Ivret WilliamsMood swings, help!
Dear Counsellor:
As a boy growing up in the country I grew up with my father who was an alcoholic. My mother ran away because he would abuse her when he came in drunk. I was left to fend for myself. There were many times that I would go to bed hungry and did not go to school. A teacher took me under her wings and helped me through school (including high school). I have got a job and my problem is I am in a relationship and I love my girlfriend, but my moods change. Sometimes I love her to death and another time I do not want to be around her. This is affecting our relationship as she is saying that she does not know how to deal with me. I have tried to be different, but it does not work. Your help and advice are needed.
James
Dear James:
An abused child may, as an adult, experience alternate feelings of deep love, anger, hate and even cold indifference. You may experience deep love because that is what you desire. This desire may be so great that you could suffocate the other person. You would have experienced feelings of abandonment when your
mother left the home and this may make you unnecessarily suspicious of your girlfriend's actions.
The abuse you experienced, especially the physical abuse, could have resulted in aggression and anger. This may cause you to be ill-tempered and abusive. You need healing. If you are serious about this relationship you could start the healing process by talking with your girlfriend about the things that happened to you in the past. Unfortunately, that alone will not help. You may be angry with both parents for what happened to you. I think you should see a counsellor and therapeutically deal with these deep-seated issues.
35 and still living with his parents
Dear Counsellor:
I met a guy recently who I like very much. He is 35 years old. My problem, however, is that I cannot get past the fact that he is still living with his parents and seems quite contented to continue doing so. I sometimes feel that he is un-ambitious and have said so in some simple ways. Am I making too much fuss about it? My fear is, if the relationship progresses he may want me to move in with him and I would not feel like a woman in another woman's house.
Marie
Dear Marie:
Your friend might have tried
living on his own and could not deal with the loneliness. If his parents are elderly he may choose to live at home for security reasons. Also, he may not earn enough to allow for independent living and at home he pays little or no rent, only helps with the utilities and is pampered by his mom. It is interesting to note that single women are more inclined to share expenses with roommates rather than return home.
I think the relationship is in its embryonic stage and you should not start 'buying baby clothes' as yet. As the saying goes "there's many a slip between the cup and the lip". You need to explore (not in a negative way) why your friend is still at home and take the relationship one day at a time.
My relationships
don't last
Dear Counsellor:
I am 28 years old, in a good job but unable to have a steady relationship. I have been in three relationships already and even the last one I thought would be the one, but it did not last. What is wrong with me?
-Tanya
Dear Tanya:
For some persons developing a close relationship can be scary as this requires self-disclosure. This frightens many persons because they fear that after unveiling themselves emotionally, they may be rejected. Having said that, I would advise you to take a close look at yourself to see if you have a problem developing close relationships. You may not have a problem attracting people to you but you may have a problem holding their attention and getting close. You may have certain standards that you live by and the persons you have dated did not measure up to what you were looking for. I would advise you to look closely at the past relationships and see if there is a thread running through that is common to the relationships. If you are on speaking terms with the individuals you could ask them to give their honest opinion of what caused the relationship to end. This would give you an idea of the areas of yourself that may need changing and make a concerted effort to change. Good luck.
COUNSELLING TIP:
Showing warmth and care will enhance rapport, and makes one appealing to talk to.
Ivret Williams is a counselling psychologist. Email her at letstalkrelationships@yahoo.com
