Tue | Aug 22, 2017

Is He Marriage Material?

Published:Sunday | April 9, 2017 | 4:00 AMKrysta Anderson

Australian sex therapist, journalist, and clinical psychologist Bettina Arndt once said, "Women hope men will change after marriage but they don't ..." But maybe us women, have been approaching marriage wrong all along. Maybe it is that he can't change, because he was never truly marriage material in the first place.

So, now that we have your attention, here are a few signs that you might be ignoring, that will show you if he really is marriage material.

- Excessively flirtatious: This is probably how he got you in the first place. But if you witness him looking in greener pastures, this may mean that you have been batting practice for the game of girls out there. Not a good sign for Mr I Do.

- Always trying to change you. He may criticise your appearance, your wardrobe, your job, your family, your friends, even your outlook on life. He's not a partner. He's a control freak waiting to belittle you in order to feel good about himself. This will only get worse if you marry him.

- Financially unstable or too caught up in his career. Both have the same effect: you being neglected. It might be that he can't hold down a job, and switches from career to career. That maybe sign of a man who hasn't found himself just yet, and, therefore, has no space for anyone in his life except to fulfil his sexual desire. Too busy with his career may also result in you having to bear with him when it comes to his time and that will definitely pose a problem when marriage comes into the mix.

- Emotionally unavailable. If he keeps telling you that he can't love you the way you want or need to be loved, then he's definitely not marriage material. The point of a marriage is for two whole individuals to come together and create a union bigger than themselves. If he doesn't give his all before, then he can't do so during marriage.

- It's all about sex. If you can't have a conversation beyond intimacy, then you're not a girlfriend, and you won't truly be a wife. You will be a booty call.

- The talk gone wrong. When talks of marriage and children gives him the 'heebie jeebies' then he is certainly not ready for marriage or children,

- Mean spirited. Nothing is worse than a man who is mean spirited towards you and/or other people. Over time, it will catch up with you and you will realise that he is not a nice person. Who wants to marry a mean man anyway?

- Family is off limits. If you don't know any member of his family, or he allows them to speak lowly of you, then he is not only not marriage material, he is not for you, period.

- Breaking promises. Over time, with busy schedules, it will hurt that promises are not kept or he constantly breaks them. A breech of a promise means missed quality time for yourself and for each other. You need a partner you can depend on in a marriage.

- Gut feeling. Nothing beats intuition, and yes, women tend to be super paranoid. But if you really think that after all you have gone through that he is not marriage material, then why force it? Let nature take it's course. If it is meant to be let it be. If not, cut your losses and move on to someone who will truly love you and want to make you his wife.

Of course, it is not all doom and gloom. Marriage between two loving people can be a beautiful thing. So we asked a few women, how did they knew their husband was marriage material. Here is what they had to say.

I knew his heart had the same life desires as mine, and I'm sure I was marriage material. That's why he asked. We felt the same way about family, kindness, protection, and love, along with things that make for a steady home and life. Boy, was he ambitious! Still is too, always getting better and better. I couldn't ignore those things and let them slide by.

Monique Grey, married for three years.

Well, his level of maturity was evident and I loved how responsible he was, and how well he managed his finances. He always knew how to prioritise and always sought to ensure that I was comfortable. I also watched how he treated his mom, which for me, was indicative of how I would be treated.

Basillia Barnaby-Cuff, married for two years.

A few incidents stood out for me. One was when my mother was sick with cancer, he fed and cared for her as if she was his own and this was before we got married. I think that sealed the deal for me. He also made Christmas dinner for me and my family two years running. It was just him and his apron in the kitchen again this was before we got married. I love a man who knows his way around the kitchen. He's a selfless person one of his greatest qualities. Just a kind, genuine, and naturally caring man. That's how I knew he was marriage material.

Melissa Gray, married for four years.

He treats me with such love and care, and I couldn't get enough of him. Honest to God, he was amazing. Always there, and I also said to myself, 'if he is such a great dad, he might make a great husband,' and has been.

Sasha Miller, married two years.

We got married six to seven years after dating. In year four, we were both at university, became more mature. He had a sense of responsibility, he had a plan and knew how to got about executing that plan. He wasn't selfish with these plans, in fact, he included me in them as much as possible. He was supportive in all that I did, mentally, physically, emotionally, and intellectually. We grew together so our future plans were the same.

Victoria Stewart, married for eight years.

I like the fact that he puts up with all my crap. He can also cook and clean for himself which is a plus.

- Casandra Smith Scott, married for one year.

krysta.anderson@gleanerjm.com