Tue | Feb 18, 2020

Dear Doc | Can my husband tell that I cheated?

Published:Sunday | October 2, 2016 | 12:00 AM

Q Hi Doc. Is there any way my husband could tell that I have been unfaithful? I mean, are there any changes in my body which could indicate this?

I am embarrassed to admit to you that I have cheated. It happened when I was feeling lonely and rather sad. My husband was in the United States working on a contract, and he is due back in the Island next week.

I suppose it was because of my loneliness that I took a lover, around two months ago. We only did it once. Frankly, he wasn't very good I threw him out immediately afterwards, and told him I didn't want to see him any more!

Doc, I deeply regret this. I love my husband. I have been sterilised, so there is no risk of pregnancy!

A Well, let us at least be grateful for that! The other thing you should consider is whether this 'one night stand' could have given you any infection. I am a great believer in the principle that if a person 'cheats' on their partner, he or she should get a check-up from a doctor or a clinic.

Now, you ask whether your infidelity could have caused any changes in your body that your husband might detect when he returns. The answer is 'No'. People often think that adultery will somehow cause physical alterations in a woman's body, but that is not the case.

One thing which does occasionally change after someone has been unfaithful is a person's behaviour in bed. For instance, a spouse who has cheated may suddenly start:

• Wanting to do new things which he/she has never done before;

• React much more passionately to sexual stimulation;

• Calling out the wrong name in bed!

But in view of the fact that your brief act of indiscretion was a bit of a disaster, I doubt if you will be changing your sexual behaviour at all.

What you must do now is to take a serious look at the state of your marriage. You say you love your husband, and, therefore, you should do everything possible to strengthen the bonds between you two. Also, I would strongly recommend that he does not go off by himself on long contracts again! I think you should make every effort to accompany him next time.


Can men also use vibrators?


Q Doc, could you please answer a delicate question? Can vibrators be used by men as well as women?

AThe vast majority of the millions of vibrators that are sold are employed by women. However, they can sometimes be useful to men, particularly:

• Men who are having trouble achieving an erection;

• Men who have problems climaxing.

They are sometimes prescribed for spinal injury victims who have been paralysed below the waist, but who still wish to have children.

For more information, Google the words 'Vibrators for men' - and you will be offered around 750,000 websites. But be warned: you may find some of them a little shocking.


How well does the IUD work?


Q If I got an IUD, which is what my doctor suggests, how good would it be in preventing pregnancy?

A Well, the effectiveness of the IUD (coil, loop) is generally quoted as around 98 per cent.

What this means is that if 100 women used this method for a year, only around two of them would get pregnant.

However, here are two important points to note:

1. Once you get past the age of 30, your fertility starts to decline a little. So an IUD-user in her 30s or 40s would have less chance of pregnancy, and therefore a slightly better IUD effectiveness rate than 98 per cent.

2. Newer types of medicated IUD tend to be a trifle more effective than ordinary IUDs.


Could I get infected by a 'hand job'


Q I was given a 'hand job' by a professional woman in Port Royal last week, could that have given me a sexual infection?

A It is almost unknown for manual stimulation alone to transmit a sexually-transmitted infection (STI).


Can oral sex give her an infection?


Q Doc, I expect you will disapprove of me, but I am a woman who is in show business, where I have a very successful career. But the demands of my life mean that a lot of men (often rich and influential ones) think that they are entitled to ask me for sexual 'favours.'

In fact, I only ever give them oral sex (never full sex). So I am in no danger of getting pregnant.

But now that I know that oral sex can give a woman sexually transmitted infections, I am worried, I do not want to harm my health!

I recently read in an American woman's magazine that there is some way of protecting yourself during oral sex. Is that so? And if so, what should I do?

A Well, I am less than happy at the idea that you feel you have to give sexual favours to men. Why not just try telling them 'No' - and see what happens.

However, it is good that at least you are not having sex with these men. But as you say, oral sex can give you various infections, notably:

• Chlamydia;

• Gonorrhoea;

• Herpes;

• Occasionally syphilis;

• Human Papilloma Virus (HPV) and genital warts;

• Possibly HIV, though the risk is relatively low.

Now as I am sure you know, there are two types of oral sex: cunnilingus and fellatio.

Cunnilingus is the activity in which the man puts his mouth on the woman's vulva (that is, the opening of her vagina). Pretty much all the experts agree that the only way to make this reasonably safe is to use something called a dam or barrier dam.

A dam is a rectangle of soft plastic or latex. It is usually brightly coloured, and may be pleasantly scented.

The idea is that the woman puts it across the opening of her vagina, including her clitoris and holds it there with her fingers during oral sex. So the man does everything through the dam. Surprisingly, this is perfectly pleasant for both parties capable of making the woman orgasm. And the best part is that it is not likely for any germs to get through the dam and cause an infection.

Dams have suddenly become very popular among sexually-active women in North America and Europe. I recently gave a talk on sex to a group of Canadian and English medical students. There was a pile of 'sample' dams on my desk. And by the time I had finished, the female students had helped themselves to the lot.

You may be able to buy dams in pharmacies. Alternatively, if you type the words 'buy sex dams' into your search engine, you'll be offered about a half-a million sites. Note: some women make sex dams by cutting up surgical latex gloves. If you do this, please ensure that you make the rectangle large enough.

Fellatio is the activity in which the man's penis is orally stimulated by his partner. Please do not try and use sex dams for this! The only sensible thing is to employ condoms. Make sure you put the condom on your partner before you start giving him fellatio. Though this practise may sound a little bizarre, across the world many 'ladies of the night' use it in order to protect themselves from sexually transmitted infections.