Sidney McGill - HEALTHY SEX 101He walked into one club after another, seeking the battle that would free him; but all he met with were old bad-johns, their very names forgotten by everyone outside a small circle of acquaintances, and some younger fellars, mediocre men who had no class nor name and who would acquire neither.
-Earl Lovelace, The Dragon Can't Dance
IN THE late twentieth century, we began to see fathers as important as mothers in contributing to the child's development but overlooked the powerfully transforming role of becoming a father. The fatherhood challenge presents a CRISIS or OPPORTUNITY.
The challenge is how to deal with the long-buried unconscious struggles of intimacy, attachment and self-control from childhood that resurfaces to haunt them. On the flip side is a wonderful opportunity (or a second chance) for the man to be transformed by dealing with those unfinished business of his childhood, hopefully leaving a legacy of nurturance for the next generation. The balancing act between his needs, his women's needs and the children's needs should weaken his narcissistic streak. But some men take the path of least resistance and affirm their largely narcissistic worldview instead of struggling to accept their nurturant fathering responsibilities against the backdrop of their economic state.
CORRECTING FATHERING
Some men, however, would like to do more for their children but can't afford to do so primarily because of their bad economics of having too many children. They will mind the children that live closest to their homes, ignoring for the most part, the ones that live miles away, or worst still, denying paternity of some of them in order to avoid the burdensome responsibilities of fatherhood. The Jamaican male with intimacy, attachment and self-control issues should have no more than one child. Transforming his fathering abilities and developing the child's identity would happen under less stressful conditions.
Fathering correctly is a learned skill that involves a developed sense of empathy and responsibility. In many traditional relationships in which women take on the primary role of child care, men tend to shy away from competing with their spouses for primacy with the children but may step in to give support if the mother is ill or the child wants to leave mother and an abusive stepfather. Men who consider their spouses as parenting experts can observe and learn from them how to be good parents themselves. "For men, being able to value the tasks that women do traditionally, particularly in mothering and child care - and to identify with these nurturing roles helps to undo at the deepest unconscious layers, the fear and dread that many men feel about being dependent on a woman." William Pollack. But this can only happen if the man has put to rest much of his homophobic tendencies and is willing to accept his feminine, more nurturant side.
Fathering is one of men's greatest opportunities for personal transformation. To be a good enough father, a man must learn to balance his biological capacities for procreation with developing the necessary social and intrapsychic constructions. He is not only progenitor and provider but protector and proximally a nurturant caregiver. Even with this achievement his role as father does not end because if he is to be a significant part of the reparative experience necessary to bring healing to our society, particularly among our boys, he must move beyond his family loyalty to becoming a caring, supporting mentor to the children of irresponsible Jamaican men. His mission must be to put an end to "mediocre men who [have] no class nor name and who would acquire neither."
Dr. Sidney McGill is a Marriage and Family Therapist and Executive Director of the Family Counselling Centre of Jamaica, St. Ann; email: yourhealth@gleanerjm.com.
