By Merrick Andrews, Staff ReporterTHE 18 months sentence for the possession of cocaine was insignificant when compared to the life sentence to shame she thought she received.
Even months after she was freed, shame, a psychological demon, still kept her imprisoned. Marie Waite, 29, remembered locking herself inside her house for a week after her release.
"When I just came out I was afraid to come out of the house for days," Waite, a former travel agent says.
Waite is just one of thousands of people who for varying reasons end up in trouble with the law. And one of the main long-term after effects of this is usually shame.
On November 24,1999, just moments before boarding the plane at the Sangster International Airport in Montego Bay, Waite was held for cocaine possession by the airport's security.
They found about one kilogram of cocaine in a pair of shoes in Waite's suitcase. Later the same day, the police found more cocaine in the shoes on Waite's feet, while she was redressing in the jail's clothing.
Waite was destined for New York where she thought she could earn more money to cover her debts and domestic expenses which included an $8,000 mortgage per month, from the sale of the drug.
On December 13, 1999, Waite was sentenced to 18 months in the women's prison at Fort Augusta prison in St. Catherine, and fined $600,000.
"Oh my God, I felt so embarrassed! When I was going to the jail, someone called my boyfriend and he came and said 'what's happening here, didn't I just see you going off in the departure (section)?,'" she says.
Her boyfriend, Jason Holmesexplained how shocked he was to see her being escorted to jail.
"It was a friend who told me. 'He said something is wrong because he saw her in police custody and she was crying.' And that didn't even come close to mind of her being caught for any drugs. I rushed to the airport right away. When I went there I saw them escorting her to the airport."
"I stopped them and I asked what's the problem, what happened. She was crying, she couldn't talk to me. It was the female officer that turned to me and said that they held her with drugs. Up to this day I don't know how I dealt with it," says Holmes, 38, who works at a car rental firm.
Waite who has been to the US, England and other small Caribbean islands before, said she was planning to get married to her boyfriend when she got home in January, 2000. Waite recalled the moment when Holmes and her four-year-old son bid her farewell on her new endeavours in New York, that didn't materialise.
"'Mummy you going on the plane, you leaving me?' I said I soon come back it's just for a couple of days because when I travel I don't normally go away for long - like as much as three weeks," says Waite.
Waite was ashamed because no one expected her to do what she did. She was permanently employed for eight years at a Travel Agency and had a fiancé who supported her.
According to Waite, she had agonised over whether she should take the cocaine as she knew the consequences of being caught. However, a female friend convinced her that all would be well.
"I didn't want to go because I remember the day I got ready, I was like saying to myself, should I go or should I not go? I was pondering...until I finally made up my mind, and say OK, I'm going, I'm going. My girlfriend she left a day before me, she and some other girls," says Waite.
While in jail she learnt that the friend who lured her to shame, was caught at the New York airport and later sentenced to five years in prison. The girlfriend was caught a day before Waite's scheduled departure.
"It was just me, my mother had to depend on....I had to take care of her her home and my home. And I had all these pressures on my head; I was saying where I'm going to get all this money now ($100,000 mortgage deposit which she paid and the monthly payment of $8,000 along with other domestic bills). I didn't want to borrow any money because I will have to think about paying back and all that."
JOURNEY BACK FROM SHAME
Waite's journey back from shame started in prison where she embraced Christianity. But the overpowering feeling of guilt and shame for the first few months caused her to contemplate suicide.
"In the first couple of months I was very embarrassed and I was feeling so much guilt for putting my family through the hurt they were feeling. I felt like I couldn't survive this...I contemplated suicide at the time than going on. I couldn't face the fact that I was really going to prison and everyone would know about it," she says.
While she worried about her reputation and self-esteem, Waite says her stepson and son were doing terribly at school.
Her boyfriend, Holmes, tried to fill both roles as mother and father in her absence.
"I'm always encouraging them to do their homework, to do better. And while I wasn't here, their father was working like double time to make ends meet, to make sure everything was done."
Holmes experienced a nerve-wracking 16 months without Waite.
"It's hard," he says. "I went through a very hard time in my life for that 16 months. Sometimes I worked overtime. Even though I didn't have any food at home I would ensure that she got her food. I went through hell, it was as if I was there. You know when you care about someone...I'm overworked right now," he adds.
Holmes paid for Waite's mortgage and took care of his four-year-old stepson and 13-year-old son, while Waite served her time.
Waite, along with hundreds of other female prisoners at Fort Augusta, was occasionally visited and consulted by Christian missionaries who encouraged them to seek God through baptism.
"While she was talking, what I found myself doing was drawing to the Chaplin....I would find myself listening and I would start to pray, pray and pray and ask God for forgiveness, then I started to read my bible. And reading really helped me through it. I was always reading and when I got out I had to go to the optician because my eyes were very bad," she noted.
Waite eventually baptised in prison in January, 2001 just over three months prior her release on April 11, 2001. Waite says she was baptised at age 15, but "turned back" because of constant partying with the wrong friends.
OUT OF PRISON
Waite served only 16 months of her 18 months prison sentence and according to her, many people expected "the worst" when she came out of prison.
"One of my son's teachers who knew me before it happened ... she saw me, she said 'oh my God you look so good'. Everyone expected the worst, they thought I would come out looking ugly and thin," says Waite.
Gaining more weight, exercising to keep her body in shape, and having a different outlook on life, was the result of a new and probably better looking Marie Waite.
"As a matter of fact I have put on weight. I'm at 150 lbs where I've never been in my life," she says laughing. I'm trying to lose weight, everyone is saying you look like you've been in the States, your face is so 'fresh'," she notes.
She says her family's support was also instrumental in her journey back from shame.
"My family and my friends came to me and said, 'look here, don't be afraid to walk on the road because you haven't done worse than what some people have done. You made a mistake, you didn't rob anybody, you didn't kill anybody, just hold up your head and just face everyone,'" she says.
With that advice, Waite has been wrestling her shamed guilt with much success. She says she is not afraid to go outdoors anymore. The advice pumped a new zeal in her body, to start anew and rebuild her destroyed career and reputation. Her boyfriend's love and faith in her has also helped to make her battle a bit easier.
"Love can be good and it can be bad. She's the person I love. People were saying that if she loved me she would have never gone and done that or she had someone else. But I tell you something ... I don't just jump to what people say," Holmes states passionately.
GETTING BACK ON TRACK
Despite consistently job-hunting, Waite is still without a job. She however keeps herself busy by writing at least five letters per day (most times three pages per letter to prisoners at Fort Augusta) and hunting for jobs almost daily.
"Normally when I get up in the morning I look after my son, get him ready for school, look about breakfast. And when they've gone to school I tidy up the place, do a lot of house work, do the laundry, watch tv, listen to music, exercise and write letters," says Waite, outlining her daily routine.
Holmes is recommending that Waite seek counselling. He doesn't believe she has recovered fully from her experience.
"She was OK up to three months ago. I think she needs a counsellor, that's my idea...and talk to someone like a family pastor or somebody like that who she can talk to because I guess she's still affected by what happened to her," says Holmes who is seeking a better job.
Of her time spent at Fort Augusta Waite notes: "Because I know that I've changed my life and I have learnt from my mistakes. All that I have been through has made me stronger and much wiser about life and about people," she says.
Not their real name
Steps to bounce back from shame
Steps from psychologist, Dr. Leahcim Semaj:
First, and most importantly, the person has to confront the situation that caused the shame because this will be the main, or probably the only way to get over it.
Start a growth plan, for example getting a job. Consider these questions: What was it that contributed to the shameful situation or for example caused you to go to prison? What are you going to do about that? Try a growth plan so that you won't end up in the same situation again.
Confide in those closest to you - whether you make the shameful situation public or whether you do it with your significant others or friends, it will put you in a position to help you. It will signal to others that you need help.
Change the environment or the circumstances around you: Do this by moving to a new location. Start afresh. Change your face (how you look at things), change the pace at which you were going you have to change you.
Dr. Gwendolyn Goldsby Grant in the September 1999 issue of Essence magazine wrote:
"We have all experienced shame and embarrassment at some point in our lives. Whether you got caught stealing candy as a 12-year-old or have been abused as an adult, you should know that no matter how far you fall, how humiliating and public your disgrace, you can get back up again."
