until every one of them had ejaculated - on her.

That may seem totally bizarre to you and other female readers, but somehow, this crazy activity has become popular with men worldwide, particularly in the United States and in Europe. It appeals to men who travel abroad especially in groups business colleagues or sportsmen.

Why on earth do they like it? Perhaps because bukkake puts no great sexual 'demands' on them. After all, it is much easier than having normal sex with a woman, and trying to give her satisfaction.

Also, psychologists have theorised that some of these men derive sexual pleasure from seeing other men ejaculate. This does rather suggest that there may perhaps be a homosexual element in the practise.

Be that as it may, bukkake is now so popular among men that there are an unbelievable 158 million websites devoted to it! The organisers who run bukkake parties find it very profitable - since all they have to do is to pay a young woman who is willing to be humiliated in this way by up to 50 paying customers at a time.

About the only positive thing I can say to you is that if your husband had taken part in a bukkake party, at least he is unlikely to have caught any sexual infection - because there is rarely any physical contact between the men and the poor woman.

So what should you do now? Your best move is to insist that your spouse sits down and explains it to you himself. Demand that he tells you exactly what went on during this recent sports tour.

It is quite possible that he will try to exonerate himself by making claims such as:

• 'My friend just stuck the card in my pocket.'

• 'Some of the guys did it but I didn't have anything to do with it.'

• 'I just watched the other guys, but I didn't climax.'

My hope is that this conversation will lead to a better understanding between you and your husband. Maybe the two of you should get some marital counselling.

Finally, you ask whether you have grounds for divorce. Well, as you probably know, these days the courts only grant divorces in cases of 'irretrievable breakdown of marriage.'

The petitioner (that is, you) is not required to detail the circumstances which led to the breakdown in the relationship. So you wouldn't have to tell the judge about this bukkake business.

At the moment, all you have is the somewhat tenuous evidence of the bukkake 'ticket' - which has now gone in the trash. So the only possible solution to the problem is to talk it out.


Could I be allergic to her diaphragm?


Q Last year, for the first time, I had sex while using a condom. Within an hour I got a itchy swelling of my penis. Doc, now I have a new girlfriend. We have not had sex yet, but she has told me that she uses a diaphragm.

Would this give me the same allergic reaction?

A Possibly. But there are contraceptives which do not contain rubber. You should ask your new girlfriend whether she is willing to buy one of these. Or buy it for her.


Is there a way to find out if she is a lesbian?


Q I am about to marry a beautiful girl, but my mother says she is a lesbian!

How could I find out whether this is true? Is there a test, Doc?

A There is no 'test' for lesbianism! I am rather suspicious of your mother's motives for stating that this woman is a lesbian. You had better ask your mother if she has any proof.

You must get this problem cleared up before the wedding. Otherwise, it could easily turn into a long-standing family dispute between your mother and your bride!


What contraceptive methods can I use?


Q I am 32 years old and have met a great guy. Sex is clearly just around the corner, Doc! So is marriage.

But what methods of contraception are available to me?

A Well, there are around 15 methods. They include:

• The Pill - which you should be able to use safely for a few more years

• The Mini-Pill (progestogen-only Pill, or progestin-only Pill)

• The Shot or Jab

• The IUD ('coil')

• The IUS (intra-uterine system or 'hormone coil')

• The Implant

• The Patch (contraceptive skin patch)

• The Ring (vaginal contraceptive ring)

• The male condom

• The female condom

• The diaphragm

• The cervical cap

Also, if neither of you wants to have any children, you should talk over the possibility of either taking the female sterilisation 'op', or (in his case) doing a vasectomy.

I wish you both well. Email me again if you need further advice.