By Lovern Hayes, Staff Reporter
SASHA GEORGEis 20 and has always done as she pleased in moderation of course.
Her parents, though strict, encouraged her to be independent and although she complained about the archaic rules and regulations of her former high school, the system also helped to her to develop self-love and respect and self-confidence. As a result, George grew up to be a confident, assertive, outspoken, and wilful young woman.
Then she started dating Mark Green,a 22-year-old teacher who seemed to accept her independence and assertive nature. However, after a year of courtship Green started voicing his disapproval of her short skirts and sought to clamp down on her hemlines. She acquiesced to his demands because she was still in the throes of early romance and wanted to please him, and she believed he needed only a little time to come around. After all, there must be some give and take in every relationship.
Or so she thought.
Later he started complaining that she was too wilful, next he found her too feisty for him. George was now in a quandary about how far should she go to prove her love. She was not by nature docile but she tried for the sake of the relationship.
Many people often find themselves in the difficult position of having to change aspects of themselves for their partner. How far should we go?
Relationships are like partnerships entered into by two people who usually have feelings for each other. For the relationship to last, both must establish and state how far they are willing to go for the sake of the relationship, say the experts. Hopefully both parties want the same thing out of the union and would therefore take the necessary steps to this end.
YOU CANNOT CHANGE FOR
ANYONE BUT YOURSELF
Management consultant Yvonne Sobers says she is categorically against people changing for anyone else. "You cannot change for someone else, you can only change for yourself. Some people claim that they have changed for their partner, but is it a real change? What happens when the relationship is over...will you change back?," she asks.
People can change aspects of their character without detracting from the essence of their being as some changes are of cosmetic value. For example, 30-year-old Dianne Christophergrew her hair longer because her boyfriend liked long hair and used to harass her when she sported a low cut.
Christine Phipps, a 24-year-old administrative assistant, stopped wearing short dresses and skirts because her boyfriend told her to. She attracted too much attention, he said.
However, Ms. Sobers believes that how you dress says something about you. "Your personality is reflected in the clothes you wear, your accessories and how you carry yourself. If you change that without really wanting to do it for yourself, then you're really changing you." She believes that cosmetic changes are usually short term because the "changed person is uncomfortable with the change and will ultimately change back sometimes even before the relationship ends.
"When one changes to suit another, a lot of strain is placed on the relationship because one of the persons is not being authentic."
On the other side, there are those who enter into relationships knowing that there are things about their partner they dislike. Nonetheless, they invest time and energy into the relationship in the hope that they will have the power and ability to change their partner.
"This is not only unfair, it is unrealistic," says Sobers. "The only way someone will make a real change will be if they feel loved unconditionally as they are, that means, unchanged. Then, and only then, that person may change if they want to...but they must feel that they are loved regardless and it must be something they want to do for themselves."
Lauriette Halland Dana Wilkinsonagree. Hall tells the story of trying to change herself to please an ex-boyfriend. It didn't work out, she says because "I felt like I was losing myself...I didn't feel comfortable with what I was becoming. Even my friends said so. I stopped hanging out with them and started to change the way I looked...it wasn't me at all."
CHEATERS CANNOT CHANGE, UNLESS THEY CARE ENOUGH ABOUT
THE RELATIONSHIP
Wilkinson, on the other hand, tried to change her cheating boyfriend Steve. "I kept telling myself that he will change if I love him enough and if he loves me too. But it didn't work out. When I thought that he was changing, he was merely hiding things from me."
Cheaters cannot change unless they care enough about the relationship to make things work, says Sobers. "Whether or not they love the person, is not sufficiently relevant. If they value the relationship then they will change."
Still, Sobers' summary of the issue is simple: "How you find the person is how you have to accept them" stresses Ms. Sobers. "When you meet someone and fall in love, it is that person you are falling in love with...not the person you think you can create."
As for Sasha George, well she realised that Mark wasn't exactly the guy for her. He couldn't accept her for who she was so ... she showed him the door. She is not involved in a relationship now but swears the next guy who is interested in her has to love her for herself not what he wants her to be.
Names changed by request
