Tony HendriksTony Hendriks
A STOWAWAY was found alive in the hold of a banana boat en route to England from Jamaica but don't all rush to Jamaica Producers for passage to Europe; the stowaway was a frog. Of course, there are worse stowaways to find in your fruit. Tarantula spiders have gone bananas from South America, poisonous snakes have slithered out of the Vietnam jungle and flown to mainland USA, a cuckoo even managed to get all the way from Texas to the White House in Washington DC.
The British authorities named the incredibly rare, Osteopilus Fitzinger tree frog: Lara. Not because he looked like the West Indies cricket captain but because they reckon he had as much stamina to last 4,000 miles as Brian did to score an unbeaten 400. My respect for the amphibian isn't so much that he lasted the distance but that he managed to survive at a constant temperature of 14C. I don't want to mention any names (Blacka) but I know Jamaicans who tremble with the ague if the temperature falls below 80F for ten minutes, let alone ten days.
It isn't the first time Jamaican wildlife has appeared in foreign. I don't mean Elephant Man. I once moved to Washington DC and took all my coroaches (not cockroaches, they stayed behind) including my computer. As I opened the printer box I noticed the ream of paper had been sliced by knife about an inch deep. Of course, any large white slab weighing more than a kilo coming from Jamaica must be suspect. I reconciled myself to the fact that although I'd lost paper it was nothing compared to being grilled by US customs. So I cast the plastic wrapping to one side, plugged in the printer and tested it. Much to my relief it worked.
CROAKING LIZARD
Then out of the corner of my eye I noticed something move in the plastic. On closer inspection I discovered a rather worse for wear croaking lizard. Clearing out my apartment must have been a trauma for the poor thing. All the books and papers she used to hide among were moved and she had taken refuge in the only thing left and suitable as cover, my printer. Now, I'm not as bad as many Jamaicans, my fear of croaking lizards is less about their eerie looks and more about the lack of ability to stick to walls at night when rushing to gulp a moth or mosquito above my head. I wasn't going to kill her; I was more intent on saving a fellow Jamaican abroad in need.
Gently lifting the plastic sheet I poured Lizzie on to the balcony and watched as she lay prone, her life force almost completely spent. How do you revive a lizard? Boil water? Bring towels? Who the hell knows? All I could do was put down a saucer of water and some breadcrumbs and hope she'd do the rest. Look, I'd have caught flies for Lizzie if there had been any around but just like policemen, they are never there when you want them. An hour later I checked the balcony but Lizzie was nowhere to be seen. My heart fell at the thought she might have dropped the 24 storeys to her death. One look down from that balcony would make even the hardiest croaker croak. She could have crawled up to the roof or the balcony below but there was no evidence to suggest either; no suicide note, no ladder, no little rope made of bed sheets knotted together. I just hoped she was okay in this foreign land.
ELECTRICAL STORM
Two months later as thunder clapped, lightning cracked, I went outside to watch the electrical storm. Lizzie darted from under a chair to the door of the air-conditioning closet on the balcony. But just before she disappeared she stopped, looked back over her shoulder, winked, and croaked. She hadn't forgotten me; she was grateful. She blew me a croaker kiss then made off to the warmest place in the building come winter, spring, summer or fall.
Lizzie later married an American Skyscraper Lizard and now has three mixed race children and a green card. These days she even croaks with a twang.
Tony Hendriks is a comedian. He can be e-mailed at palefaceuk@aol.com and you can find out where he is playing live at www.jamaicanpaleface.com
