Tue | Aug 22, 2017

Dear Doc | My husband cheated, now I want revenge

Published:Sunday | October 30, 2016 | 10:00 AM
Crying is one of the best therapeutic remedies there is.

Q Doc, should I take revenge on my husband? I recently found out that he has cheated on me and I am just furious!

I have never been so angry in my life. I just feel like I have to get back at him. So my inclination is to have sex with the first handsome man who comes along! I feel that that would really 'pay him back.' But my best friend has advised me to be cautious. She has persuaded me to write to you first. What do you think, doc?

A Well, I am glad that your friend has given you such good advice. Many people react as you do when they find out that their partner has been unfaithful. I have had several female patients who have decided that they would 'hit back' at their husbands by having an affair.

However, I ask you to think carefully about what would happen if you had sex with someone else. It could have far-reaching implications and affect a lot of people. Let's look at some of these scenarios.

• First of all, you could be negatively affected. You might get a sexually-transmitted infection (STI), or you might get pregnant. Sex with another man could be utterly awful, and you might feel pretty guilty afterwards. You could well be disgusted with yourself. You could even get clinically depressed - I assure you, these things happen.

• Now, how would this affect the man you decide to sleep with? If he is married, him having sex with you could perhaps break up his marriage! Also, please bear in mind that while a lot of men are delighted at being seduced by an attractive woman, others are plunged into guilt and shame at the thought that they have committed adultery or have been used.

• Assuming that this man you sleep with has a wife, if she found out, the discovery could be terribly painful for her. This is quite a common cause of psychological illnesses in married women.

• Do you and your husband have children? How would that affect them - particularly if it becomes widely known that their mother has been having extramarital sex?

• There are other people who your affair could have a negative effect on - like your relatives on both sides. For instance, if your mother is still alive, it could be very shocking for her to think that her daughter has done this.

So what should you do? I suggest that you make every effort to try and save your marriage - particularly if you have children. Certainly, you should tell your spouse that there must be no more of this playing around. Inform him in no uncertain terms that, from now on, he has to behave himself.

Most important, please insist that he come with you to a reliable person who practises some form of marriage counselling. This could be a therapist, a minister of religion or a relationship counsellor. But to have the input of a wise third person is invaluable in these situations.

The one thing you should not do is to have sex with someone, in order to try and 'pay your husband back' for what he did.

 

Questions about the Pill

 

Q Over the years, I have tried many forms of contraception with various men. But now I think I should go on the Pill.

But what I cannot get clear is this. How long a break should a woman have between packets? And will I be protected during the break?

A That is a good question. There are many brands of Pill these days, and they all have differences.

However, the traditional thing is to have a 21-pill packet.You take one per day - so the pack obviously lasts for three weeks.

At the end of the packet, you have a week's break. This is often referred to as the 'seven Pill-free days.'

During the week's break, you will have your menses. It is stopping the Pill at the end of the packet which brings on your period.

In answer to your question, you will be completely protected during the 'seven Pill-free days,' provided that you didn't miss any of the Pills.

There are now some brands with have more than 21 pills. Some have 22 in a packet, and when you are taking that one, you should have a six-day break.

So you must be guided by the doctor who prescribes the Pill for you, and also by the leaflet which comes with the product. Stick to the instructions, and you will be OK.

 

My wife might have given me a VD

 

Q Doc, I am a very confused man. I fear that my wife has given me a VD.

I have never had sex with a woman before I met her. And I have never been with anyone since then. So I am a 'one-woman man.'

However, a few weeks ago, when I was on a business trip to Florida, I suddenly found that I had some liquid coming from my organ. I was embarrassed, so I did not call my wife and discuss it with her.

Instead, I went to a doctor in Miami. He examined me, and did some urine test.

Then he told me the terrible news. He said that I had gonorrhoea! And he gave me some treatment - penicillin, I think.

Since then, my symptom has improved. But my state of mind keeps getting worse! I am just horrified, because as far as I can see, the only way I could have got gonorrhoea is if I caught it from my wife! That is a horrible thought. It means that she must have been unfaithful to me, does it not, Doc?

Since I have returned to Jamaica, I have not told her what the situation is. But I have deliberately avoided having sex with her. Help me please.

A Well, no wonder you are worried. However, I have some hope for you.

I am not sure that the doctor in Florida could have made an instant diagnosis of gonorrhoea ('the clap') just like that. To test for that infection, a doctor has to have some very complex equipment, involving a microscope and special stains. And he or she has to have quite a degree of expertise in preparing slides and handling the microscope.

What I am saying is that the Miami doctor could have been wrong. So what you should do now is to go as soon as possible to a reliable Jamaican clinic where they have proper testing facilities - for instance, the Slipe Pen Road clinic.

I suggest that, first of all, you talk this over with your wife, and (if she is willing) take her along to the clinic with you. Good luck!

 

When will I get to menopause?

 

Q Doc, I am currently 33 years old. When do you think I will reach menopause?

A Well, the average age in Jamaica is around 49. But it varies a lot!

deardoc@gleanerjm.com