Dear Doc | We explored our fantasies
Q: Doc, could you give me some advice about sexual fantasies?
I have been married for almost nine years, and maybe life was starting to get a little dull in the bedroom for both of us, so we decided we should do something to pep it up.
We read some stuff on the Internet and we saw that some couples improved their sex lives by introducing fantasies into their marriages. One American expert said that it was a good idea for married couples to tell each other their most intimate and way-out desires while they were having sex.
So we thought that this was a good idea, and one Saturday night we decided to tell each other all this stuff while we were in bed.
To be honest, Doc, my fantasies did not amount to much! I just told my wife that sometimes I thought about lovely girls, or about beautiful women taking off their clothes on the beach. I wouldn't say she was actually turned on by that, but she did find it quite amusing! We laughed quite a bit.
That was OK. But the most
amazing thing happened when she started to tell me about her fantasies. She just poured out a lot of crazy ideas about having sex with filmstars, with world-famous politicians, fooling around with other women, experimenting with bondage, having sex with a handsome stranger, having a threesome with me and another guy - and so on.
To be honest, Doc, I was very shocked. I couldn't take it! Instead of getting turned on, I got out of bed and went and had a cup of coffee instead!
Since then, we have not talked about it. In fact, from that night, we have not had much sex at all.
What should I do?
A: Oh dear! It can be quite dangerous for a couple to discuss fantasies - because sometimes they can be pretty shocking to a spouse. Obviously, your wife's revelations of her fantasies has caused some trouble in your marriage - and it is important that you put things right.
Many men do not realise that a lot of women have quite exotic sexual fantasies. Until a generation ago, people did not talk much about such matters.
But back in the 1970s, an American author called Nancy Friday published a book called My Secret Garden, which became a worldwide bestseller. It listed all the sexual fantasies that a vast number of women (mostly American, I think) had told her.
The results were quite shocking to a lot of men!
Since then, over the years, many magazines have tried to list the most common fantasies that women have reported to them. Among the most popular ones are:
• Having sex with a male acquaintance or colleague;
• Having sex with a famous sportsman;
• Having sex with a famous male actor;
• Having sex with a famous politician;
• Having sex with some male relative (like a brother-in-law);
• Having sex with another female;
• Having sex with a complete stranger;
• Dominating a man during sex;
• Having sex with a guy who lives down the road.
Now, you can see that these fantasies are not too different from the ones that your spouse came up with. So I really do not think that there is anything very unusual or bizarre about her.
What is desperately important now is that you and your wife should mend fences and talk to each other about what happened. You do not have to discuss all those sex fantasies again.
Instead, I suggest that you tell her how much you love her, and how much you want to be with her. Reassure her that she is very good in bed, and that you adore having sex with her.
If the discussion doesn't go too well, I strongly suggest that you both seek help from a marriage counsellor or a minister of religion.
Finally, please bear in mind that while sexual fantasies can be a lot of fun for many couples, they certainly aren't everybody's cup of tea!
Q: I am planning to have a vasectomy next time I go to the United States. But, Doc, can you give me the answers to these pressing questions?
• Does the man still produce man-fluid afterwards?
• If so, how much?
• Is sex as enjoyable as it used to be before the surgery?
A: These are very good questions. And here are the answers:
• Yes, the man does ejaculate seminal fluid, just as before;
• The volume of fluid remains more or less the same;
• Most men report that the feelings caused from sex and orgasm are identical with what they were before surgery.
However, before you go ahead with the vasectomy, do think carefully. And discuss it fully with your partner.
Q: Doc, I am a 31-year-old female and I thought I might try that 'vaginal ring' contraceptive. But is it easy to use?
A: Yes, the vaginal ring, which is known as NuvaRing, is very easy to use. You just put it into the vagina and keep it there for three weeks.
At the end of that time, you take it out and have a week's break. Then you put another one in. During the week off, you should have your menses.
If you want to try it, see a doctor and discuss it. But please bear in mind that NuvaRing has much the same side effects as the Pill. In fact, it is virtually a vaginal version of the Pill.
Q: I am a 38-year-old man and I am getting what they call 'man boobs.' I cannot understand why, Doc.
Do you think that my girlfriend is secretly using some kind of vaginal cream that is making this happen to me?
A: Well, it does occasionally happen that when a woman uses a vaginal hormone cream, her partner absorbs some of it during sex. The result may be that he gets a certain amount of swelling around the nipples.
However, regular vaginal creams cannot possibly have this effect. Maybe you should ask your girlfriend if she is using any medication in that area.
But, in fact, most men who develop 'man-boobs' do so because they have put on weight as they got older, so fat is deposited behind the nipples. My advice: see a doctor and ask him to examine your chest. The odds are that he will reassure you - and advise you to lose weight.
Q: Doc, I have a new girlfriend. I think I love her, but she does not 'discharge' when I have sex with her. Why?
A: Well, maybe she is going to take some time to get used to you. But please bear in mind that in order to orgasm regularly, most women need:
• A warm, loving atmosphere;
• A feeling that the man appreciates them and is willing to take his time;
• Plenty of foreplay - especially in the clitoral area.
Why not talk to your girlfriend and ask her what she really wants in bed? There may well be things you could do for her which will help her to climax without too much difficulty. I wish you both well.