By Amina Blackwood Meeks, Contributor
Blackwood Meeks
THERE IS just no pleasing some of us. According to my friend Miss Lady, some people have a sore for every plaster. She tell me sey de odda day she met a man complaining every which way bout how de wedda mean fe spwile him Chrismus.
Too much rain, man. Rain is supposed to fall early up in de year. But him cudden really tell har which part of de early wudda suit him. Although he did remember, as she reported to me, "dat fe de whole a March, only one day a rain, one day. Imagine! An now all dis water inna de Chrismus, yah!"
As you know, Miss Lady is of de age where she knows when not to beat a dead horse, or so she thought. So she decided to change the subject. "So, how yu planning to spen de Chrismus?" Well Missa Genkleman find anadda sore. Hear him: "Spen which Chrismus, Ma'am? People like me have Chrismus fe spen? Yu nuh see de whole heap a rain whey fall dis year? Wash out everyting whey me plant. So-so bush grow up roun de place. An see deh, Parish Council come gi out de likkle bushing an nat even one chain a it me nuh get. Ah likkle painting me get pan wan man house. Ah people like him have it fe spen fe Chrismus. An if yu see de likkle scrapsis a money whey him pay me fe do all dat-deh painting. Might as cheap me never badda work".
DISTRAUGHT AND
SOMBRE MOOD
Miss Lady sey she cudden wait fe get outa fe him sight an straight way she teck it to de Lord in prayer. Now I have to report to you directly that Miss Lady swear on a stack a Bibles that she meet de Almighty in a very distraught and sombre mood. And when she enquired of him what was the matter, he uttered but a single word - "Jamaica".
Ascording to how she tell it, she an God have dis very special relationship where dem confide into one annadda bout all kinds of tings. And so it was that God come to tell har how Jamaicans practically bruk him heart wid unthankful complaining.
Him begin with those people who, according to Miss Lady, ah get ready fe Chrismus like Chrismus is the Chief Executive Officer of the International Monetary Fund who coming to Jamaica for the first time. Yu know how dat go. If dem come and assess by how dem assess dat yu doing too bad dem is nat coming back. An dem have plenty friends in de farin press dat Lord Laro warn bout long-long time. Dem will jine de man who cuss de rain and use dem fren media fe issue travel advisory fe tell de world dat notwithstanding what de esteemed Minista of Tourism saying bout "find warmth in Jamaica in the winter season" a so-so rain dung yah. Furdermore Jamaica rain is de terriblest rain in de world an it mash up every pothole in de road leaving nutting for likkle pikney to drop down into when de jonkunnu band frighten dem, an no special attraction for any tourist who looking for spectacular tings to write into dem journal, so be ye advised, no go deh!
If dem come now an de place look like no more white lime doan leave into shop for every bit paint up de side walk an coconut tree dem, dem is still goin to tell de worl not to pay Mista Omar any mind when him come, for anybody who can still honour de Chrismus tradition of spending so much of what dem doan have an declare sey it add up to more dan laas year bank-book brucking record, doan need nutten. It is a condition known as IMF-induced schizophrenia. De people mad, dem sick. Inability fe please odda people result in dem nat knowing how fe please demself. Head nuh good.
Consequently, as Miss Lady reported that the Good Lord shared with her, dem kean see nutten worthwhile round dem. Dem kean even see de likkle performance in de House de adda day as part of de pre-Chrismus extravaganza. Give Miss Gloudon tings to tell us what Combolo buss-up when him teck faas an come back here. In adda words, dem feget sey God gi dem some a prettiest teeth in de world fe go siddung a Pantomime and kin it kibba heart bun.
DOAN MENTION
In fack, doan mention de word bun round dem at dis time of de year. Man commit adultery fe less dan dat. Is dat is de bun? Anyway, is cake dem want. And dem not sweating over no coal stove fe meck it. For it is unfair an unjust dat some people should just pick up dem phone and wait for the order of Chrismus pudding at how much rent-money a pound to be delivered to their doors and collected by their butlers while some fe condemn to some ole fashion rub butter and brown sugar inna pudden pan wid cake soap cork up de hole fe keep in de batter, an mix it up wit orange peel an essen, fe go bake hell-a-tap, hell-a-battam style.
Dem kean fine no hallelujah inna dat. So all who want to run backa Handel and bawl out fe dem throat-hole, a fe dem business dat. An all who waan run fram de nize cudda run go Blue Mountains. You know sey nat even dat bring one jot a joy to some people. In fack, dem drive past de Blue Mountains everyday, drive chu it sometimes and doan even see it. Miss Lady swear again, on annadda stack a Bibles, dat right deh so she see like wata well up into God eye, run dung him face, roll down de mountainside an jine up wid de Cane River. Nuff nuff Jamaicans never put dem toe into dat yet neida.
She sey, God start mutter to himself now for him don't know what else to do. Hear him, "Is nat like I don't see dem conditions. Dem get couple representatives dat doan represent nutten I have fe gi dem. But I will deal with dat later. Me gi dem de white lime dem ask for, dem sey why me never gi dem paint, me gi dem sorrel dem want stale grapes from farin, me gi dem mango, pineapple, watermelon dem want Granny Smith Apple, me gi dem a tree-foot jester pot whey cook de bes gungo stew dem waan fe know why gungo kean microwave, me gi dem Kumina and Revival dem want Kwanzaa, me kip snow outa dem parade dem cuss bout rain, whey more dem want Jesas Chrise!"
She sey she frighten so till. For a brief moment there she tink sey a swear God a swear. Den she realise sey is only har earthly conditioning a interfere wid har higher-level hearing. An she sey to herself, "Jesas Chrise! Him gi wi dat too. Wi fi count de blessings and share it. And may we see in this Christmas a brand new light."
Love, Happiness and Nuff Blessings for you and yours this Christmas.
