Wendel Abel - I AM WHAT I THINKAT 34 YEARS, Agnes still breaks down in tears. She has bad memories of her childhood. "I was the darkest in my family. I was treated badly. My mother hated me. I had to do all the dirty work. My siblings called names like 'tar baby, black pot, and black skin."
"I remember, my mother leaving at age six. My brother and I were told she was going to Kingston to shop. She never returned. I never saw my mother again. I still have feelings of rejection", lamented Howard. "I was sent to live with my aunt. She treated me like a slave. I did all the work while her children studied and played. My life dream was to become a lawyer but I never went to school regularly."
"My grandmother died and I went to live with my mother. At age 10 my step- father started to fondle me. I reported it to my mother one day. She slapped me in the face and told me, she did not want me to "mash up her marriage". He continued when I was 12 he raped me. I had an abortion. That was traumatic. Today I am unmarried. I have never been able to trust men. I am constantly depressed."
What do these persons have in common? They were all abused as children. Was I abused as a child?
Many adults despite the fact they were abused as children still express doubt and confusion. Abuse in children may be in different forms, emotional, physical abuse and sexual abuse. Whatever it is, child abuse leaves scars that persist into adulthood. "Like many persons I try to block the painful memories as they are so difficult to deal with," commented one lady. "I never spoke about it. It was too difficult.''
WHO IS AN ADULT SURVIVOR
OF CHILDHOOD ABUSE?
An adult survivor of childhood abuse is anyone who endured the abuse as a child and who survived it. Adult survivor of childhood abuse present with a number of mental health problems ranging from anxiety disorders, post traumatic stress disorder, depression many individuals have problems establishing stable and meaningful relationships and others are sensitive to rejection. Alcohol and drug abuse are problems that are also common among adult survivors of abuse. In addition many individuals suffer low self-esteem, difficulty trusting others, self destructive behaviour and a failure to achieve in life. "I had no confidence in myself'' reported Agnes. I hated myself because I was black. I still struggle with the bleaching cream and with processing my hair. People tell me I am beautiful and I have great difficulty believing them. It is so difficult to trust others. My self confidence was shattered. I still struggle with a life of being constantly criticised, threatened, invalidated and ignored."
Althea was abused sexually by her stepfather. "I have problems during sex. I frequently get flashbacks to those painful experiences during sex and I have major problems with my husband. Thanks that he has been very understanding," she commented.
SURVIVING THE PAIN
The emotional scars may last forever and getting past the pain, hurt and rejection may take a life time. Here some tips to survive.
1. Seek professional help. Therapy may help you unearth and deal with the painful memories of abuse as a child and assist you to deal with the many emotions that you are struggling with. It will also help you to grieve your childhood and to mourn the loss of those who failed you.
2. Deal with the painful memories as they surface. Don't try to block them out.
3. Accept that you were powerless over the abuser. Don't blame yourself. You did no wrong. The adults in our lives are responsible for protecting us and ensuring our safety as children.
4. Try to put closure to the painful experience. This may take a lifetime and may involve many activities.
5. Accept the pain and anger stemming from the abuse but don't turn it on yourself.
6. Forgive the abuser. The hate and resentment you have in your heart for the abuser will only eat away at you. You may have a need to discuss the matter with an abuser or to forgive them in order to help you to bring some degree of closure.
7. Start a support group, there are many persons in the community who experienced abuse as children and who are looking for a support group to join.
Dr. Wendel Abel is a Consultant Psychiatrist and Senior Lecturer, University of the West Indies.
