Dear Doc | Almost 30 and depressed about sex
Q: Doctor, I am a woman hovering on the brink of a BIG birthday — my 30th. But I am feeling depressed about my sex life.
Tell me, is it all downhill from now on?
Let me explain my situation. I was married for some time, but 18 months ago my husband left me and ran off with a ‘younger model.’ From then, I have not had sex.
I have been tempted to masturbate. But would it hurt me doc?
From what my mother told me years ago, I am of the impression that women in their 30s don’t have much sex — and women in their 40s and 50s have even less! She told me that there was ‘no sex after the menopause'. That all sounds pretty sad.
Is all this true? Can I only look forward to an endless decline?
A: Look, I think you have allowed yourself to be overcome by sadness. You may even be clinically depressed. Certainly, you should now go to a doctor and talk over your feelings with her. If necessary, she can give you some medication to improve your mood.
Now, I mean no disrespect to your mother, but she gave you a totally wrong view of female sexuality!
I assure you, many women remain interested in sex until into their middle age — and often for 20 or 30 years beyond that! I have several female patients in their 70s and 80s, who are still enjoying vigorous sex lives with their partners.
And the idea that there is ‘no sex after menopause’ is just plain wrong. There are some women who give up on sex after they have gone through the ‘change of life,’ but there are countless others who don't.
In recent years, researchers have found that a lot of women become even more sexual after menopause — possibly because they know that they don’t have to worry about unwanted pregnancy. And some English sexologists say that women who are post-menopausal, often develop a greater ability to have multiple orgasms.
However, there are two factors which strongly influence a woman's ability to enjoy sex as she grows a little older-her health; and the availability of a partner.
There is no doubt that ill health makes it more difficult for a female to have a good sex life (that applies to men as well). So do your best to keep yourself fit and healthy!
A woman’s sex life is unlikely to be very successful if she has a sexually inept partner — or no partner at all.
So what should you do? Well, once you get over your current period of depression, I think that you should take steps to improve your social life. Get out and enjoy yourself! And if you happen to find a nice new partner, that could be very good for you. Please try to make sure that it is somebody kind, sympathetic and loving. It would also help if the new person is knowledgeable about sex!
Finally, you ask me about masturbation — and whether it would hurt you. No it will do no harm at all to your health. It would help to relieve any sexual frustration, and it would also assist in keeping everything in working order, until you have found a partner to love and cherish you.
Q: I am a man who has led a very active sex life with many beautiful and attractive women. I must admit that I have never had any complaints from them about my size. But I have always felt that I am just a little on the small side.
Recently, I have been doing some research on the Internet, and have found that in America there seem to be thousands of surgeons who say that they can enlarge or lengthen the penis. One of them says that he can ‘relocate’ the head of the organ, in order to give a man three extra inches.
Doc, I have quite a lot of money saved up, should I go ahead and give one of these operations a try?
A: I think it would be foolishness to do so. These operations are unproven. And if something goes wrong, you could easily lose part of your penis.
In your account of your past sex life, you say that you have ‘never had any complaints’ from women. So why subject yourself to a dangerous and expensive operation? Please don’t do it.
Q: Several years after divorcing my husband, I am about to resume sex with a great new guy!
But at age 34, what method of contraception would be best for me?
A: Do you want to have any more children? If not, then sterilisation would be worth considering.
But if that would be too ‘final,’ then here are some other options:
• The Mini-Pill — often considered safer than the Pill for women in their 30s;
• The Coil — or intrauterine device (IUD);
• Mirena — the intrauterine system (IUS);
• The Shot — useful short-term, but beware of the possibility of thinning bones;
• The Skin Patch (Evra) — works well, but carries the same risks as the Pill;
• The vaginal Ring;
• The diaphragm
Q: Last month, I slept with a woman from Savanna-la-Mar. Now I find that my penis is sore and itchy, with some white stuff around the head.
Is this a VD, doc? And did I get it from that woman in 'Sav’?
A: I think you most likely just have just a yeast infection — what some folks call ‘thrush’ or ’candida.’ It is difficult to say whether you acquired it from the young woman you slept with in ‘Sav.’
What is certain is that you should go to a doctor right away and have this problem checked out. I guess it is possible that the doctor will prescribe some anti-yeast cream, like clotrimazole. With luck, that should get rid of the infection.
But please don't have sex until you are cured.
Q: I saw where you said that losing weight can help a man’s performance in bed. Doc, would that apply to women too?
A: Well, there is now evidence, from research in Italy, that if an overweight woman looses weight, she may be able to enjoy a more pleasant sex life. It’s worth a try.
Q: My wife is using some kind of vaginal cream, which I believe contains female hormones.
Could this stuff affect me as I have heard?
A: There is a certain amount of truth in what you have heard. There have been a few cases in which a
woman has been using vaginal hormone cream — and her partner has absorbed oestrogen through his penis during sex. As a result, he temporarily develops little breasts.
However, it is fairly easy to prevent this from happening. Do not have sex with your wife during the first three hours after she inserts the cream. For instance, if you are going to have sex in the evening, she could put in the cream during the morning.
By the evening, her body should have absorbed the hormone — so you ought to be pretty safe.