Wendel Abel - I AM WHAT I THINK JULIA'S FATHER shouted in anger, "Either you obey me or you leave this house." Julia ran away that night. A year later, on her sixteenth birthday, the phone rang. It was Julia. "Mom can you come and get me, I am pregnant. Please help me."
Mrs. Howell gasped in distress. "The phone bill, $30,000.00." Her son had been using the phone again.
Mrs. Perkins was doing the laundry. A bag of ganja fell from her son's pocket. She was shocked. "What is this? Is my son doing drugs?"
His parents were sitting in the church. Tom walked in. He was wearing two earrings and his pants were hanging below his waist. His mother was horrified. His father embarrassed.
"I don't want to see you ever talking to that boy again," shouted Mary's father. He is too dark and his parents are from nowhere." Mary slammed the bedroom door and burst into tears. "But I love him, I love him," Mary sobbed.
Mrs. R walked into her son's bedroom. He was having sex with a girl. She screamed, "What you doing?"
These are teens in conflict with their parents. How did that loving, well-behaved child of 11 years old suddenly transform into a monster? Research conducted by the Carnegie Corporation in 1990 revealed that "most adolescents come through the critical age 10-20 relatively unscathed".
The sad reality is that for a minority of young people the adolescent period is plagued with battles with their parents over schoolwork, the use of the telephone, the choice of clothes and friends. If you are having difficulty with your adolescent child here are some suggestions. Note, however that they may not be applicable in all situations.
1. Encourage structure and activities in your child's life from early for example, swimming, membership of 4H clubs, the Red Cross, the Boy's Scout, Girl's Guide, Brownie's and so on.
2. Encourage young people to develop a spirit of love for country and in giving back something to society. Support them in visiting children's homes, hospitals and homes for the elderly. These give structure and greater meaning to life.
3. Communicate with your children. Many parents still believe that children should be seen and not heard. Remember that during adolescence, young people begin to form opinions and develop ideas of their own. Discuss issues with them. Help them to work through their ideas. Mistakes will be made at times, that is part of growth. Help them to work through their mistakes and challenges. Many parents try to create in the child what they failed to achieve for themselves and although this is understanble try to avoid imposing your views and ideas on your children instead try to have meaningful discussions around issues and always try to strike a compromise in difficult situations. If Julia father had not taken a hard line, she might not have ran away.
4. Communicate with " I messages". This was discussed in a previous column. You return home and your son and his friends are having a party. You are angry. Instead of attacking and shouting, "you are worthless, you are no good like your father", try communicating how you feel; "I am very disappointed and upset, I would have preferred if you were doing your homework." When you communicate your feelings it has a greater impact and generates less conflict.
5. Constantly give youngsters reassurance and love. That is how we reinforce the positive things they do. If you find yourself constantly quarrelling and finding faults, you may be destroying the child's self- confidence and self-esteem and this breeds resentment. Start looking for the positives and the good things your child is doing. When last have you hugged your teenager? When last have you praised your teenager? Children constantly need reassurance and love. If you have not been done this in a long while, start doing it. It may make a difference to the relationship.
6. Don't compare your children with others and with their siblings. We selectively compare their faults with others perfection. Remember everybody has faults and weaknesses. This may destroy self-confidence.
7. The matter of choice of clothes, friends and music can be a contentious one. As teenagers mature their choices in life change. The young boy who is wearing earrings and his trousers down to his waist will change these styles when he gets to university. At the university stage, he may start wearing locks, by the time he graduates from university, he may start wearing tailored suits. So choose your battles well. If we take much of hard line then your youngster may decide to take a hard line and not change the particular pattern of behaviour.
8. Set examples. Children live what they see. We must endeavour to set values and standards in our family and abide by them. A lot of the conflicts that occur are due to the inconsistencies and double standards children see around them.
9. Remember if a you are having difficulty with your adolescents, seek professional help quickly. Sometimes, families and friends do a very bad job in that they take sides, they further beat upon the child and make the situation worse.
Choose your battles with your teenager. It is not important to win all the battles, what is important is that you win the war. To ensure that they are responsible and well-adjusted adults.
Dr. Wendel Abel is a Consultant Psychiatrist and Senior Lecturer, University of the West Indies.
