Tony DeyalI WAS quite surprised by the language I heard coming from the morning programme on one of the local television stations on Thursday, March 8, International Womens' Day. We brought in some bitches, said one male voice. Seeing that my two infant children were around and could hear what was being said, I went to see what this was about.
As I drew closer to the television set, I heard the same voice saying, 'This is a black German'. Strange, I thought, very strange. It turned out, however, that the discussion was about dogs. The Trinidad and Tobago Police Force, dissatisfied with its traditional source of dogs, England, had bought 24 new dogs from Germany.
A team had gone to that country searching for likely candidates. It was a case of not who let the dogs out, but who let them in. I could foresee an immediate problem.
Language. English dogs would understand our commands but when a German police dog hears Nine, Nine, Nine it thinks you said, No, No, No.
Besides, bi-lingualism means different things for dogs and people. A local business advertised in its show window, "Help wanted. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer".
A short time afterwards, a passing dog saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he ushered him into the office.
Inside, the dog jumped upon the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the computer and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you must have other computer skills."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer and started creating a spreadsheet for the company. It was a perfect programme that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realise that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentence that said the company was an equal opportunity employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow".
English is a tough language to understand, even for people who grew up with it as a first language. We have words like bear and beer that sound alike. Take the case of the extremely religious couple who wanted an equally fundamentalist Christian pet.
Heaven-ward
They found a kennel specialising in religious dogs and found one they liked very much. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went piously home, giving praise for their good fortune.
That night they invited some friends to see their new dog and to share in their blessings. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This briefly embarrassed the couple as they hadn't thought of normal tricks at all. However, they figured that a reputable kennel would not overlook the obvious, so they decided to try.
The man looked at the dog, and then clearly pronounced the command, Heel! In a flash, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, looked heaven-ward, closed his eyes in concentration, and piously bowed his head.
While a German dog might more likely understand Heil! instead of heal or heel, the other question is whether it is tough enough to deal with our local criminals. It is a dog-eat-dog world out here and what we want is a dog like the ones the Americans developed to end the Cold War. After realising that the arms race would end the world, they decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog-fight. Each team had five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing country would have to lay down its arms.
The Russians found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and bred them with the most vicious Siberian wolves. They selected only the largest and strongest puppy from each litter and gave him all the milk.
Steroids
They used steroids and after five years came up with the most fearsome dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steelbars that were five inches thick. Nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine-foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund leaned up and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left of the Russian dog.
The Russian President came up to the Americans shaking his head in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest dogs in the world." "That's nothing," the American President replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years trying to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."
Tony Deyal was last seen asking, What's fast, furry and goes foow, foow? No, not a German police dog. It is a plain English dog chasing a car that's in reverse.
