Sidney McGill - HEALTHY SEX 101IF IT were not for the controlling fear that kept Natasha bound to a 12-year- old marriage, she would have left her husband long ago. He often threatened to kill her and then himself if she left him. Finally, she file for divorce and it came through. She detangled her life from her husband except for the children's financial support and visiting arrangements. Relieved but depressed, angry and still very fearful she tried to adjust to being 'alone again, naturally'.
How soon you again become sexually active after separation or divorce depends on your response to the trauma, your age, your sexual habits and religious commitment. Between 66 and 75 per cent of women begin post-marital sexual intercourse within one year after the end of the marriage or common-law union. Once the woman begins post-marital sex, she is extremely likely to have it with more than one man, especially if she is below age 45. Men begin extra-marital sexual intercourse much sooner, sometimes during the early stages of the marital conflict, increasing sexual activity after separation has occurred.
Men and women feel a sense of inferiority after the separation though some men are not entirely aware of this because, the issue can be clouded by their anger and frenzied attempts at 'saving' their manhood through busy work schedules, multiple sex partners or drinking.
It is never advisable, under most circumstances, to get into another committed relationship at this time. Getting involved in another affair too soon, subverts the emotional healing process in much the same way marijuana temporarily counters depression without resolving the deep-rooted psychological reasons for the illness. You should give yourself time to heal; time to reflect and come to terms with how you will effectively live your life without your ex-partner.
A significant part of the healing process is identifying and examining your contribution to the breakdown of the marriage. This may take a while to do because your objectivity may be clouded by anger and hurt. You must get better at forming and maintaining good relationships by changing personal faults that hinder healthy growth in your present and future relationships.
In separation and divorce the obvious effect is a grief reaction and related depression. Studies of family crisis show that the process of crisis evolution has four steps: the crisis event (the emotional and later physical separation), disorganisation (confusion in making wise decisions), recovery (picking up the pieces) and reorganisation (greater level of comfort in life changes). The ability to adjust varies among individuals and according to the particular crisis.
The rate of sexual activity among divorced women appears to be higher than among women of the same age in committed relationships. They have orgasms more often than during marriage which is due to feelings of relief in emerging from a painful relationship. Unhappy sexual relationships tend to have a lower rate of orgasm for women.
Divorced men, on the other hand, though they attach much importance to their orgasms, seem to increasingly prefer general sexual or sensual experience such as responding more to touching as they get into their 40s and 50s. Sex for him gradually becomes less frequent and the period between getting an erection after his last orgasm increases. He may have general health problems such as an enlarged prostate gland and cardiovascular problems that may affect his sexual performance.
If you are recently separated or divorced, seek emotional support from close friends who will give you good advice. Talk about your feelings to them and avoid excessive sexual intercourse as much as possible while you get better.
Dr. Sidney McGill is a Marriage and Family Therapist and Executive Director of the Family Counselling Centre of Jamaica, St. Ann.
