William Aiken, Contributor
IT WOULD seem, from reading the article captioned 'Sex: what newlyweds need to know' in the Outlook magazine on December 4, 2005, and similar articles, that the prevailing approach to sexuality is female-centred.
In this script it is the man's responsibility to acquiesce to the woman's needs and he must possess the correct domestic attitudes to win his partner's sexual interest and receptivity, no matter how well he may be doing in other aspects of the relationship. The man is advised to slow down his normal, usually faster, sexual response to adapt to the slower female sexual response, and he is to be knowledgeable about female sexual anatomy.
In this female-centred paradigm of couples' sexuality, the woman has to be cajoled into having sex by a man who exhibits the 'correct' attitudes and behaviours towards domestic and other matters. He must adapt to her timing, sexual response, moods, needs, feelings and way of thinking or risk not having sex as she determines when sex occurs. The needs of the man are subordinate to the woman's and the usually higher sex drive of men is downplayed. Modern couples have embraced this female-centered, transactional sexuality in which the man must first fulfil his partner's non-sexual requirements before sex can take place.
Transactional script
An example of the promotion of this transactional script was seen in the aforementioned article in which men are advised: "Foreplay begins long before couples get to the bedroom and includes the man assisting the woman with the care of the house, with making meals and with helping the children to get ready for school." I view with scepticism this expanded definition of foreplay which is based on a philosophy that the man must give in order to get. This denigrates couples' sexuality to one of transaction, in essence no different from a man purchasing sex from a prostitute and negotiating a fair monetary compensation with her.
Another example of this transactional female-centred sexuality was evident when I spoke with a married woman who had not had sex in 10 years! I asked how this could be, only to be told that she carried the burden in the marriage and was punishing her husband by withholding sex. Consequently, she had punished herself and was suffering immensely.
In criticising this unbalanced, female-centred and transactional paradigm of sexuality, men should remain supportive of their partners in domestic and other affairs but this support must not be a prerequisite for sex. Sex must never depend on whether either partner is satisfied that the other has earned the right to have sex with him/her but should be based on knowledge of the needs and expectations of the other partner and a commitment, willingness and responsibility to fulfil them.
If women are taught about the primacy of the human sex drive in general and the male sex drive in particular then they would understand the importance of satisfying their partner's sexual needs and develop the appropriate attitudes and behaviours that would ensure the survival of their relationships. When the connection between sex and the stability of the family is understood by women, it will no longer be used as a tool to punish and reward or broker power.
Knowledge
With what should this paradigm of couples' sexuality be replaced? I suggest that we replace it with an approach that is balanced and based on knowledge of each partner's needs. This knowledge-based approach would be cognitive in its orientation rather than based on desires and feelings.
Knowledge regarding both male and female sexual response in general and each partner's specific sexual responses, needs, cycle, preferences and expectations are acquired through honest and open communication and discussion concentrating on the sexual aspects of the relationship. Once these are established, they are looked at within the context, framework and dynamics of the relationship as a whole to determine how to make a good sexual relationship happen. This would engender the adoption of positive attitudes and behaviours conducive to the sexual health of the relationship. The man's needs are not subordinate to the woman's or vice versa but both are accorded equal importance. The couple determines sexual frequency based on prior discussion regarding needs and expectations and sex is freely and unconditionally given as an expression of love or in satisfying a need.
Spontaneous
sexual desire
A noted sex therapist, Rosemarie Bassoon, has observed that women in long term relationships do not regularly experience spontaneous sexual desire like men do, but when they engage sexually it is usually because of other motivating factors such as wanting to bond emotionally, wanting to feel sexually desirable to their partner, and wanting to satisfy the sexual needs of their partner. Bassoon contends that women approached sexually by their partner become aroused if the prevailing context of the relationship, environment and her psyche are favourable to the processing of his sexual advances in a positive light. She then experiences responsive (not spontaneous) sexual desire which positively feeds back to produce greater arousal. If there is a positive outcome such as orgasm or feelings of emotional closeness then this reinforces further sexual interaction.
This observation supports the approach suggested in which the basis for receptivity to her partner's sexual advances is not sexual desire but rather awareness of his sexual needs and the importance to the stability of the relationship in satisfying them. In satisfying her man the woman should not feel as if she is performing a robotic function if it occurs in an emotionally supportive context aided by honest and open communication about sexual and non sexual needs and expectations. Finally, women would be encouraged to play an active role in initiating sex rather than merely being receptive to it. I believe this enlightened, cognitive and balanced approach to sexuality should be the way forward.
* Dr. William Aiken is a Consultant Urologist at the University Hospital of the West Indies
