Wed | Jul 18, 2018

Dear Doc | How can our marriage survive my wife's infidelity?

Published:Sunday | September 4, 2016 | 12:00 AM

Q Doc, I would like your fatherly advice on how a couple can cope when one of them has committed adultery.

My wife and I love each other dearly. But a month ago, a friend tipped me off that she has had sex with someone else.

I asked her about it, and she burst into tears and admitted it. Apparently, she had been at some sort of evening function at the firm where she works. There was quite a lot of rum drinking, which my wife is not used to.

Unfortunately, she became somewhat 'incapacitated' and realised that she couldn't drive home. She asked her boss to give her a lift, and he drove her to his apartment, and they spent the night together. The next day, he drove her to work, and then carried on as though nothing had happened!

I knew nothing about all this because I was away for the night, visiting my sick mother in the country.

Well, of course, when I found out what happened, I was heartbroken and angry. I felt like attacking that man. But my wife persuaded me not to.

So what I want to know is how do we cope with the fact that my wife has had an affair? I just can't stop thinking (again and again) about that man having sex with her.

A Yes, many persons whose partners have been unfaithful, do get these disturbing mental images. But usually the 'picture' fades after a while.

In my practise, I have seen that when someone cheats in a marriage, there are various things that can happen:

Violence. In a small number of cases, the 'wronged' spouse resorts to violence and very, very rarely murder. Thank heavens that you decided not to go to the office and assault your wife's boss! You are obviously a sensible man, and I urge you to continue to keep your cool.

Immediate separation. Quite a lot of couples 'split' immediately. One of them walks out, and goes off to live somewhere else (maybe with a lover). That is usually the end of the marriage, but sometimes it may survive.

Try to patch things up. This is clearly what you and your wife are trying to do - and all credit to you for that. Some couples make a success of it - look at the case of the Clintons! Others don't. A lot depends on whether the couple have children - because having offspring is a factor which tends to bind a man and woman together strongly.

My urgent recommendation is that the two of you should find yourselves a wise marriage counsellor. In Jamaica, there are now a number of counselling services - religious and otherwise - and the sooner you two avail of one, the better.

It is going to take a lot of hard work by both of you to keep this marriage together. But I wish you luck.

One final thought: as affairs go, your wife's infidelity was very short-lived - night only (as far as we know). Also, by her account of what happened, she was heavily under the influence of alcohol, and probably she was pressured by her boss into complying with his sexual demands. I am hopeful that she will never do anything like that again.


Bent penis making penetration difficult


QI am having difficulties penetrating my wife. This is because my penis has suddenly started to bend to the left, doc. Why is this happening?

AIt could be that you are developing Peyronie's disease. That is an inflammation of one side of the penis. It causes scarring, and that results in bending of the shaft when the man has an erection.

There are other possible causes of your symptom, including the long-term effects of a past gonorrhoea infection. But what you should do now is to consult a urologist, who specialises in this type of disorder. I am sure he will be able to help you.


Could a vibrator help me?


Q Doc, my husband passed away four years ago. I really used to enjoy sex with him, and I miss it a lot.

I do not wish to form any other relationship with a man right now.

But doctor, I am wondering if because I am so frustrated, could I get a 'sex vibrator' and use it a few times a week? Would the sensations be the same as I use to have with my husband?

A I am sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. Yes, I think that as you are so frustrated, there would be a good case for buying a vibrator.

No, the sensations certainly wouldn't be the same as they were when you made love to him. But virtually all women who have tried vibrators report that the feelings are pleasant. Usually, these little devices cause satisfactory orgasms, and would help to relieve your frustration.

There are now several outlets in Jamaica that sell these sex toys. Alternatively, you could just Google the word 'vibrator' and you will be offered a vast choice of websites which are willing to sell you fairly inexpensive vibrators.


First sex a disaster


Q I am a 28-year-old male, and last Wednesday I had sex for the first time in my life.

Doc, it was a disaster. The woman laughed at me! The big problem was that I 'came' almost immediately as I entered her. So she did not get any satisfaction at all.

What on earth can I do?

A The first thing to say is that maybe she didn't actually laugh at you. Perhaps she was just laughing at the fact that everything had gone so wrong. Many women have a well-developed sense of humour about sexual matters.

So don't give up on this woman. Why not contact her and ask her to try again? There is a chance that she would be willing to help you - especially if you tell her that you had never been with a woman before.

Also, it sounds like maybe you have a slight case of 'premature ejaculation' (PE), which is a common male disorder. I would recommend that you see a doctor and talk it over with him. Some doctors in Jamaica are willing to prescribe a medication called clomipramine. This is an antidepressant, but it does have the additional effect of delaying orgasm. Be careful, because it does sometimes have side effects. Good luck.


Will hormone replacement therapy solve the problem?


Q Although I am only in my 30s, I have just hit 'premature menopause,' and feel very 'low'. Would you recommend Hormone Replacement Therapy?

I understand that it has just been discovered to be dangerous.

A Well, I think that any woman who suffers a distressing premature menopause is perfectly justified in taking HRT for a while - not forever.

The new research does show that the most common type of HRT does carry more risk of breast cancer than was previously thought.

But there are other types of HRT which you can take. Please be guided by your own doctor about what she can safely prescribe for you.