Dear Doc | My boyfriend does not last long in bed
Q Dear Doctor, I am grateful for your column. I look forward to reading it on Sundays.
My problem is that for a while now, my boyfriend has been ejaculating very quickly this happens at every sexual encounter. If I'm lucky, he will last 15 minutes, while I have not even started. On an average, he lasts five minutes. I don't bash him about it. He says I should take it as a complement, but it is a bit frustrating. Please could you tell what can be done to prolong our experience? He is in his early 30s, and I am the only person he has ever been with sexually. I am in my late 20s.
A Thank you for your question. The neurohormonal system and psychology associated with sexual desire, arousal, and the act of sex and orgasm, are all very different in men and women. Women need a longer time for all phases, and is more affected by psychological/situational/partner chemistry than men.
The average time for ejaculation in men is about five minutes after constant stimulation (oral, masturbatory, intercourse, sex toy). The range is two to 10 minutes, so your boyfriend is doing pretty well. The problem is, most women need around 20 minutes unless there is direct stimulation of the clitoris which can shorten this time to about 5 to 10 minutes.
What can you do? The following should be helpful:
- Ensure that both of you eat healthy, exercise regularly and have yearly medical check ups.
- Keep your minds positive, avoid/ manage negative stressors.
- Relax with your partner. Communicate 24/7, especially during sex.
- Have him stimulate your clitoris even to orgasm before he attempts penetration ... lots of foreplay for you but avoid direct simulation of his penis.
- During intercourse, ask him to go slower, when he feels the tension building up he can stop, think about something else (distraction method) or he can pull out and gently squeeze the base of the penis close to the belly or close to the tip until the tension subsides he can re- enter and start again.
- Try different positions where he is less dominant ie you on top or both of you lying on the side (spoons position)
- Visit a doctor who is also a sex therapist for more techniques ... many are listed in the yellow pages. They may also recommend mild antidepressants which delay ejaculation. Best of luck.
Persistent clear, sticky discharge
Q Dear Doc, my 12-year-old daughter is having a clear sticky discharge, that looks like cold coming from her vagina. It started when she was 11 years old, and I took her to the doctor, but they told me nothing was wrong it was because she would start menstruating, and it would stop once it started. It continued for about nine months until her period came for the first time last year. But the discharge is still there. Doc, can you tell me what is wrong with her?
A I understand your concern, it is good that you took her to the doctor who assessed her and did not find any signs of infection, which is a common cause of a persistent vaginal discharge.
Based on your description, the discharge is odourless and non offensive, and coincides with the onset of puberty ... therefore there is nothing wrong with your daughter. The vaginal discharge you are seeing is a mixture of secretions from the cervix, vagina and surrounding glands. When puberty starts (age nine to 11), the body starts producing more female hormones which causes the type of discharge you described.
She needs to maintain good hygiene, keep the area clean/dry and wear loose cotton underwear. Your concern about the duration of the discharge is noted, but rest assured that as time passes and the hormones balance out, the discharge will get less and less, and get to a level where just enough is produced to keep the delicate vaginal/vulval tissues from drying out and 'cracking'.
Bad breath problems
Q Dear Doc, I am a 23-year-old female, and I have had bad breath for the longest time. I visit my dentist regularly to get cleaning done - I have a few fillings but no cavities. The last doctor I saw, told me that it was my sinus that was causing it. What do you think Doc? I keep my mouth clean and I do not have any medical problems.
AYour doctor is correct, sinus problems especially chronic (long-standing) or recurrent infections can cause bad breath because the sinuses are spaces in the skull with connections leading to the inside of the nose and mouth. Once the infection is treated and you maintain a healthy diet, your breath will improve.
Minimise or avoid dairy products, as these tend to cause allergies in many persons. These allergies lead to sinus congestion which can lead to infection and hence the bad breath.
Drink more water between meals, have more fruits and vegetables in your diet, as this keeps the intestines clear and improves digestion. Many cases of bad breath are due to a sluggish intestine filled with undigested food.
How did he get herpes?
Q Dear Doc, my 15-year-old son has some fine bumps on his upper lip that are filled with water. They came up a year ago and I took him to the doctor who said it was Herpes and gave him some pills and a cream. It went away, but came back after a few months. He says he is not sexually active, so how come he got this infection?
A Please be informed that the age of consent for sex in Jamaica is 16 years old. Having sex below this age is illegal and criminal charges can be incurred by the parents/guardian of the under aged child.
Herpes is a virus that is contracted by skin-to-skin contact such as touching, kissing and sexual activity. The virus cannot survive on surfaces apart from the skin, there is no evidence that it can be transmitted by utensils, cups, drinking straws or food.
The infection may have been contracted in childhood from adults (parents included) who have the virus in their system and hug and kiss their children.
Once contracted, the virus stays in the system for life, as there is currently no medication to cure it. The medication relieves the itching, tingling and reduces the severity and duration of the rash. The rash tends to recur when the immune system is weakened by illness, fatigue or stress. This is the time when it is more likely to pass it on to another person, so he must avoid skin to skin contact with others until after the rash is gone.
My husband cannot satisfy me
Q Dear Doc, I am asking for your advice. I am a 55-year-old married woman, and my husband and I have been together for 20 years, married for 15. We have three children together, and the last one just started high school.
The problem is, that my husband can no longer satisfy me in bed. He has diabetes and prostate problems for five years now, and is on medication. He finds it hard to get an erection, and when he does, he loses it as he is about to enter me. I am starved for some good sex.
There is a young man who lives not too far from us, he is a friend of my daughter, and we talk a lot. When I see him I feel so horny my vagina gets very wet. He seems to like me, and I am thinking about having sex with him, but sometimes I feel guilty for feeling this way because my husband is a very good man and father but I am tortured by these unsatisfied feelings ... I need some sex really bad.
A My deepest sympathies. Having sex with this young man may provide you with short term relief from your sexual tension, but it could destroy your marriage. Your feelings of guilt are an indication of the negative psychological effects it may have on you if you decide to proceed. What about your children especially your daughter? How will they react if they find out? Which is very likely since he lives nearby and neighbours are not blind.
There are other options you may wish to consider such as:
- Discussing your distress with your husband and ask him about his needs as he may also be sexually frustrated because of his medical conditions.
- Asking your husband to provide you with manual and/or oral stimulation. You may want to do the same for him.
- Sex toys ... both of you can use these to aid each other sexually.
Best of luck.