Hurt by memories of deceased boyfriend

Dear Pastor,

I am a Christian for the past eight years. I am a graduate of a community college. I have also tried to choose wisely when it comes to men. I met a man last year May and we became good friends, by October of the same year we kissed for the first time. We had a healthy relationship. We decided that making love was not very important at the time. He was Christian minded. I met his parents and brother and we were living like a family.

His parents were always very kind to me. They treated me very well whenever I went there. This guy and I went out together. He would hold me in his arms for hours. I lay in his bed and talked. He told me about his past and the other girls he had intimate relationships with. He even admitted that he had some amount of feelings for his last girlfriend.

In January of this year he died tragically in a car accident. It has been five months. I sometimes wish I could turn back the hands of time. I often get so upset because of the way I feel, and because he is no longer in my life.

Sometimes I cry and want to question God. But I know that God took him early for a reason. Sometimes I feel like giving up with my faith in God.

Recently a friend of mine has been showing interest in me but he has a girlfriend and they have been going together for 12 years. I am not looking for sex, I just need comfort and to be with a reliable friend.

Do you think I should go with him. We wouldn't be having sex maybe just kissing or hugging.

A 31-year-old man in my church says he really likes me and I think he is honest. I don't want to feel secure because of the way I felt when my boyfriend died. However, this guy in my church has been waiting for an answer. I am afraid to commit myself to someone again. I feel it might be better to see a person without making a commitment, so that when he leaves me I would not experience the feelings I had when my boyfriend died.

I am awaiting your fatherly advice.

T.B., St. Ann

Dear T.B.

As I see it, you are not ready to become involved with any man. You are vulnerable. You need time for the healing of the mind. There must be a time for healing and reflection. You were not expecting your boyfriend to die tragically so the pains you are feeling now will not go away easily. They will dissipate in time. Any man who is offering you comfort at this time is likely to take advantage of you.

You talk about this male friend who has had an intimate relationship with his girlfriend for 12 years. You should not allow yourself to be fooled. It is unlikely that he would only want to hug you and kiss you. Let him stay with his woman. It is not wise for you to give him an inch.

The Christian brother is also showing interest. He too should wait. However, if he is a good man and is walking uprightly and active in church, you may keep him in mind. And when you have fully got over the death of your boyfriend and believe that you are thinking clearly and seeing clearly, you may begin to show interest in him, if you believe that you love him.

Perhaps you have not been able to share your problems with other members of your church, but I am sure that the older women in your congregation can help you to overcome your loss by meeting with you and praying with you and for you. You are not alone.

If you are born again, the Holy Spirit lives in your heart and He will lead and direct your step if you would yield your life totally to Him.

Pastor

Thank God for good neighbours ­ Pastor

Dear Pastor,

I am 35 years old and I have three children for different fathers. I got married and became a member of a church. I did not get much education when I was growing up because my father died and my mother was not able to send me to school.

About a year after I got married, my husband started to go with other women. I spoke to him about his conduct and he denied that he had other women.

As time went by I started to receive threats from some of his women. I spoke to him about it and he beat me up and said I should come out of his house. I went to the police and they spoke to him.

Whenever I went to church he would curse me and call me dirty names. He said that I am a hypocrite and the pastor and members of the church are hypocrites. After living with him for four years under bad conditions, I was forced to take the children and run for our lives by night.

After I left he was caught in a house with another man's woman. He was chopped on the shoulder and back. The police became involved. He came to take out his frustration on me and if it were not for my neighbour he would have killed us. God gave me the strength to run after all those kicks I got from my husband. I had to go back to the parish where I am originally from. I am still a Christian. My children are here with me.

My husband wants me to file for a divorce. I do not have the money to do it. Can you to tell me how I can get him to do it. I want to be free from him.

Initials Withheld,

St. Catherine

Dear...,

I am glad that you are alive. You are a good woman and you deserve to be free from a man who does not know how precious a good woman is to a man. What you should do is to go to a lawyer and let him or her tell you what it would cost for a divorce, and then inform your husband of the cost. Tell him you cannot afford to pay for it so he should give you the money to pay for it. At present you should be more concerned about helping your children and finding a good place to live. So the little money you are earning you really should not spend it on divorce proceedings.

Thank God for good neighbours who helped you. Don't be discouraged. Not every marriage is successful. God can help you to pick up the pieces. It would not be easy, but God has never let down His children.

Pastor.

Lying lover makes her cry

Dear Pastor,

I am a 19-year-old student who is desperately seeking your advice. I have been friendly with a man for the past seven months. The problem is that he has not been honest with me since we became intimate. He is the father of a two-year-old daughter, but he did not tell me about her until a week ago. I was so shocked when I heard I did not know what to say. I became angry and confused. I cried so much. How could he keep such a thing from me.

When I met him he told me that he wanted me to carry his first child. Why did he have to lie to me?

My brothers told me that he is also a gambler. How many more secrets is he hiding from me? I don't believe I can trust him. I have been honest with him.

Please tell me what to do. I have not stopped crying. I am waiting for your fatherly advice.

F.M., Manchester

Dear F.M.,

I understand why you feel disappointed in this man. He lied to you all the way. He told you that he did not have children and that he wanted you to have his first child. He is a dishonest man. He cannot be trusted. If indeed he is a gambler, it is unlikely that he would have money. Your brothers would not have mentioned his gambling habits to you if they were not concerned about you and the relationship you have with this man.

I am not prepared to tell you to leave him. That decision is up to you. However, remember that you have been warned by your brothers about him, and you know from experience that he is not truthful. So whatever decision you make, you will have to live with it.

Pastor

DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM? IS SOMETHING BOTHERING YOU? WRITE TO DEAR PASTOR, DR. AARON DUMAS, P.O. BOX 188, KING STREET, KINGSTON. FOR PERSONAL REPLIES PLEASE INCLUDE A STAMPED SELF ADDRESSED ENVELOPE. TELEPHONE 929-1667/8.

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