Claude Mills, Staff Reporter
Me and mi baby madda lef but we slam still - Mr. Lex
LET ME tell you a little thing about exes. They're dangerous. They're the X factor in your day. They exasperate, extort, excruciate, and have been known to use expletives at times when you try to excommunicate them. And of course, exes only see things from an ex parte perspective. And the outlandish way they behave, you might feel that some of them are extra-terrestrials.
Some of you might even agree that they should be 'xed' out because as far as relationships go, there is hardly ever any such thing as a mutual break up. Even if your relationship was toxic, chances are that the passion and sexual chemistry between the two of you still exists (unless lack of attraction was the reason for your break up), and there are always unresolved feelings floating around with any girl with whom there is knowledge of where her tan lines stop. And that's when things get antsy.
Life, after all, is not like a Barry I Write the Songs Manilow song. Sometimes it just plain sucks.
I remember having a particularly acrimonious break up with an ex. Our relationship had been labouring along like a car with sand thrown into the transmission. She has the ego of a man, the body of a woman, and she drove me crazy like some poor sucker in some witless teenage song. We argued a lot. Then one day, after a sweaty romp at her place, she told me, "It's over Millsy, I don't even want to hear rumours about you anymore."
"But," I protested weakly, "we just made love."
"Yeah. That was severance sex. Remember to close the door on your way out."
"Goodbye sex? Severance sex?" I asked.
"Yeah, but without the two weeks notice."
Well, at least she was original.
But it is hard for you to forget what you once shared with an ex. Memories will be triggered by hearing a song that you once made passionate love to, or the smell of her skin or perfume. The smell of things they say, bring you back the hardest.
And if you're not careful, you might find yourself back in her bed before you can say what-the-hell-just-happened. I've been forced to watch enough Lifetime movies, and to sit through daytime soaps like Passions to know that sex just happens.
It happened to me. Years ago, I remember one of my exes called me out of the blue, saying she wanted to see me. I told her O.K., and agreed to meet her in a public place preferably a park with lots of witnesses and no sharp objects around. She laughed and we met a few hours later. I complimented her on the new and exciting things happening with her hair, and made her laugh with my silly conversational gambits. Midway into the get-together, I interjected: "What's this about? I thought you weren't talking to me."
"Who said anything about talking?" she quipped, and her eyes sparkled impishly. Hours later, at her apartment... you know the rest.
Women have good reason to be wary of their boyfriends' exes.
"I don't see how guys do it, it's like going back to your vomit. How can you sleep with someone after you broke up a long time ago, she's been with someone else, and you've moved on with your life. But men are just dogs dogs returning to their old vomit," Grace said.
Ghost of relationships past
But the world of exhood is really quite problematic. The ghosts of relationships past will haunt you, especially with the recently exed who are just devious creatures. The old time exes are a little
easier to deal with, and if there are any cases of a one-for-the-road-romp, or an old-time-sake-sexfest, there are no strings attached. In the cases of current exes (three months or less), there are always strings attached, most likely around your neck, or your gonads.
Take a case of one of my close friends. I won't tell you his name or he might kill me. He hooked up with a hottie from his sordid past one evening after work. However, by the time he got home, his present girlfriend was waiting to greet him on the verandah. She was dressed in black, and she had a meat cleaver in her hand. Apparently, the ex had already called and shared with her 'matey' key details about the precise length, location and pleasure derived from that evening's sexual adventures.
He didn't even bother to get out of the car.
See, that's what I'm talking about! Although it may be possible to have casual sex with a former ex, it is never a good idea, and will eventually destroy whatever hopes of a budding friendship you may have cherished in the beginning.
I don't see how one can even be friends with an ex. For one, you can never truly confide in her. How can you tell her about the North Coast getaway you have planned with some new hot chick, or the mind-blowing orgasms your new girlfriend's skills afford you?
But men who are the impresarios of insecurity often feel a need to string their exes along. Why?
Maybe it's the belief that remaining friends seems to provide us with the security blanket that the person who has been in our life will still be there, and we can call on them every once in a while to find out how they are, but it never works. Why fool yourself?
Having an ex in your life, friend or not, is a constant reminder of 'The Way Things Used to Be', and makes it harder to move on to a healthier, happier relationship. Think happy thoughts. Remember the good times. Don't drag a doomed relationship through the mud just for some sweaty interlude.
What do you think? Are you friends with your exes?
You can e-mail me at cmillsy@yahoo.com
