- Carlington Wilmot
Mervin Howard manages a smile as he remembers his wife, Dotty.
Nashauna Drummond and Daviot Kelly, Staff Reporters
HER PALMS began to sweat as she realised that momentarily her status in life would change forever as the pastor said, "until death do you part?" Far away she heard his voice echoing hers, "I do" and they both meant every word of it. The year was 1957, and Doreen and James Stephensonwere true to their words nothing but death could and did separate them.
Twenty years after her life with her spouse began, it ended when her husband suddenly became ill. After spending four months in the hospital, he died. "It was never pleasant, it wasn't a nice feeling: it's like I was left in the wilderness," said Doreen. "I can't even explain...," she continues but her voice trails off as she recalls happier days. When they were one. "Every step that I took I relied on him," she confessed. "He used to be my 'backative'," she added. "Had it not been for the children I would have been totally lost, that's the truth," she explained. In the 20 years that they were married they raised seven children and she said she had to be strong for her children. For Doreen her children were her reason for going on. If it was not for her children she would have left the community in St. Mary.
Melvin Howard, now 70 years old, was a little more prepared for the death of his wife, Dotty: she had cancer. It still hurt tremendously because though she was diagnosed with the disease and had to receive treatment intermittently, she was still working and living her life.
He recalls the last time she went into the hospital; it was a Sunday evening and she was having one of her relapses. "We decided that we really have to go back there (the hospital)." She was down at emergency and at about 12:30 p.m., they put her on the ward. At about 1:30 a.m., he went home to get her things to return in the morning. "So I told her that I would come back early in the morning to see her. At about 6:00 a.m. the University Hospital called and told me to come up because there was an emergency but I knew what it was." He expected her treatment would have been like the other times; she would be treated and sent home. Despite all the 'preparations', her death was still sudden.
He remembers clearly the first day that they ever spoke to each other. Mervin, who is from Port of Spain, Trinidad, came to Jamaica to attend teachers' college. While at Moneague Teachers' College he met Dotty. It wasn't love at first sight, but after an initial meeting while studying mathematics, they began talking more and more. Within a year they were married.
Clinical psychologist, Dr. Ruth Doorbar, says it is more difficult for men to seek counselling because there is still a stigma that men are to be independent. Seeking emotional and spiritual advice, would appear as a sign of weakness they have to be 'macho'.
"This is a life-long problem with men," she said. "But they need to get over this because we all need each other," she continues. The level of family support should not be overstated. Dr. Doorbar feels that the healing process is greatly assisted by the support of family and good friends especially if those friends are the same age. This, she explains, will help them in fighting depression, which may lead some to suicide.
"This (suicide) is a risk, especially if they feel that they will never find another partner or if they feel they have no friends."
Mr. Howard can attest to having a strong support system. He received emotional assistance from all corners his daughters primarily, teachers at Holy Childhood High (where he was teaching at the time) and his church. He also found that talking to other widowers helped to reassure him that he could make it.
Mr. Howard explains that for the first year it was "extremely tough", he even became ill as a result of grieving.
Doreen said she could not even pass James' grave: "I missed him," she said simply. She explained that she got through by praying and fasting. She became a Christian when she was 17 and she had met her husband in the church. She tells Outlook how her life changed after he died. She said she was very lonely except for her children. "Had it not been for the children I would have been totally lost. That's the truth," she emphasised. Had it not been for the children she probably would have eventually left the community and continued with her life. She said she lived for her children and the Lord kept her through it. "My main source is just the grace of God. Looking back on it I wonder how I did it, but I did. Many times I wonder how I pulled through it. I wonder, because it was never easy." Dr. Doorbar said for widowers it's more difficult to reach out for help as they need that companionship and support.
As both Mr. Howard and Ms. Stephenson have demonstrated, the church is one of those places that persons turn to for comfort. Reverend Devon Dick of Boulevard Baptist Church makes the visiting of widows and widowers a priority. "The death of a spouse is considered the most stressful event in a person's life and we recognise this." Therefore, those left behind are paid special attention. Apart from visits as the pastor and a leader in the church, the church members pay their own visits. They even have worship services for some and the attendance at the funerals is always large.
After the funeral, the healing process is continued by follow up visits and in some cases, through activities like group therapy. "We help them to deal with the loss, organise their lives. We help them to live with it, prepare them for the ups and downs." There are the few persons who are harder to console than others. He gave the example of one church member who, even after 4 years since the death of his wife, breaks into tears at the mention of her name.
Moving on
How does one move on from the death of a spouse? Some may say that you never do. Yet, there are those that remarry soon after. Does this mean that they don't miss their significant other? Dr. Doorbar attests that this is not the case. She is of the opinion that, especially in the case of men, if the marriage was a good one, in which there was much love and, "...especially if it was wonderful, useful and comfortable"; men are more likely to remarry because they desperately want to regain that companionship. For those that do remarry, sometimes the new wife bears many similarities with the former, including little things like her hair and her very skin colour. "It would have been harder for me to move on if my second husband was like my first," said Doreen.
Mr. Howard is faced with some uncertainty right now. One of his daughters lives in the addition to his home in Gregory Park. She lives with her husband and two children and Mr. Howard is fully aware that having her there was a tremendous help to him, especially in the first two years. But she and her family will be moving, possibly as early as next year. When this happens, he is not sure how he will react. "I'm kind of preparing myself for it." He does not think he will go through a depressed state again as he did when his wife just died but he is not ruling out the possibility of it happening. "If it does I might even get more involved in my work to keep me occupied."
Doreen did remarry five years after James died. "I said I would never. I told everyone that I would never, never get married again because I didn't want to go through that pain again, I couldn't get my first love out of my mind," said Doreen. "But it was the will of the Lord," she attests. With a pleasant smile she added that her second husband fits in perfectly and it was the will of the Lord her children were grown and she would have been left on her own. Today Mr. Howard spends most of his time visiting shut-ins in his capacity as an extraordinary minister of the Eucharist. Though he still misses her dearly, he feels that in a way, his wife's death has helped him. "She (Dotty) was always the more outgoing one. So, in a way, it (her death) kind of forced me to open up more." When asked about the possibility of remarriage, Mr. Howard is not interested. "I have thought about it... but I would feel as if I were cheating on Dotty...betraying the love." Some cannot even speak about it much less remarry. It was related to Outlook the case of a widower who after four years, still breaks into tears at the mention of his wife's name. Another widower, when approached by the magazine, vehemently but politely refused to speak with us as it would have been too painful to discuss. So vulnerable is the heart to being hurt that the mere memory seems to cause irreparable damage.
Losing the one you love is never easy, but death is impartial and inevitable. Doreen advises young couples to first seek the Lord. You have to rely on the Lord because there is no way a household can survive without him. Agree to disagree. Finally, even though she notes that this may not be good advice, she recommends that when two people are involved they should not love to the extent that she did because when one dies it hurts too much. Now that her children are grown she still spends as much time as she can with them. Every Friday she comes up to be with her children.
"I enjoy being married after everything. When I go home I look forward to someone in the house, if I was not married I would go home to an empty house. If you're going to get married don't do it for what he has, marry for love. Love will always bring you through. I thought getting married at that middle age it would serve a purpose but it does. In 20 years it does, now that I can look back."
For those who are not married, engaged or even involved with someone, it is difficult to truly understand what a widow or widower goes through. The years of dedication to one person, the happy, countless memories, cannot be easily forgotten.
Names changed on request
