Tony Deyal Tony Deyal
CRICKET IS about tradition, passing the bat on from generation to generation. It is also the value added as each generation rubs shoulders and trades stories with its predecessors and successors. A classic example is in the autobiography of BBC Broadcaster, Brian Johnston, It's Been A Lot of Fun. When Johnston died in January 1994, the British Prime Minister and cricket fan, John Majors, spoke for all cricket lovers everywhere when he said summers will never be the same. When Johnston, or Johnners as he was called, was young the Middlesex cricket heroes of the time were Jack Hearne and Patsy Hendren.
Hendren was young Brian's hero. When Johnston finally met Hendren, a man as famous for his sense of humour as for his cricket, he was not disappointed. According to Johnston, Hendren was fielding on the boundary at the Sydney Cricket Ground, the area called the Hill, when the batsman hit the ball high in the air towards him. The ball kept climbing, soaring higher and higher, when a raucous voice from the stands shouted, "Patsy, if you miss the catch you can sleep with my sister." Later when Hendren was asked what he had done he replied, "Oh, as I hadn't seen his sister, I caught the ball."
Johnston's second Hendren story happened during a match against Derbyshire on a wet and muddy pitch. Hendren was batting with Walter Robbins against the leg breaks of T.B. Mitchell. Robins always used his feet against slow bowlers. Whenever he danced down the pitch and missed the ball, he always walked on towards the pavilion without looking back, certain that he was stumped. Mitchell was bowling to Robins, who went down the pitch, missed the ball and headed straight for the pavilion. Hendren shouted, "He missed it" and Robbins turned around quickly, threw himself forward at the stumps and got covered completely in mud. The crowd roared with laughter as Robins slowly got up. When he looked up he saw the bails lying on the ground and the wicket-keeper chatting to the slips.
STUMPED
Mitchell had been stumped and Hendren had played a trick on him. Johnston, who at eighty held a one-man comedy show called An Evening With Johnners remembered his first sex education lesson just before he left private school for Eton. His headmaster, Mr. Waterfield, asked, "Do things happen at night?" Not sure what he meant the boys said, "No." The second question was, "Do you know where babies come from?" "No sir," said the innocent young Brian. "Well," said the headmaster, "you know that hole that women have in front?"
Johnston had seen his sisters navel in the bath at home and said, "Yes. sir." The headmaster continued, "Well, that's where they come from. Goodbye, thanks for what you have done for us and good luck at Eton." Johnston summed it up with, "As Douglas Byng was to say later: it was sex of one and half-a-dozen of the other."
Later, Johnston was aware of the double entendre in his famous, The bowlers Holding the batsman's Willie. To digress from Johnston for a moment, last year when the Australian team toured the Caribbean, I had the pleasure (and education) of hearing the Australian coach talking about his approach and methods. More interesting than the coach, was the Australian High Commissioner who tackled the issue of sledging which had become a hot-topic following the Goliath McGrath and little David Sarwan controversy.
The High Commissioner told a story to illustrate that sledging was generally good-natured and the quick-witted usually won. Eddo Brandes, the very chubby Zimbabwe batsman, was defying the Australians, particularly an un-named fast bowler. After Brandes hit one of the speedster's best deliveries to the boundary, the bowler asked him tauntingly, "You're so fat! Why are you so (expletive deleted) fat Eddy?" To which Mr. Brandes replied, "Because every time I make love to your wife, she gives me a biscuit."
PROPOSAL
Several years ago, I gave the West Indies Cricket Board and its President, Wes Hall, a proposal for a book and multi-media product to be called Anecdotes of West Indies Cricket. I feel that our players and many of the present generation don't know the traditions of the game because there is no easy guide, no one source for education, enlightenment and entertainment. More, with the World Cup coming here in 2007, we don't have one publication that captures the humour that is our hallmark. Columnist B.C. Pires might be right in thinking that most of our players cannot sit through a 90-minute film. I believe, however, that their attention span might be just long enough for jokes and stories.
We need something that captures what for me are our three greatest attributes, our love of humour, our joy in story telling and our passion for cricket. Johnston remains the prime example. He said that in Port-of-Spain during an English tour, one of his colleagues started hanging out with a pretty girl but refused to introduce her until Johnston bumped into his friend coming out of the hotel with the girl.
"This is Annette," his friend said. The irrepressible Johnston then remarked, "Oh, that's what you've been doing. I thought you were going to practise cricket every time you said you were about to have a net (Annette)".
He and his friend John Ellison had a famous cross-talk act (Down Your Way). Here's a sample. It does beat the cross-talk that characterises the present debate about the future of West Indies cricket. B.J. "I call my dog Carpenter." J.E. "Why?" B.J. "Because he's always doing odd jobs around the house. You should see him make a bolt for the door. I must go now to see my wife." J.E. "What do you call her?" B.J. "Radio Four". J.E. "Why on earth Radio Four?" B.J. "Because she has nothing on after midnight."
Tony Deyal was last seen quoting Johnston's final joke in his book. He said a man went to a chemists shop to buy some talcum powder. The chemist gestured to him, "Please walk this way, sir". To which the man replied, "If I could walk that way I won't need the talcum powder."
