Sidney McGill
IF CHILDREN embody the hope of the
family and nation for a meaningful future, then developing your child's sexuality is an important parenting skill.
In previous Gleaner articles, I
emphasised the importance of beginning a child's sex education as early as during pregnancy because a pregnant mother's mental and physical state can impact the
foetus's mental and physical development
in positive or negative ways.
The gravid mother, therefore, must eat and sleep well, stay relatively active, maintain healthy relationships and most importantly accept the growing foetus in her womb. It is a known fact that a depressed mother can give birth to a depressed baby who refuses breast feeding and has to be nudged into drinking milk from a bottle.
Developing a child's healthy sexuality is a
lot more than teaching him/her about the birds and the bees. It starts by developing secure attachments with your child as early as
possible in the womb. Attachment theory speaks to the close, affectionate bonds
that remain with us throughout life with caregivers, close relatives and friends. Our sexuality, which is our schema for seeking and maintaining close relationships with
others, is largely affected by early bonding between caregiver and child. "Since our well-being and survival depend on securing the protection of attachment figures, that relationship is our central concern
throughout childhood, and its
unresolved insecurities linger into adult
life, including marriage," says John Bowlby in Attachment and Loss.
BASIC NEEDS
In order for parents to have the
physical and emotional energy to work
at developing healthy sexuality in their
children, their own basic needs for housing, food, clothing, transportation and health care must be met on the one hand, and their own emotional support on the other.
They also must have adequate knowledge and understanding of child development. Under those conditions of stability and
support, parents can consistently develop a healthy identity and sexuality in their
children. Research shows that a caregiver's sensitivity and responsivity to the child's needs is the major factor leading to a secure attachment in the child. The securely attached child learns to trust that the
caregiver will meet his or her needs, as well as solicit care from the caregiver.
SECURE ATTACHMENTS
The child who is securely attached
tends to be socially adept, cooperative, enthusiastic, more empathic and less
aggressive than a child who does not have secure attachment. As the child matures, basic trust in the caregiver and in self
continues to develop, influencing the child's expectations and behaviour in subsequent relationships with other adults and peers. While secure attachments do not
guarantee immunity to social or sexual problems in the future, it lays the foundation in infancy for sexual and general health and well-being in adulthood.
POOR ATTACHMENTS
The child who is unable to develop a secure attachment with parents is likely to exhibit a sense of helplessness in mastering his environment. The poorly-attached child may show one or more of the following: attention-seeking behaviours, lack of
confidence, poor self-esteem, lack of
motivation to learn, difficulty forming friendships, disobedience and aggression, and social withdrawal. These types of behaviours make him or her susceptible to becoming a victim or victimiser. The
behaviours of poorly-attached children
tend to drive others away, which only
further reinforce their negative models.
If you are concerned about raising a sexually healthy child, a simple adage to remember
is that 'a child spells love TIME'.
Dr. Sidney McGill is a marriage and family therapist and executive director of Family Counselling Centre
of Jamaica, St. Ann; email: yourhealth@gleanerjm.com.
