Ivret Williams
Dear Counsellor:
I was brought up in a very conservative home and although I have been married for three years, I find it difficult to initiate sex with my husband. Although he is a very caring and gentle person, I know that there are times when he would prefer if I was a bit more 'aggressive' in our love-making. How can I change?
Marsha
Dear Marsha:
I must say that there are some wives who fall into category. They are inhibited owing to the way they were brought up, the things that they were told concerning sex and their perception about the male/female role in sexual activity. The first thing is that you will have to revisit your thoughts about sex and see how it is impacting your sexual relationship. If you see sex as 'dirty' then there will be feelings of inhibition and guilt. C. Ray Campbell in his book, You Picked Me, Now Eat Me, said, 'Hunting wives make better lovers. They are not helpless logs waiting for someone to put them in the fire. They generate heat. They are forceful, creative and willing to explore possibilities.' It may feel uneasy at first, but if your desire is to be an active player in your sexual relationship then begin to initiate sex. I am sure your husband upon seeing your desire and
willingness will help you in the process. Eventually, it will become a walkover. Good luck.
He's driving me nuts!
Dear Counsellor:
I am 35 years old and a year ago I got married to a 55-year-old man. He is driving me crazy. He was so loving and caring and I never had a father so I was immediately drawn to his caring ways. He was like a fulfilled dream. He watches every cent and he is always listening to my phone calls. My friend used to call me and now he is telling me that he does not like my friends. He did not mind them before. Also he wants to know every where I go. At my age I am not used to explaining myself to anybody. I really regret this marriage and many times I have felt like walking out. It is because of my Christian values why I am still in it. Your advice please as this man is driving me nuts.
Carmel
Dear Carmel:
The same things that attracted you to the marriage are the same things that are driving you away. Unfortunately, research has indicated that marriages between persons of 10 years or more age differences will more likely end in divorce. This is due to the problems that these marriages face. The older spouse will have a tendency to parent because they have seen 'more of the world' and are more matured. They will want to tell the other person what to do which will frustrate the younger partner who may want to rebel. The older person may also be very 'tight' with money and the younger person may feel that there is no trust. You say he listens to your phone calls this could be a sign that he may be feeling insecure. You may need to assure him of your love and devotion. You mention that your Christian values are keeping you in the union. This is good. Let me, however, say that your marriage is still young and right now you are in the process of 'becoming one'. The 'becoming one' process takes time and effort and during this time there will be conflicts and frustrations as individuals let down their guard and allow the other person in. If he was hurt in the past this may factor into his watching every cent and listening to the calls. Please do not throw away what can be a good marriage.
I am missing hubby
Dear Counsellor:
My husband has gone abroad to study and it has been six months now and I am not dealing with it very well. We are a close couple and he is my best friend. At first when he called, I would cry on the phone and it affected him, now I cry after we have finished talking. It is also affecting his studies. Christmas is coming and I am dreading it because we have never been apart for the past five years. I do not know how I am going to get through this holiday.
Angella
Dear Angella:
Christmas is a lonely time for many persons. You did not say whether you have any children. However, you could begin to look on the positive aspect of his being away. He is getting better educated to be a better man and by extension a better husband. You could use this time to be engaged in some educational pursuit to surprise him on his return. During this holiday season you could find ways of giving of yourself to keep yourself occupied. You could go to a golden-age home and comb the hair of the senior citizens or visit a children's home. If you are occupied you will have less time to think and worry.
Ivret Williams is a counselling psychologist. Email her at:
letstalkrelationships@yahoo.com
