FANTASIES ARE usually thoughts or images that alter your emotions or psychological state. It is a wishful or day dreaming state.
These day dreams also tend to represent a fusion of mind, body and emotion, states family therapist Sidney McGill.
"They may represent earlier or childhood experiences, pleasant or even abusive. Many young girls who are sexually abused, while they find this aversive, some who remember the experience do so in an obsessive compulsive way and may want to act it out. They may do so with every Tom, Dick and Harry."
But, men tend to have more fantasies than women.
Male fantasies also focus on primarily sexual activity. They may fantasise about having oral sex with a virgin or an experienced older woman, or with two partners at the same time.
Shy maiden
The therapist suggests that many women also have sexual fantasies, but, "the difference with women is that they are more likely to play a role, such as the victim, the shy maiden, the one who is dominant or voyeurism (peeping Janet).
"For many women the relationship with the partner is the key not the activity," the therapist says, noting the emotional is a stronger component for this gender.
Which sex is more likely to seek to act out their fantasies?
The answer may not be surprising. While for a woman, the sexual fantasy may remain the stuff of dreams, men are more likely to seek to act out, including those who are homosexual.
According to Dr. McGill, research shows that the content of fantasies between homo and heterosexual are similar, except that the partner, in the case of homosexuals, will be someone of the same gender. One difference is that heterosexuals also fantasise about sexual activity with someone of the same gender too.
Professionally, therapists hold the position that there is nothing wrong with a fantasy.
"Fantasies are used in sex therapy to aid the individuals in reaching orgasms or having an erection or helping them with controlling orgasms," Dr. McGill said.
Fantasies have other roles, too, especially in the matter of increasing self-esteem.
The therapist says, "It's no different from one who aspires to be the CEO of his own company and then acts as if he is. Sexually, a woman who has had difficulty in reaching orgasms, can fantasise and may be able to reach orgasm.
Sexually competent
"Such fantasising makes her feel that she is sexually competent."
Fantasising increases confidence and can actually increase sexual attractiveness. "If they fantasise they are good, they can start living it out," the therapist explains. Their confidence changes the way people see them.
"What's important is the mental rehearsal for future possibilities. The rehearsal may enable the person to change behaviour, initiate communication with a partner, or change partners," Dr. McGill said.
Many of the fantasies among men and women take place during masturbation. Thirteen studies show that 87 per cent of men and 69 per cent of women fantasise during masturbation.
The Christian counsellor may hold the view that these activities are unhealthy, Dr. McGill points out. "The Bible states that if you lust after a woman then you have fornicated."
Unless one is fantasising about one's married partner, sexual fantasies for Christians, especially when they lead to 'acting out', appears to be not okay.
Many rapists are also deep into fantasy, dreaming of finding someone who they think is the perfect victim who they can exercise domination over. "They do gain sexual pleasure from aggression, domination and an unnatural sense of control," the therapist points out.
"For any kind of sexual deviation, persons will fantasise about the whole thing. First comes the thought, then the action, then comes the habit, from the habit to character and from character to destiny."
Dr. Sidney McGill is a marriage and family therapist specialising in clinical sexology. He is the executive director of Family Counselling Centre of Jamaica in St. Ann.
