Stephen-Claude Hyatt
Dear Rev:
I'VE KNOWN this man for nine years. During those years we weren't married just going intimately. In year four of the relationship he pleaded that we buy a house together. I was never into the idea of moving in with a guy until I'm married, but he begged and persuaded me.
Since we got the house, he's always putting off the issue of marriage and always saying he wanted to fix up the house first and then we get married after.
One day I called by his parents' house as he wasn't home his usual time, and I got news that "he was at the barber with his son". Rev., that news just tore me apart. I asked him about it later when he arrived and he told me he couldn't tell before now because he didn't want to hurt me. He has done things to me and (I know it's my fault) I keep forgiving him. Each time I asked him about the marriage part, he keeps telling me next year, next year. Honestly, the house is taking good shape now.
I stop asking him about marriage because all along I wanted to live a clean life; not to say that when we get married, it will be all holy and perfect, but at least it would be right in God's sight.
Now that I have changed jobs I have taken my stuff out of the house just to give him a break with everything (not that I leave him permanently) and now he's offering me marriage. Rev, I still love him, but how sure can I be that he really want to marry me. Rev, I will do anything, but I don't want to jump too quickly back into his arms and he's going to use me again. Can you offer some suggestions?
Dear Friend:
Firstly, let me congratulate you for developing the courage to write to me. I know that must have been difficult. Secondly, I must commend you for taking action in your life, to show this man that you are serious. A lot of women would just sit in the situation, hoping for it to get better.
As for the situation itself, it is a real complex one, especially now that you share an investment together. Have you forgiven him for not telling you about his son? Was the son conceived during the period of his relationship with you, or was it before? I believe all this will have to be examined in order to determine the level of intervention needed.
My friend, life is too short to be stuck with a man who does not respect you enough to treat you like a lady. So he wants to get married now. Maybe that is a good thing, or maybe just a ploy to get you back into the house.
Whichever it is, it is not possible for me to say. However, I would suggest that you seek pre-marital counselling, if there is a possibility that you want to be with him. Pre-marital counselling does not suggest you are going to get married, but it is an indication that you are considering marriage, and will decide at the end of the process. This should allow you to effectively work through the issues.
A good pre-marital counsellor should assist you both in determining what it is that you both want, and if this relationship can work or not. Do not move back in with him until you have both been to the counsellor, and make a decision about whether you are going to get married.
Rev.
Rev. Stephen-Claude Hyatt is a clinical psychologist. You may email him at
tellmeaboutit2005@hotmail.com
