Michael Reckord, Contributor "SO HOW was New York?" I asked Artie as, accepting a glass of cold beer from me, he sank into a verandah chair. (He'd just returned from a three-week visit to the "Big Apple" to see his father, a teacher there).
"Hotter than here," Artie said, and took a long swallow of his beverage. "And until I read this morning's papers, I was thinking that their law-makers were stupider than ours."
"What are you talking about?" I asked.
"Well, I don't know exactly what law they were breaking but while I was in New York, a young man was arrested and fined for stretching his leg out on an empty subway seat."
"Was he preventing someone else from sitting down?"
"No, Dads. There was only one other person in the subway car at the time. It was two-thirty in the morning. And, in another subway incident, a pregnant woman who had sat down on the subway stairs to rest was also charged with an offence and fined."
I shook my head sympathetically. "Sounds silly, for true. But what makes you think our law-makers are stupid, too?
"Haven't you heard that at least one Parliamentarian wants compulsory virginity tests for school girls under sixteen?"
I laughed. "You've caught up with the latest news, Artie."
"They were discussing the issue on the radio this morning, but I first heard about it from a man in a green T-shirt who bumped into me outside of Gordon House
yesterday."
"What did he tell you?" I asked.
Artie pulled out his ever present portable tape recorder. "The conversation was so bizarre, I recorded it. Listen." He pressed the play lever.
Man: Sorry I almost bounce you down, Star.
Artie: That's okay. No bones broken. Where you rushing to again?
Man: I going to Parliament to see my MP.
Artie: You say he wants to give schoolgirls virginity tests?
Man: What wrong wid dat? Dem haffi do all sorta oddah tests.
Artie: Annual virginity tests?
Man: Well, is dat I waan see him about. I think them should be weekly -- every Monday morning. You never know what dem young girls get up to over de weekend, and de sooner you
find out about de STDs or de pregnancy, de better.
Artie: But doesn't it make more sense to try to prevent the
pregnancy?
Man Well, an MP from de oddah side want to try dat.
Artie: How would it be done?
Man: You know, Kingman, I don't really check too much fah what dem oddah side MPs saying; I is strictly a loyalist. But according to dis morning papers, she's suggesting dat women who can't take care of dem children should be forced to have tubal ligation. You know what dat is?"
Artie: Yes. And that suggestion sounds just as stupid as the
virginity tests.
Man: Well, I don't know what tubal ligation mean, but I wi agree wid you it stupid. Anybody in a Government dat borrow $30-billion already fah de year, at 30 per cent interest, when we paying $300-million every single day to service our debt muss be stupid.
Artie: You don't think your MP's idea is stupid?
Man: No.
Artie: But who would test the girls every Monday morning, as you suggest? We have thousands of schoolgirls in this ...
Man: I going to tell my MP dat I wi volunteer. And I won't charge much.
I laughed as Artie turned off the tape recorder. "I see why you call some of our Parliamentarians
stupid."
"Perhaps I should say 'brain damaged'," Artie responded.
"Perhaps you should go even further," I said drily. "After all, there is an essential prerequisite to being brain damaged."
