Ivret Williams, Contributor
MANY COUPLES enter marriage expecting a fairy-tale life. They expect their relationship to be like the love scenes from the romance novels or the soap operas - full of sizzle and excitement. They become bored with their present relationship and become disappointed with the 'chores' of daily life. To add excitement to their lives, some enter an illicit relationship.
Reasons for infidelity
There are several causes why persons are unfaithful to their partners. Many have affairs because their emotional needs are not being met. Some persons have a difficulty sharing their innermost feelings with their partners. Some feel they cannot share their disappointments and pain as their spouses will look down on them and so they will find someone else to share their struggles who they believe will not view them in a negative life. This sometimes happens in relationships where a spouse will constantly criticise the other or compare the other to friends or family members.
If sexual needs are not being met then one party can become unfaithful. If neither spouse is meeting the other's needs, this sometimes results in two affairs if the opportunity presents itself. The reason that there are not two affairs sometimes is often the lack of opportunity for the offended spouse.
Couples who are in constant conflicts and have not learnt effective ways to talk to each other will find someone else to communicate with. The constant conflicts which go unresolved cause them to lose all trust and respect for each other until finally, they see no value in keeping themselves solely for each other.
Problems at work frequently cause stress that can lead to infidelity. If a person has been laid off, passed over for a promotion or has too much to do, his or her prestige and identity will be affected. Sometimes the persons under stress feel unable to discuss the problems with their partners. A mate who is under pressure from a difficulty and feels that his or her spouse would not understand may find solace in someone else's arms. There may be a listening ear in a member of the opposite sex. The problem eventually becomes a common bond which grows into a sexual or emotional affair.
Some men will cheat for sexual gratification, while others will claim that they did it because they were unhappy. Research however shows that men will cheat even when they are in a happy relationship because a man can has sex with another woman and has no emotional feelings for her. Others will cheat and move on to a new relationship because (for them) it takes more effort to salvage an old relationship than it takes to start a new one. Older men may prefer the company of younger women and youthful activities because people their age and older are no longer appealing to them. They will use sex to demonstrate that the ageing process is having no effect on them. They may even seek to father a child as a sign of their virility. Women on the other hand, may feel the need to prove themselves young and attractive and of worth. As such they may become engaged in an extra marital affair especially if they feel that their spouses are 'taking them for granted'.
Persons will contribute to their marital problems by being absorbed in too many interests and their mates get regulated to second place. Some of these interests are careers, church, children and hobbies. Their flurry of activities become the springboard for their mate's infidelity. Others will feel that the marriage is no longer making them 'happy' and as such will move on to a more 'exciting' relationship. Others get involved to punish their partners or to find relief from a painful relationship.
If you are having an affair, what is your reason and is it worth it?
Ivret Williams is a counselling psychologist and an associate with Family Life Ministries.
10 key ingredients for successful relationships
'Tis the month of newlyweds, and, to start you young couples off on the right big toe, counselling psychologist in Kingston, Avril Le Vel-James suggests 10 ingredients which you can use to create successful relationships.
1 Purpose: Make sure that you are united around common purposes and goals. This is a marvellous method of keeping you focused and 'into' each other.
2 Commitment: Regardless of what happens, remain true to your promises.
3 Acceptance: Many times we go into relationships trying to change people. During courtship, we say 'come without one plea' and then, all of a sudden, we change gear. Your partner will feel betrayed, tricked.
4 Trust: Trust is crucial. You must believe or be made to believe that the relationship is real and lasting. Believe it is possible that your partner can give you love, can be genuine, can be true.
5Communication: Communication must be above board.
6 Negotiation: Marriage represents two cultures coming together. There is no right way. If something was done one way in the past, one can renegotiate one's stance to solve issues in the relationship.
7 Surrender: This is not the sort of surrender that happens at gunpoint. It's positive and voluntary.
8 Forgiveness: On many occasions, one has to forgive. We are human. Forgiveness is important for healing and future development.
9 Responsibility: Everyone should take charge of his or her own life and the roles that he or she plays in the development of problems. If you keep passing the buck, conflict will heighten. It takes at least two to tango.
10 Support: If in every relationship, every decision made puts the needs and interests of the other party before yours and the other person does the same, there will always be mutual support and less feelings of being taken advantage of.
