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Stabroek News

... relationships - Embarrassed about myself
published: Saturday | December 17, 2005


Ivret Williams Dear Counsellor:

I find it very embarrassing to voice the feelings I have concerning myself. I am 35 years old and I feel ugly and very inadequate. Although persons have told me that I am attractive, somehow I have not been able to believe them.

I will enter a relationship and after a few weeks I will do things to jeopardise it because I cannot believe that the guy could be genuinely interested in me. Two weeks ago I met this really nice guy and I know that sooner or later I am going to do things to end the relationship.

­ Karen

Dear Karen:

You say that you feel ugly and inadequate. This is no comfort but there are many persons walking around with similar feelings as a result of the things that were told to them in the developmental stages of their lives. This becomes a tape in their heads which is always playing. I wish I could say that to right the wrongs is an easy process, but unfortunately that is not so.

You will have to erase the tape in your head that tells you that you were ugly and inadequate. This could be compounded by the fact that you may be comparing yourself to family members and friends. This dissatisfaction may be aggravated by parents, friends and family members who keep reinforcing your negative view of yourself.

'Desiderata' advises that we should 'stop comparing ourselves with others for always there will be greater and lesser persons than ourselves'. Because you cannot accept who you are, you are of the opinion that others cannot accept you as well. This feeling pushes some women to get involved with men who are unavailable so that when the relationship ends, they use that to justify the fact that they really are no good.

Right now, it may not be the right time to get involved in a relationship, as your response will spring from feelings of inferiority. You may need to see a counsellor who will work with you to erase the feelings of ugliness and unworthiness before you seek to get involved in another relationship.

Is this guy genuine?

Dear Counsellor:

I have met this guy and he is the nicest person I have ever met. He is so kind and charming that I am simply bowled over. Sometimes I pinch myself wondering if this is true.

How can I know if this guy is genuine? Two of my friends say they do not trust him. How can I know if he is genuine, or putting on a show?

­ Dahlia

Dear Dahlia:

Percy Sledge sang years ago 'take time to know [him], it's not an overnight thing'. Granted, some persons can fake a feeling but one cannot fake forever. Time removes every mask. Your friends may say they do not like him out of envy, however, I would ask them the reasons for their dislike.

Sometimes our blind spot prevents us from seeing what others see and so we blindly rush into a relationship, especially if we have been experiencing a 'dry spell'. If he is genuine, the gold will ultimately shine through.

Email Ivret Williams at letstalkrelationships@yahoo.com.

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