By Lovern Hayes, Staff Reporter
FOR SEVEN glorious years Natalyaand husband Brianlived in holy matrimony. Then, the unthinkable happened. Natalya, a flight attendant, dared to come home early from a flight to Dominica and stumbled upon her husband and another woman making love on the dining table.
She was so stunned she couldn't move a muscle. Then came the numbness.
"I felt devastated but I couldn't even cry. I was just so shocked. Then I got angry. I just grabbed the nearest thing to my hand, which turned out to be a vase, and flung it at them," she says.
After the initial shock, the couple sought counselling and decided to give their marriage a try. But that truce never lasted.
"I tried to forgive him, but every time we became intimate, I envisioned him doing the same things to her, and it drove me to the point where I couldn't let him touch me. I kept throwing it in his face and eventually, the cons of staying married outweighed the pros and we went our separate ways," she says.
This is a decision that many men and women make when they discover that their partner has cheated. Many relationships cannot and do not survive the anger. The broken trust. The searing pain. The lies.
What is it about infidelity that just rocks our world? Why does it hurt so bad? Marriage counsellor Phyllis Headlam believes that dealing with infidelity is akin to dealing with a great loss.
"The cold, hard truth is that grief is devastating. Finding out about this betrayal is like a shock to one's self, one's personal schema. You feel deceived and rejected and react with a mixture of anger, misery and hate. The betrayed feel as if they will never be able to trust or love sincerely again. Sometimes they do not even want to," she tells Flair.
Many women delude themselves into thinking that it cannot happen to them and as such become complacent in their relationship and are traumatised when it happens to them. They listen to stories about how other women discovered that their husbands or boyfriends were cheating/cheated on them, but even as they nod their heads in agreement and echo the sentiment that ALL men are beasts, they somehow believe that THEIR man is different, that their love is too strong for him to cheat, and that HE will remain faithful. They always consider that the issue of infidelity is something that happens to other women, and can even point out mistakes in those women who prompt their boyfriends or husbands to seek solace elsewhere. But what happens when it comes home to you?
Have YOU ever cheated on your significant other?
What do you consider cheating anyway? Is it a kiss, having sex, or could it be something as simple as confiding in someone about issues of a personal nature?
Is cheating about sexual gratification or about problems within a relationship?
Where does one draw the line when it comes to infidelity?
Cheating is open to interpretation. Everyone will define it differently. But, remember the adage "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you?" My friend Ericwas boasting that his girlfriend has been abroad studying for the past eighteen months and he has never cheated on her. "Really??!!" I ask incredulously, to which he replies, "Of course not...oral sex doesn't count."
Smiling devilishly, I countered with, "Oh really now? I guess it's okay for her to do it too then." What do you think he thought?
You can 'lay down the law' and warn a potential partner that cheating will not be tolerated, but Mrs. Headlam believes that while this is brave, it is often futile since, when actually faced with the situation, you may be so petrified that you are unable to execute your plan.
A BITTER PILL TO SWALLOW
Some women try to insulate themselves from the pain of infidelity by telling themselves that men 'cannot be trusted', 'all men cheat'..., however, when it really happens, the truth remains a bitter pill to swallow. This defence mechanism is therefore only a false sense of security. Karenfooled herself into thinking that she could deal with it if it happened... she expected the worst. After all they are men, she said.
However, Karen never bargained for the 'head-over-heels-I'll-die-for-you love' she would feel for Chris. She met Chris three and a half years ago while at a party at the Asylum Night Club. They hit it off and got to know each other. At the time she was sceptical about long-term relationships but after eighteen months of 'courting', she realised that she was falling. HARD.
"I fell in love with Chris and I didn't even know. All I knew was that I couldn't stop thinking about him and I was prepared to do anything to make him happy," she says.
Soon after, Karen and Chris rented an apartment together and she was caught up in the euphoria of 'almost-wedded' bliss. This enraptured state lasted all of eleven months before everything started to unravel.
"Chris started coming in later than usual. He always used to be open with me, but then he started hiding things. He would get a phone call and I could hear nothing after, 'Hello'. It wasn't like I was trying to eavesdrop, it was just that he lowered his voice considerably. And, he found a reason to be away from the house at every opportunity," she recalls.
Karen later found out that Chris was seeing one of his female colleagues. When she confronted him, he denied it, but months later at a company party she found him in the arms of the same woman he was rumoured to be having a relationship with.
"When we left the party, I asked him about her again and he denied it, again. Three weeks later, he came home late one night and said that he found someone else. It turned out to be that girl from his office," she says.
It seemed that nothing could stem the steady flow of tears from Karen's eyes. She was dealt a heavy blow and responded the only way she knew how. "I felt so alone. I cried and cried. For days I couldn't eat. I went to work but I wasn't really there. It was like a shell of myself. I would sit at my computer and remember the good times that we had and cry. I felt like dying. I was so torn apart inside," she remembers sombrely.
Since then, Karen has been hesitant to start another relationship. "It's not that I have given up on love, it's just that I am not eager to be hurt that way again. It's been 13 months since he left me and sometimes I still ache with the memories I have of us together," she says.
Mrs. Headlam believes that this pining away for a lost love is understandable but is just the tip of the iceberg. "After being hurt by a partner who has been unfaithful, some people generally hold back a part of themselves when they enter other relationships. This is usually a self-preserving measure they don't want to be hurt again. You know, once bitten twice shy. Women especially, after having been cheated on, are very wary of how much trust they put in a man," she says.
THE 'OTHER' WOMAN
Kymone, a 26-year-old receptionist does not trust men as far as she could throw her shoe. She has never been married, but has been the 'other woman' on more than one occasion.
"In all the relationships where I was the other woman, I was treated like a princess and given the best of everything. In one case, the poor guy was so starved of sex from his wife that he wanted to do it every minute we were together. In another situation, the man's wife was a perpetual nag and he couldn't stand it. I just gave them what they needed. I was their comforter," she says with a satisfied smile.
How did she feel knowing the pain she was subjecting these wives and girlfriends to? "Well, I don't think I was doing anything wrong, after all I wasn't in a committed relationship with these women, these men were. I wasn't cheating, they were. Besides, if these women can't satisfy their men, I'm ready and willing to do it for them," she says.
Does Kymone see herself getting married? "Hell no! You actually think that I would get married in this day and age? The probability of a couple remaining faithful in a marriage is about 20 per cent, if not less. No matter how hard we try, we'll always be put back in the 'used car lot' when the newer models come out. Men are born to cheat. Marriage is definitely not for me!" she says vehemently.
WOMEN DO IT TOO
While men have the unfair stigma of being prone to cheating and have been branded dogs, women are now cheating as much as men. Still, Mrs. Headlam doesn't think this is a solution to the age-old problem of infidelity, but it is a reality. Women are hitting back. Often, reasons for cheating include the irresistible temptation, better economic standards, involvement in the workplace and a mindset that says 'life is short' or 'I just want to have some fun'.
Dre, a 24-year-old supervisor, was in a relationship with 19-year-old Simonefor a little over two years. They were both recovering from recent 'failed romances' and sought solace in each other. They vowed to make the relationship work. However, in the first year of their romance, Simone cheated on him. Dre remembers how he discovered the truth about her deception.
"It was Christmas time and we were sitting together talking, and I asked her if there was anything that happened or disturbed her and she wanted to get off her chest," he says.
Having laid the foundation for their 'no-holds-barred' conversation, where they would thrash out issues about their relationship, Dre was totally unprepared for what came next. "She hesitated for a bit, and then she just blurted out that there was a guy with whom she had a two-week relationship earlier in the year. I was devastated, to say the least. Shocked and devastated. Not so much by the fact that my 'love' had been unfaithful, but because she dared do that to ME," he reveals.
Dre's first instinct was to end the relationship, but he decided to forgive Simone that transgression and work at making things work between them.
"Simone and I were trying to build a relationship and make it work, learning from our mistakes etcetera, hoping that this one would erase the pain and hurt of our previously failed relationships. What we soon realised though, is that we needed to sort out ourselves first before trying to build a relationship with each other," Dre tells Flair.
When it comes to infidelity men see it as okay for them to cheat on their wives, fiancees and girlfriends, but the reverse is completely unacceptable.
"The man's ego can NOT accept that his woman has cheated on him. They expect women to understand their roving eyes, but will not tolerate it in women. Even a stranger directing their attention towards a man's wife is cause for a heated argument, but men can do it all the time," Mrs. Headlam points out.
Still, she points out that some persons process the hurt and betrayal and are able to get over it and move on. But, it all depends on their constitution. "Women are affected by infidelity more so than men. If a woman cheats on a man, he simply leaves her and gets another, but women tend to feel more of an emotional let-down that shatters their core," she explains.
She advises that the betrayed person seek out a relationship counsellor or social support group. Also it will be helpful to surround one's self with family and friends to take one's mind off the hurt. Some couples opt to end their relationship, others prefer to forgive and forget, but is it really possible to forgive and forget?
Mrs. Headlam thinks it is very possible, but not at all easy. It's up to you to decide whether you want to continue the relationship or not. If you think there is a chance that you can forgive them, it's important to find out why they were unfaithful in the first place. You will both have to be prepared to make some changes if things are going to work out.
"It is very hard to forget the lies, the pain and the embarrassment caused to you. But, over time and depending on strength of the relationship you may come to overcome this hurdle," she says.
There are other factors that directly inform the healing process such as level of spirituality, personality, pain threshold and level of education. She also identified a difference in types of infidelity which she believes must also be considered in the healing process.
"It may have been a one-time slip-up which is forgivable. He or she may have made a mistake. If, however, this person wasn't a loving partner and never treated you well and cheated habitually, then you may find it easier to pack up and move on," she says.
What else can you do to get over the hurt?
Allow yourself to feel the hurt and grieve.
Do not, however, dwell in the past, sighing about how wonderful things used to be. Obviously, matters were not perfect, or no cheating would have taken place!
Acknowledge both the good and bad aspects of the relationship and your contribution to each.
Names changed on request.
