These two little words can put a smile on the face of the recipient and lift the mood of the giver. So why are fewer of us saying them?Claude Mills and Grace Cameron, Gleaner Writers
UNITED STATES talk show diva Oprah Winfrey was so grateful to her best friend Gail who stood by her in the lean years that she made her friend a millionaire.
J.K. Rowling, author of the hot new Harry Potter series of books, has reportedly thanked one of her friends, whose shoulders she cried on when she was a struggling writer, with the deed to a house valued at more than US$200,000.
The boomerang effect from gratitude is not always so grand, of course, but show appreciation and it will likely come back to you. How important is a Thank You, anyway? These two little words can put a smile on the face of the recipient and lift the mood of the giver. The greatest rewards for expressing appreciation are psychological and emotional.
"When you say thank you to somebody, and they reply 'you're welcome', you have made contact as human beings and this is so important," said noted folklorist Dr. Olive Lewin.
"A thank you costs you nothing. Just the other day, I was about to make a turn on the road, and I saw a young man walking and I stopped to give him way. He gave me this great big smile, and when I turned into the other road, he waved at me. I felt a whole lot better that day even though we may never meet again, but it cost me nothing to make a friend," she added.
Management consultant Ainsley Deer, underlined the importance that a simple gesture of appreciation and goodwill can have in the tension-filled environment of the cubicled world. "A thank you is always important. It may not come in the form of words, but it may be some other gesture."
"We encourage management and staff to celebrate the small achievements rather than harping on mistakes. Thank you's and other common courtesies go a long way to getting people to be highly motivated. When they are motivated, they verbalise and this manifests itself in terms of increased production," said Mr. Deer.
Behind this story lies an incontrovertible piece of economic logic: People tend to spend their limited resources with where they feel most comfortable and appreciated.
"Expressing gratitude has a very reliable, robust warming effect," says Michael McDullough, Ph.D., associate professor of psychology at the University of Miami. "In our research, we found that people who are grateful by disposition also tend to be happier, healthier, more satisfied with their lives, and most likely to attain the goals they set for themselves," he said in the November 2002 issue of Good Housekeeping Magazine.
University of the West Indies Professor of Sociology and Criminology, Bernard Headley related his personal beliefs of the power of the thank you. "When I go to the gas station, my whole assessment of the person who serves me gas begins with whether he bothers to tell me 'good morning', or if he tells me 'thank you' when I make the payment. My interaction and assessment of people is based on common courtesy and etiquette. I always make a point to go back to that gas station if I have recently had a pleasant experience there," Mr. Headley said.
A THANK YOU RECESSION
Despite its inexpensiveness and the feel good effects society seems to be experiencing a Thank You recession where small, daily favours go unacknowledged. It usually takes a life-altering event for us to express gratitude.
"The 'please and tenky' system has broken down because so many of us feel we don't have to say thank you to certain people because it is beneath us. The key word, really, is respect. You have to see beyond what you see physically to the soul that counts," said Dr. Olive Lewin.
"Everyone is a part of God's creation, and sometimes I am afraid of what my people have become but I love and respect all Jamaicans. I am surprised at how we allow our kids to talk to helpers, I am surprised. As a child, I was very sickly, and I learned to depend on to take care of me and I respected them."
Dr. Lewin also bemoaned the shrinkage of civil society, and the modern-day globalisation culture where people nurture not friendships, but professional contacts.
"The decline in people saying 'thank you' is part and parcel of a more pervasive trend where people have set aside their finer qualities to adopt a coarser way of life," believes Ainsley Deer. He attributed the trend, in part, to the we'll-get-to-it-someday attitude of business and political leaders on matters of values, morals and attitudes.
Plus, "people don't say thank you because it is not macho to do so. The current trend is towards badmanism and bullyism. Jamaica used to be a lovely place, but the leaders only talk about values and attitudes and do nothing to push them, or even the basic principles of goodness."
"To some extent 'thank you' went out of fashion along with wearing a tie, or putting on your stockings," said Vivian Eveloff, a St. Louis, Missouri-based former business executive in the November 2002 issue of Good Housekeeping magazine. "In these stripped down times we tend to assume that people know we appreciate their kindness even if we don't go out of our way to say so," added Eveloff who is now a career coach for women.
Professor Bernard Headley, believes that "we are bringing up generations of kids who we have not parented enough". The pattern of parenting has changed, and there are many two-income families who may not have the time to spend with their children. Hence, things that should be automatically imparted to youngsters, such a as common courtesies, are discounted. This has contributed to the coarsening of society, reckoned Headley. "With my kids, I always make sure when they receive a gift or service of some sort, I ask them: did you say thank you?"
Still, he is not one to whine about the decay of traditional values in society, or pine away for a return to the days when etiquette ruled every interaction, and elocution and deportment were part of the core curriculum at high school. He believes that Jamaica is in a state of flux as it determines which values and attitudes it wants to uphold in the 21st century.
"As a society, we may be rejecting the elitism and afternoon tea habits of the colonial era as we strive to establish our own values. Right now, we may be in danger of getting to the point where toughness and rudeness defines who we are.
"As a society, we might know what we're rejecting, but we're still not sure what we're replacing it with. I think we're finding that we're not clinging to something British in origin but to a value or a moral that is universal and lasting in its appeal," he said.
Retired teacher John Searchwell, a big fan of thank you said, "the coarsening of our society is in large part due to urbanisation. When people moved from districts where everyone knew them to towns where they were anonymous, they stopped bothering to call to people and people didn't call to them. When people are anonymous, they behave differently, maybe because they feel certain courtesies are not expected of them and will not be returned."
Mr. Searchwell pointed to a change in the male-female interaction where females don't respond with grace or appreciation when males pay them compliments. "And I have found that when you try to offer a seat to a woman in obvious discomfort on the bus, she refuses to take it. They don't say thank you even when you pay them a compliment, and when she does this, it does not encourage him to be gentlemanly or civil towards her in the future because there is no reward in it," he added.
THE IMPORTANCE OF THANK YOU NOTES
The impact of a handwritten thank-you note is often overlooked in today's fast-paced "why-write-something-when-I-can-email-it" world.
"Some people may think that this is an indirect form of bribery, but whether you get the job or not, you should say thank you to the person for seeing you regarding a vacancy or a post," said Ainsley Deer.
A note written promptly and sincerely is an important ritual of etiquette that is much more effective and appreciated than a phone call or electronic message. Written notes are also permanent, which means they can be saved by the recipient and passed around to share with others.
A simple thank you note after a job interview can wield considerable power and influence, and reflects very favourably on your candidacy for the position. "By sending a thank you note, you show your interviewer common courtesy and respect...you tell your interviewer in no uncertain terms that you appreciate the time he has given you, and expend effort learning more about you and what you have to offer," Mr. Deer said.
Etiquette dictates such letters should be sent within 48 hours of the meeting. These letters are expected, and there are some general guidelines to follow, as discussed in many job-seeking guides.
Thank-you letters for interviews should be typed in business letter format and usually consist of one to two paragraphs, acknowledging the interview, pointing out a few important points that impressed the candidate and restating strengths as they relate to the job, if appropriate.
