Monday | July 30, 2001

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Tell Me Pastor - The crying game

Dear Pastor,

I am in my 20s and I am a nurse. When I was 14 I got involved with a guy and he got me pregnant. I did not know that he is my cousin. I had my child and went back to school. I took these things off my mind. I felt at times like I was going crazy.

I met a guy one year ago, and we got into a relationship. After a while I heard people saying that he is married. I asked him about it, and he told me it is not true. I said to myself it is because people don't want me to talk to him, so I continued until one day I was at work and I called his house to ask him to pick me up. A female voice answered the telephone. I said, may I speak to so and so. She asked who was speaking. I said to her, it is so and so, his girlfriend. She said I am his wife. She told me not to call back the house.

When I saw him and told him, he said maybe I dialed the wrong number. I accepted that. I always see him with a ring on his married finger. I asked him about it. He said it is a normal ring everybody wears. After a while I got to know his baby mother. I saw her pregnant with a wedding band on her finger. I didn't say anything to him. He took me to his home. I saw an album. I looked inside and I saw the wedding pictures and where they were exchanging rings and saying vows in front of the pastor. I went home and cried. I almost went crazy.

I know they are married now and they had two children before we met. He is still saying that he is not married. I do not know what to do.

Please tell me how to get over this man. I am still in a relationship with him and I love him. Do you think I will never get a husband when a married man and a cousin mess up my life?

Please pray for me. I am madly in love with him, but I know he is not for me. I just can't end the relationship.

Confused, Manchester

Dear Confused,

You wil not get over this man if you continue to accept his lies, and give him the impression that you believe every word he says. You are behaving as someone who is not intelligent. You should tell him that you have proof that he is married. You should not call him or accept his calls whenever he calls your number. You should not go out with him either.

You can end this relationship if you are willing to do so. The truth is, you are not willing to give him up. When you were young you got involved with your cousin, neither of you knew you were related to each other. But you do not have any excuse now for continuing with this man who is making a fool of you. It would take you a while to put your mistake behind you, but just as you have been able to deal with your past relationship with your cousin, you should be able to deal with this man.

I know it would be painful, but please call him and tell him that it is over. Be very careful at work. You do not want to lose your job or to kill any patient making tragic mistakes. Pray about this problem. God will still strengthen you to do what is right.


Hubby's a limp noodle

Dear Pastor,

I have been living with my husband for the past 12 years, but he is not interested in sex at all. Whenever he tries to have sex with me, I can see that he is forcing himself to do it. He works Monday to Friday and on the weekends he makes sure he gets out of bed early. I have to call him and tell him that I need him in bed. If I ask him to let us have a shower together, he makes excuses and says the shower is too small. Sometimes when he goes in the bed first, I would go in shortly after. Sometimes I would strip myself and start to lotion myself from top to bottom, thinking this would turn him on. Instead, he just looks at me and closes his eyes and goes to sleep.

Whenever I ask him why he comes in the bed and closes his eyes, he said that is what he came to bed for, to sleep. Sometimes when I go in the bed first, I would pull up my nightie so he would see my nakedness, but his remarks is "How you stay like that in the house?" I feel ashamed sometimes because he does not notice me at all.

We are living alone. No one is in our way. Sometimes I try to play with his penis, but in the process it just goes limp. At one time I tried on purpose not to make any move towards him, and he slept in the bed with me for nine months without even making any sexual advances towards me. I spoke to him about the situation and he said he masturbates at times. I found five of his underwear with sperm and other hard white stuff all on the back of them.

I think my husband is gay, but he got married to cover up. I took the initiative to get counselling for both of us. We started to have sex again, but now it is back to square one. Six months have passed and he has not made any movement towards me. I am tired of forcing this man to have sex with me. He does not see anything wrong because he never talks about it.

I came back from Jamaica in March this year and found more sperm on the back of his briefs. I spoke to him about it and he got very furious and asked me why am I searching his clothes. I honestly do not think he is masturbating. It is obvious he is having homosexual affair.

I finally got the guts to tell him to go and sleep in the living room. He is quite comfortable out there. My next move is to tell him to go. I am definitely fed up.

Please give me your advice. It has been like this from I sponsored him from Jamaica 12 years ago.

Fed Up, Toronto, Canada

Dear Fed Up,

It is obvious that this man is not interested in having sex with you. And although I cannot tell whether this man is gay, you are living with him and you are surely not a fool. You have a right to demand answers from him.

You have tried counselling and the man is not co-operating. You have to make up your own mind whether or not this relationship is healthy. I can only promise that I would remember you in my prayers.


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