Tony Deyal, Contributor
THE PERSON who believes, like Hamlet, Prince of Denmark, that the fault is not in our stars but in ourselves, has not read the National Enquirer. Every week the Enquirer and its look-alike Globe, parades and presents the follies and foibles, warts and wrinkles, antics, mantics, womantics and romantics of the Hollywood hit parade. Stardom and star-dumb are synonymous.
The June 7 issue of the Enquirer featured in blazing, front-page headlines MARTHA WAS FRAMED! It added, SHOCKING REPORT. Other previews were of Best & Worst Beach Bodies and an exclusive on KOBE'S WIFE SECRETLY MEETS WITH DIVORCE ATTORNEY. Not to be outdone, The Globe's big story asked IS IT ROY? or an imposter! The paper was not referring to US Ambassador to Trinidad and Tobago, Roy Austin, about whom such a question could have been legitimately asked following his diatribe at a Commonwealth Journalists event in Trinidad. Instead, it referred to Roy Horn, of Siegfried and Roy, who was mauled by one of his tigers during his Las Vegas act. The Globe also promised a 13-page special, EXPOSED! SHOCKING SCANDALS OF WORLD'S ROYALS. Readers were also promised amazing photos of Celebs Cursed by Cellulite.
UNSOLVED MYSTERY
The mainstream media have now enthusiastically embraced the new trend. In its 30th Anniversary Special Double Issue, People magazine promises, Scandals, Romances, Fashion Fiascoes, Unsolved Mysteries and More. For me, perhaps the greatest unsolved mystery came from the pages of the Enquirer. It said, Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin had a baby girl and named her Apple. The Enquirer claimed that's what happens when you write your potential baby names on the back of your grocery list. There are other theories. The lucky couple might have wanted to ensure the continuing good health of their family and figured that an Apple every day would keep the doctor away. She might have been sponsored by the computer company of the same name to publicise its products. The real proof would come when the couple has their next child. If it is named I-pod, Macintosh or Power Book, then you can definitely blame commercial considerations. If Bill Gates was seriously competing the child might have been named XP.
I was not the only person who, like Adam, found Apple hard to swallow. Netscape and Compuserve journalist, Stacy Jenel Smith, came up with some incredible research on the names to which stars subject their offspring. Rachel Griffiths named her baby Banjo, maybe because of the plaintive sound it made in the wee-wee hours of the morning. An actress named Shannyn Sossamon named her kid Audio Science, perhaps on the basis that little children should be heard and not seen. On the other hand, Tea Leoni and David Duchovny named their baby, Kyd, and were not kidding about the name.
Wacko Jacko, a.k.a. Michael Jackson, named his sons Prince Michael 1 and 11. Not to be outdone, his brother, Jermaine Jackson, has a child named Jermajesty. I thought that Sonny and Cher were crazy to subject their daughter to the name Chastity because, unlike Charity, she couldn't begin at home, and that Frank Zappa's weirdness was certifiable when his child's name on the birth certificate was Moon Unit, but Jason Lee and his fiancee, Beth Riesgraf, take the fruitcake award when they named their son Pilot Inspektor. No explanation was provided. Neither did Zappa provide any for naming his other children, Dweezil, Ahmet Rodan and Diva.
MORE NAMES
Stacy Jenel Smith also pointed out that the late British television personality, Paula Yates, had three children with rocker Bob Geldof, Fifi Trixibelle, Peaches Honeyblossom and Pixie. She also had a daughter with another rocker, Michael Hutchence, named, Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily. David Bowie named his son Zowie and Grace Slick tried to name her child god (with a small g) but eventually settled for China when the officials at the registration office protested. The poor child must have been extremely relieved and grateful to the Registrar of Births. Rob Morrow's daughter is named Tu as in Et tu Brute? (short for Brutus and not the aftershave). The name is the familiar form of You but sounds more exotic. George Foreman named his sons George Jr., George III, George IV, George V, and George VI, and complains that he can't remember his son's names. He eventually stopped having kids. In other words he called that George.
According to Smith, Erykah Badu and Andre Benjamin named their baby Seven Sirius. There is no mention of the other six. Toni Braxton's son is Denimal though he wasn't a blue baby. Elle MacPherson's son is Aurelius Cy, a combination of Ancient Rome and middle-America. Rob Thomas' baby is Maison or French for house. Instead of a christening they held a Maison-warming.
Ving Rhames proved that those abused also become abusers by subjecting his children to the names Reignbeau and Feedom. John Cougar Mellencamp's son is Speck Wildhorse.
I sometimes think that we should refrain from calling our children any names but Hey kid, Junior, Love, Son or Daughter until they are old enough to decide what they would like to be called. It is difficult to restrain yourself when you want your child to carry your name or a name that you like. I once met a taxi-driver in Trinidad named Peaceful Dragon and have always wondered to what he owed his name. In other cases, it is obvious. There is the story of three women who were seeing a psychiatrist. He berated the first one, "All you like to do is eat sweets, that's why you named your daughter Candy". He was merciless with the second one, an Englishwoman, "You like money too much, that's why you named your son Sterling". The third woman angrily stormed out, dragging her little son behind her, "I've heard enough of this nonsense. Let's go Dick".
Tony Deyal was last seen saying that an American man officially changed his name to Trout Fishing in America. If someone can do that to himself, what would he name his children if he ever finds a woman brave and willing enough to become Mrs Trout Fishing in America?
