Catching my arch

Tony Deyal

WINDOWS ARE a pane in the glass. I don't mean Microsoft Windows which have been a pain in the past. The new operating system, Microsoft XP, is supposed to change that by virtually eliminating the continual crashes that characterise today's personal computers. This makes it a paean to the mass. I also don't mean Trinidad politics where many of his former colleagues are now a pain to the Bas, or the orgiastic (or is it orgasmic?) behaviour of some ladies at Carnival. This is a stain on the mas.

I am not even thinking about the rising energy prices, which are a gain to the gas, or the blows delivered to my nether regions by one of my teachers which were a cane in the class. I refer to windows, the opening and not the operating systems. Like all other operating systems, there is a catch. However, there is no cache as in Microsoft. There is cash, and lots of it, since your plain basic window in Trinidad costs approximately TT$1,000 (US$165) and you have to wait several days to have it made, and in some cases, many more days for delivery.

The ones to which I allude are macro-hard as compared with micro-soft. They even defy the dictionary definition of the word window which is a light framework, made of timber, metal, or plastic, that contains glass or glazed opening frames and is placed in a wall or roof to let in light or air or to see through. These were not light. Nor was my task. The fact is that after many years of living in other peoples houses, I have ended up with one of my own. I call it my court-house because of the process through which it was acquired. But that is another story, one still unfolding.

Back to Windows 2001. Like the tyres advertised as having previous road experience, like vehicles described as being pre-owned, like goods described as scratch and dent, shop-soiled or second hand, my house is all of these and more. It lacked windows in some crucial areas and, like Microsoft's, those that were there were in constant danger of crashing.

My wife, ever conscious of the dictionary definition, stressed that a home without windows would be like Bill Gates without an anti-trust suit and decreed that it was mandatory for us to acquire the appropriate paraphernalia, to wit, a light framework made of timber etc. For your information, metal is less expensive overall than timber in Trinidad. My ancient memories of jalousies and long wooden windows or shutters held up by broomsticks are ancient history, as anachronistic as the ice-shaver that helped us to make press, now replaced by machines that make snow-cones.

Wooden windows with square panes of plain or frosted glass with little nails on the inside and whitey-yellow oily putty, cracked like Jimmy Carter's face on the outside, are no longer an option. All the carpenters, joiners and other workers in wood are now cupboard men, specialising in cabinets, dividers, wardrobes and other high-cost items, or have switched to more lucrative lines of endeavour like plumbing or masonry. They prefer to tile and tile each day.

You have to get the windows, made of metal or plastic, ready made. They come with burglar-proofing or burglar-bars attached as one package. You have to pay to install them, and then pay someone to put in the glass. This entails hiring a mason and an assistant for a total of at least $220 (US$37) per day to install the windows, a process requiring damaging or destroying, and then rebuilding or reconstructing, your walls. It is a noisy, dusty and costly process.

The windows and walls need to be repainted. The more complicated the window, the more you pay through the glass. Clearly a case of making a complete mesh of things. French windows are in. However, not just any French window will do. Louvres, although French in origin and named after the famous French museum, the Louvre, are now passe. The piece de resistance of the window business is the arch. French windows have arches as French castles in the ancient days had archers in the arched windows their bows arched to shoot their arch-enemies the English.

Arches are not archaic in Trinidad. Perhaps it is merely an archaeological response. It might be the presence of the new Catholic Archbishop. Maybe there is someone in the celestial regions who wants to make sure that as a pure geometrical and architectural form, the arch achieves everlasting life, some kind of archangel. Maybe there is someone in the window and media business who wants us to buy the extra adornment, some sort of able arch-villain. Whatever the reason, we are now inclined towards the arch. It has become our natural bent. Each window must have an arch, for that has become the style in Trinidad and Tobago today.

French windows have become the archetype for the haute monde. So, given that we were now householders, we had to have arched windows, as my wife said, archly. I finally found a place that manufactured the windows, had them available with no waiting period, provided that I arrange my own transport. Instead of cursing my luck, I behaved like Archimedes and almost let out a loud Eureka! Archimedes is credited with the invention of a screw named after him, possibly as a component of the windows I bought. But that, too, is another story.

I went to the factory and met with a sales representative who explained to me the various configurations, permutations, sizes and options for windows. We wanted the window and the arch to be within the overall four feet that seems to be the standard for windows. The salesperson was firm. Arches were added to the top of the window. Eventually I got what I wanted. Now, proudly ensconced on the walls of my home, they spread the gospel throughout my archdiocese. Anyone who begrudges me my fine windows may kiss my arch.

Tony Deyal was last seen saying that Bill Gates is getting a divorce because his wife doesn't do windows. In any case, while Gates might know about computers, he would not be able to tell his arch from his elbow, or his window from a hole-in-the-wall.

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