Dear Rev.,
A pleasant good day to you. I need your advice on this important matter.
I am 31 years old and very confused at the moment. I have a son for this man who is 41 years old and he has been very awful to me. Here is the story:
He left me when I was 9 months pregnant for this lady who has a car and a house and who was in a good paying job. He was not working at the time. He got married to her two months after the baby was born. I was devastated and I thought that I was going to die. I went and got counselling several times and I still did not leave him we still continued to see each other. He told me that he did not love the lady and they could not get along because she was very miserable and he just could not take it.
He goes away every six months or so to work in America. He keeps on telling me that he still loves me and he wants to grow his son. He calls me sometimes three and four times per day. They were living in Mandeville at the time and she was really angry about the telephone bills. Although I tell him not to call me he still does. Finally, he got a job in Kingston and they broke up about three months ago. He was hurt and he tried to get back with her but she insisted on not going back to him. She was seeing a married man and now she is gone back to him ( he said).
He wanted us to go and live together and I told him that I am not going to live with a married man. I was a Christian and I really wanted to go back to church because I know that I really need God and what I did was wrong.
Although this lady knows about my baby she still went and got married to him. She is the one who married him because he did not have any money to marry her. (I am not justifying what I did, please understand). Because I refused to live with him he started seeing this other girl and they are almost living together. He keeps telling me that it is my fault because I am not cooking for him or washing for him and he is working almost seven days per week. I did not know about this girl and one night when he was at my house she called and was very upset. I honestly don't know what to do because he still wants us to get back together. According to him he wants to raise his son.
I think that this guy is a joker and I really do not want to go back to him but I keep thinking about my son. Please tell me what do. I promise myself not live with a man unless I am married to him.
Answer me as soon as possible.
Paula
Dear friend:
It would seem to me that deep down you already know what you want.
I believe you are wasting your time with this man. He has been disrespectful to you time and time again, yet you still hope to be with him. Firstly, he disrespected you by getting married to another woman while you were pregnant with his child, and this he knew. Secondly, he was disrespectful to both you and his wife by trying to have an affair with you while he was still married. Thirdly, he only came back to you after he tried to get back his wife and failed, after she dumped him. Additionally, he was along with yet another woman after recommitting to you.
It would seem to me that this man does not intend to be faithful to any woman, but is an opportunist who will go where the goods are. Do not let him send you on a guilt trip. You are not the one to be blamed, he is the one who has been unfaithful and disrespectful. You need to love yourself and your child more than you love this man, or he is going to destroy your life.
You do not have to be with him to get him to support his child. You can go through the Family Court, and they will ensure that he supports his child, even if it is through salary deductions. If you are not sure how to proceed, drop me a line and I will assist you with some contacts. As for church, that is a good idea. Go back to church and your God. You are going to be in need of counselling and support to help you get over and move on from this man. Maybe your pastor will be able to do that, or if not, able to recommend a good counsellor for you.
What you seem to have is dependency syndrome where this man is concerned, and you will need professional help to detach yourself from that. You do not need this man. Do yourself and your son a favour and move on with help. You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you.
Rev.
Dear Rev.,
I am a 29-year-old married woman, mother of four children and 3 stepchildren. I used to reside in Clarendon with my husband. My husband and I have been going through a lot of problems lately. Since our move to Jamaica, we've experienced a great hardship in finances and in dishonesty.
We encountered problems after a young lady (that lived behind us practically in the same yard) began to spread gossip about my husband. She said that my husband "loved her off" and on a beach trip my husband and her supposedly had an intimate encounter. I didn't discover this until March, after I returned home from my step-father's funeral. I asked both of them was it true and they both denied it. My husband was furious and he got upset when the rumours continued to circulate.
I asked my husband in front of everyone and he said he never touched the girl or talked to her privately.
I let the matter go and continued to pray on it. He demonstrated no weird behaviour he continued as the loving and honest husband and father.
Shortly after I left to go abroad to work. During the course of my absence, I phoned home one night and there was no answer at the home or his cellular phone. I called the neighbours the next morning and they told me my husband left the kids all night by themselves it was after noon at that point. I became upset and had to leave work. I assumed he was hurt or even killed. He had been stabbed and robbed a month before I left for abroad, and I did my duty as a wife and took very good care of him nursing, loving, and supporting him. I even bathed him, fed him, anything you think of, I did it. I nursed him back to good health with the support of GOD. He made it through. So that is why I assumed something had happened. Moments later, I was able to reach him on his cellular and he told me something was wrong with the phone. He denied being gone all night. I accused him of being with a woman and somehow my instincts was right, even though it passed by me after he told me he had come in late at night and the kids were in bed, and he arose early to go with his friend to town.
Later the next month or so, I returned home and he had moved out of the old community (it was a mutual decision). His best friend came by to greet me and his friend's wife came along also. She had been trying to contact me for a long time and was unsuccessful. She said she was concerned because my husband had left the kids alone and been acting crazy lately. She also told me she saw a pair of black slippers in my bedroom and asked the children who did they belong to, they said they didn't know. In fact they did know. But lied under Daddy's instructions. Immediately I became upset and started an argument with him. I became violent and uncontrollable. I began to feel labour pains and calmed down. He didn't deny the accusations after he felt he was trapped. He claimed to have cheated only because he was suspicious that I cheated on him two years ago while he was away in prison. I didn't deny the accusation, but I told the truth. I told him his friend gave me a car in exchange for a friendship that of a "mule" character. I agreed and did it a few times and was reimbursed for the transactions. He was irate, but he was aware at that time, that I had been into a few things to make ends meet due to his absence. He couldn't say much because he put us in a bad situation. Nevertheless, we both cheated on each other.
For I had discontinued the relationship with his friend months before my husband was released from prison.
I was the only one working during this recent ordeal and paying bills while he and his friends and mistress lived at our home among our children. They demonstrated foul behaviour around them and neglected them. The children were traumatised behind this the fussing and fighting and neglect... When I returned home in August, I was hit with a lot this time. He told me she stayed there and all kind of stuff. He left her alone then and tried to make an effort to make things work out. We sought counselling and things were fine! Until he invited one of his baby mothers (from abroad) to his cousin's house in order to see his other daughter. I found out when I pulled up to the cousin gate and saw the both of them standing out under the mango tree. I became irate and began an argument. My water broke, he pushed me down, I spit in his face and pushed her. She had recently assaulted me abroad because I caught her stealing his pictures out of my room at his mom's house. So we had been on bad terms.
He left with her and the child, upon his departure he told me he didn't care if I died he was waving his hand and pushing me saying "die, die, I don't care".
It was a horrible scene people were watching and talking. I eventually left and went home to the children to discover that he had taken off with the oldest child and took his belongings. I didn't go to the hospital immediately, because I had nobody to sit with the children (ages 6, 7, 8). There was no food in the house, rent hadn't been paid, and utilities weren't paid either. His family wouldn't help me; they wouldn't even give me a dollar to feed my children. He ran to his family and filled them up with his lies and his version on what had occurred. Of course, his baby mother told her side also!
I still hadn't seen a doctor. I brushed of the pains and continued on with my daily chores. His best friend came over and found out what had occurred. He bought food and took me to the hospital. He went to look for my husband to let him know that I was in the hospital. But to no avail, my husband refused to come check for the kids or me.
I was readmitted to the hospital after I fainted and was found by his friend and neighbour. I underwent surgery twice and lost tremendous amounts of blood, the baby had died. He didn't visit me in the hospital not one time, I had no money or food. That alone, no clothing! I begged and borrowed sanitary products from other patients. The staff thought I was a street person! I was humiliated and embarrassed. No one from his family nor mine helped.
After being discharged from the hospital, I went to the embassy and they helped me and the children get back. I still hadn't seen my eldest daughter, after I made numerous attempts to find out his whereabouts from his relatives, I turned up empty-handed. So I contacted the authorities and out of nowhere he sent our travel documents and my airline ticket, but still no child. When I arrived in the States, I found out that she had been there for over a week with his Mother who told me she wasn't there and she hadn't heard from them.
God Bless,
Your Sister in Christ
Dear friend:
There are several things happening in your marriage which need immediate attention. Let me tell you from the beginning that there is not much I can do to help via this medium. I would suggest that you both need to see a marriage counsellor.
It seems to me that both you and your husband have some major unresolved issues in your past and present lives. These issues seem to be very difficult to handle, and you are both hurting as a result of same. Have you and your husband ever sat and spoken about the various issues within the marriage? What seems to be one of the things killing this marriage is the level of dishonesty that exists therein. Do you love your husband? Do you want to save your marriage? Does he want to save the marriage? If your answer is yes, then you will need to act immediately.
Both you and your husband need to sit and talk about your hurts and disappointments with the marriage. I would suggest that you not do this alone, but in the presence of a trained marriage counsellor, and not just any counsellor. If you do not know a good marriage counsellor, let me know and I will give the contacts of a few good ones I know. You will have to pay for the services; however, if you want to save your marriage, I suggest you do this, both of you.
Additionally, I would suggest you get counselling for your children also. No doubt they have been hearing the rumours and observing the tension between you and your husband. I will be honest and say it will be a difficult road, but also a possible one if you are determined enough.
All is not lost my friend, but you must act immediately.
Rev.
You may write Rev. Stephen-Claude Hyatt c/o The Gleaner Company 7 North Street Kingston, or email him at letstalklife@hotmail.com.
