Sins of the father

By Avia Ustanny, Freelance Writer

TODAY, IT'S no longer cool to be an abusive, neglectful, wild-oats-sowing father, but the seed sown in the years when the male parent was a distant god of discipline and neglect are still being reaped.

Dr. Denise Eldemire, head of the National Council for Senior Citizens, says "It is a fact that there are more elderly men in institutions than there are females.

"There is a problem in general not only with parenting, but also with relationships. Older women are looked after not only by their children, but also by their friends and their churches. Men appear to have less social networks."

Blame it on social traditions, says Dr. Barry Davidson, counselling psychologist and head of Family Life Ministries. "The father one or two generations ago had two distinct roles -- that of provider or disciplinarian. When he was not able to provide, he either abandoned the child or ran away.

"The frustration of not being able to provide sometimes made them (the fathers) very abusive. As a disciplinarian they were also very abusive because that is what they learnt from their own fathers."

He adds that fathers today are recognising that "not only is it important for them to be a good provider, but they have to give their children time and attention. Hence the change we are seeing with younger fathers," the psychologist said.

Some of those with fathers from the old school are today speaking out. Hurting wounds of childhood, long covered over, daughters and sons tell why, in many instances, they are returning the favour of abandonment. Only a few have found the strength to forgive.

ONE MIGHT SAY THE COLONIAL EXPERIENCE DAMAGED THE MAN

Dr. Hermione Mckenzie, sociologist and senior lecturer at the University of the West Indies, comments that the abuse of power by male parents has been related to patriarchal traditions which were strong in colonial and the immediate post-colonial world.

"The way in which the father's role was originally defined was very much to maintain emotional distance as a means of control. Emphasis was less on warm relations between children and their fathers, and more on fathers in the role of breadwinner. He was also punisher/disciplinarian and head of the family."

She added: "One might even say that the colonial experience damaged the man, he was in a very exploitative and controlling situation. His own personality might have been damaged by the experience. A generation ago we had a lot of emphasis on migration, which also meant that families were abandoned."

Dr. Eldemire looks at it another way. "I am not sure that a lot of it was neglect. They paid all the school fees but they were just incapable of showing affection. They were not allowed to, either. In our programmes, we sometimes had to literally tell a father that it was OK to hug a girl after a certain age.

"Strangely, some of these men who were bad fathers are performing excellently as grandparents. They are taking their grandchildren to Disney World and really enjoying themselves. It is as if, having been brought up in this world of restricted emotions, they have finally let go. In fact, a number of these men end up being cared for by their grandchildren."

Merle Anderson, isn't buying any of this, however. "Why are we so soft on men? We come up with all kinds of excuses for their terrible behaviour. We expect so little of them and they live down to our expectations."

Miss Anderson who has only met her father once since he left for England 41 years ago added: "Everybody knows that if you have a child and don't feed and care for it then you're leaving that child to suffer. Hello, post- or pre-colonial, it doesn't take a genius to know that."

She has vowed to break the cycle with her young son. "My father watched his father. My son isn't around that kind of negative influence. I'm also very affectionate with my son. He, in turn, is a very loving and giving child who is exposed to all sorts of people, culture and images.

"We talk about choices and consequences and by being the kind of person I am, I hope that he will see some kind of example. I am not pure and Christian-like but I try to be a good person with a good heart. They usually do what they see you do."

My father...

DENVER, 27 YEARS OLD

My father tried to give me away when I was younger. I did not grow up with him but he was never important enough to me for me to hate him.

Somebody can only hurt you if you are close to them. He had said to me when I was a child and when I was in my teens that I would grow up pushing a handcart. But I have lived above that and I have disappointed him in that respect.

I am something of a somebody. I have achieved something from life and he can't help but be proud of that. It started with me being head boy at school and I was pretty successful at my CXC examinations. My other successes too have served to let him down where his hopes were.

Consequently, he has had no choice but to be my friend -- initially for the purpose of showing off his 'bright and successful son' and them eventually to accept me for who I am not.

Now we have quite a friendly relationship. We exchange ideas. He is trying to be the father he never was and I indulge him. I am not really into it, but I let him do what he wants.

GLENFORD, 31 YEARS OLD

When others hurt us, many times it is because they themselves are hurting and don't know how else to deal with it. They therefore are in need of love, sympathy and forgiveness.

Difficult as it may seem, it is a fact that "it really doesn't matter all that much what happens to us; it's what happens IN us that counts".

Every adversity carries with it the seed of an equivalent or greater benefit.

I am learning that the negative experience associated with my relationship with my father provides me with an opportunity to exercise myself in disciplined love, forgiveness. It has taught me lessons about what I should look out for in any relationship with a son. It has helped me to better understand many people's struggle with similar circumstances. It has taught me the importance of expressing love to others, of trying to understand and accept other peoples' views and personalities, no matter who they are.

Carrying around hurt and anger about someone else can only hurt me. The sooner I let it go the better.

SHADE, 31 YEARS OLD

My father is the man who lives nowhere.

Today he may be staying with some woman who will keep him as long as he has money to give her. Next, he may be sleeping on the streets. I do not feel enough for him to care.

My father, as I knew him, was a brawling drunk who fathered me when he was 27 years old. I almost was not born, thanks to him. He kicked my mother in her belly enough times that she might've miscarried. Then when I was born with a large lump above my ear, he refused to pay for medical attention.

My mother's prayer saved me -- time and time again. I do not remember, but I heard that my older sister and I were thrown many times against the wall before we learnt to control our bowels and bladder.

My mother left him but then went back again to nights of drunken intimidation. The man loved no one. He hated himself.

All his life he wanted to die, threatening to hang himself again and again. He never had the courage, and compensated instead by telling his numerous offspring that they were nothing, would amount to nothing and rammed the message home with some big blows to the face and head.

Most of all, he was a master of mental torture, my father. When we were almost grown, together we found the courage to leave him.

Don't ask me where he is sleeping tonight. I do not know and I do not want to.

MERLE, 41 YEARS OLD

"Non-existent".

If one word could describe my relationship with my father that would be it.

He called me last week for the first time after more than 20 years. He must have gotten the number from my cousin. My father left Jamaica when I was one-year-old. I have no real memories of him. The second time I saw him, I was 17 and on a visit to London.

Now the old f... is sick. I feel nothing for him. As far as I'm concerned he is like any old man whose life is dripping away.

There were many times, growing up, when I wished that my mom was there. She left when I was two. My grandmother was absolutely fabulous. She was mother and father to me. I remember that woman walking the bars from downtown Kingston to Three Miles on Friday nights, selling lottery tickets so that I could go to school, taking all sorts of insults from drunken men. I doubt that my father would ever do anything like that for me.

My grandfather, I remember as a violent and angry man. His thing was to beat us up. I had a cousin who was so afraid of him that she would literally throw away her food when he called her. I can remember him boxing her so hard that she flew across the room.

For the longest time I was afraid of men.

SHARON, 33 YEARS OLD

My father has 11 children.

I think it was so worthless of him to lay about and have children like that. I do not know half of my family -- the half that has to do with him.

He provided, though only financially, and my mother would never say that he did not support me. When I passed my Common Entrance Examination, he bought out the bar and when I left high school, he bought out another bar. In college he was very proud of me and the school fees and pocket money came. But, we never did have a close relationship, he was a stranger. We never did sit down and have that father-daughter talk. I feel cheated. I never did forgive him. I think I deserved better. I think we deserved better.

He died 10 years ago but I still feel resentful.

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