Mon | Jul 16, 2018

Dear Doc | I'm in love with two women

Published:Sunday | April 23, 2017 | 12:00 AM

Q Doctor, I am a deeply troubled man. I think I love my wife, but I have fallen deeply in love with a wonderful woman who I met a few months ago, through my job. I think about her all the time, night and day.

Is it possible for a man to love two women at the same time? I just don't know what to do.

A  I am so sorry to hear about all this. Your mind must be in a turmoil. Can a man can love two women at once? To some extent, the answer depends on what we mean by the word 'love'. Obviously, there are different kinds of love. Sometimes, the word can just mean 'liking a lot'. But real romantic love has a peculiar, all-consuming intensity. Generally, it is the powerful love of one man for one woman, or vice versa. And it excludes all others.

The 'love object' becomes the burning centre of the man's life. He thinks of her every waking moment. In many cases, he would willingly give his life for her!

From my experience, I would say that this tremendously strong love can only be focused on one person. I have known three or four male patients who have tried to remain in love with two women at once. But mostly it has not worked out. Humans do not seem capable of giving rip-roaring intensive romantic love to two different people.

In your case, I cannot see that you will be able to remain wildly in love with this new woman while still in a loving relationship with your wife. However, time has a way of dealing with complex human situations like this, and it may be that things will be a little clearer in (say) six months.

Therefore, I offer you the same advice that I usually give to people who are in muddled 'triangle' relationships. It is this - try and calm everything down for a while.

For the next six months, take no sudden decisions. It would be best if you tried not to see this other woman at all. If you do have to see her, for instance, because of your work, then try not to have sex with her. Above all, do not get her pregnant! That would really over complicate things.

I wish all three of you the very best of luck. I am afraid that this is going to be a difficult year for you all.


Bored in my marriage


QDoc, I find that sadly my marriage is getting boring. My husband does not pay enough attention to me, so I have to admit that my thoughts have turned to finding a boyfriend.

Five years ago, I took a 'female sterilisation' operation. Is this totally 'safe'? In other words, could I have sex with other men, without any fear of pregnancy?

ASorry to hear about the problems in your marriage. Could you not do anything to rebuild your relationship with your husband? For instance, it might help to go with him to a marriage counsellor.

Please realise that it would be a very big step to start cheating with other men. That might actually break up your marriage for good. So think very carefully before you do this!

As it relates to female sterilisation, the failure rate of this operation is generally reckoned to be around one in 2,000. Therefore, occasionally, a woman who has been sterilised does get pregnant. But that is obviously very rare.

So you could, I suppose, go ahead and have sex with other men without running any significant risk of conceiving. But I beg you to try and mend your marriage, rather than embark on the 'primrose path' of adultery.


Worried about prostate


QI am a little worried about my prostate, Doc. Sex is going fine, but I am having slight trouble with urination.

I just don't have as good a 'stream' as I used to. And sometimes I dribble - this is embarrassing.

Should I go ahead and have a prostate check from a doctor? And would he have to put his finger up my anus? I do not like that.

A I'm sorry that you feel that way. But the only way a doctor can examine the prostate gland is to put a gloved finger into the anus. You see, the prostate is right in front of the wall of the rectum, and can easily be felt and assessed by the doctor's fingertip. That can be a little embarrassing for the patient, but that's how it is.

In your particular case, it's good that sex is OK, but your slight difficulties with urination do suggest that you should go and have a prostate examination. I expect that the doctor will also want to do a blood test called PSA (or Prostate Specific Antigen).

Try not to worry, I'm sure everything will work out OK!


Problems with delayed ejaculation


QMy wife is desperate to get pregnant, but I have that problem you have mentioned before, where the man can orgasm outside the vagina (like by masturbation, or with a hand-job), but can't climax inside it.

Is there any way that I could get her pregnant?

AYes. The condition you are talking about is called 'Delayed Ejaculation' or 'Retarded Ejaculation.'

I suggest you look it up on the Internet by Googling either of these names. You will see that there are well over half a million websites offering advice. Beware of the ones that want you to send them money!

Delayed ejaculation is usually a psychological condition. Something in the man's mind makes him feel that it would be 'wrong' or 'dangerous' to ejaculate inside the vagina. Fortunately, this is quite often treatable.

Ideally, treatment should be given by a therapist who understands the condition. The usual aim of therapy is to get the man to climax nearer and nearer to the vagina, over a period of several weeks. With luck, eventually he will be able to do it just outside - and then just inside!

If you can't find a therapist who could help you, then there is still a way to get your wife pregnant. In such cases, the idea is for the man to ejaculate into an absolutely clean metal or glass container. Then the couple can transfer his 'man-fluid' into the wife's vagina. Often this is done with a sterile syringe.

However, to carry out this form of artificial insemination, you might need the help of a doctor or a nurse. Most important, you should do it on a day when your wife is ovulating. Good luck to you both in conceiving.


Is HRT a form of contraceptive?


QI am very sexually-active, but it looks like I am going to have to go on that 'Hormone Replacement Therapy' thing soon.

Doc, am I right in thinking that it would work as a contraceptive, and protect me against pregnancy?

AI'm afraid that HRT does not act as a contraceptive! That is a common misunderstanding. So you need continue to take contraceptive precautions such as using the condom, the female condom or the diaphragm.